I'm not connecting with my coworkers. It seems like every time I go up to talk to someone, they're in a bad mood or really busy. How can I tell when it's a good time to talk and when it's best to stay away?

-- Aloof

Fear not. There is a new product on the market that will solve your problem instantly. The only tricky part is to get your office to order it (which will entail starting a conversation with someone in charge before being told to take a hike...by the way, do you shower?).

There is a Swedish office furniture company that makes chairs designed to change color according to the occupant's mood. These seats, utilizing space-age mood ring technology, have tiny sensors in the cushion which gather mood data from the owner's ass (the moodiest part of the human anatomy) and transfer that information into the chair fabric. When your boss's chair is blue, it's time to ask for that raise. When it's red, you'd better lay low and look busy. When it's green...discreetly mention to his secretary that he might require a wet nap.

More advanced versions of the chair provide a massage-like relief by sensing your self-esteem levels, and deploying small lip-shaped suction cups to your rear when levels are critically low. These "egonomic" Askiser's are pricey, but well worth it, especially if you don't have an intern.

I'd mention the company's name, but I'm forbidden to endorse any company that hasn't paid me at least six figures. I will caution the potential buyer to be wary, however, as several imitations and knock-offs have been known to cause impotence with poorly designed "egonomic" devices. Just remember the rule of thumb: Don't bring anything to the office that makes you squeal like a pig. (And a note on office etiquette -- devices that cause coworkers to squeal like pigs are also frowned upon in most work environments. Check your employee manual on this one, though. There are several notable exceptions, such as pig farms, the Catholic church, and Home Depot.)

If you can't convince your office to get these amazing products, try repeating the same question over and over all day. People like boring routine and repetition in their cubicles. Standard queries like "How's it going?" and "Is it Friday yet?" seem to work best, although the veteran can bust out with the occasional "Where did you get those shoes?" or "Is the air conditioning broken, or is it just me?" Practice your phrase in the mirror and on your pets before the debut at the office. This will help you weed out such unsuccessful losers as "Hot enough for ya?" and "Gee, you look like shit. Did your mom die?"

Good luck, and just remember, if all else fails, you can always embrace your work solitude by growing a mullet.

Help me! I'm running low on energy...I barely have the strength to get out of bed in the morning. It took me weeks to find the motivation to type this e-mail. What can I do to become my peppy self again?

-- Sluggish in Sedalia

Flapjacks! Nothing gets a body moving faster and with more vim and vigor than a loaded plate of pancakes smothered in syrup and pampered with powdered sugar. Fill the batter with chocolate chips and banana slices for even more va-va-voom. Yes, sir, flapjacks are the ultimate energy food.

Olympic athlete Chance Evers (not his real name) used to eat at least nine pancakes before every 100-meter dash, a diet that enabled him to surpass all records of speed and time back in the late 1890's. Wall Street tycoons are known for eating enormous amounts of Bisquick-produced items every morning, which accounts for their trim figures and electric, can-do attitudes. Why, even the king of health, Richard Simmons, has been known to pound back a product called Tube-O-Cake that's nothing more than liquified pancake batter in a plastic tube before every workout.

What makes pancakes the perfect picker-upper? The secret lies in the explosive nature of sugar-soaked batter, which adheres to every internal surface in the human digestive tract. This soggy mess then gently massages the body's internal organs in a frenzy of snap, crackle, and pop that's sure to get you up and at ‘em in no time!

For maximum effect, eat 10-12 flapjacks every morning over the next few weeks to recuperate your natural energy. Important: jog at least six miles immediately after each breakfast to use the full amount of stored energy. It also helps if you avoid consuming liquids at all costs, since "washing down" the batter (a natural urge) only flushes the helpful nutrients right through your system.

Flapjacks are a family cure of the Advice clan that we've been using for centuries, ever since the first Mr. Advice (Geo. William Advice, Earl of Gossip) set foot on the Mayflower and felt a wee bit seasick. A heaping helping of pancakes can cure even the toughest hangover, the meanest upset stomach, and the most serious case of constipation.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go cash my check from Mrs. Butterworth.

Got a question for Mr. Advice? Let him solve your problems! Send an e-mail to askmradvice@aol.com.