The web is full of wonderous mysteries waiting to be discovered and consumed. In our new age of technology, one can forgo a visit to the library, skip the Sunday paper, and avoid the mall by simply logging on to the ‘net. Hell, I sometimes wonder why I bother to leave the house when almost everything I need is available at the touch of a finger. But, even with all the Internet's wonder...there is a down side. That's where I come in. I was a ‘net head before the Internet was cool and can admit that I am a junkie. That's why, sadly, I could write this column in my sleep. The Wild Wild Web will run in every issue and will contain the most obnoxious, stupid, ill-informed sites I can find. Every week will have a theme and will consist of at least five links for your slack time enjoyment.

This first Wild Wild Web column had to be about sites that are too stupid to be eating up the space they're stored on. Originally I thought this would be a hard category to cover; after all, how many people literate enough to put up a Web site would waste their valuable time with crap? Apparently enough to fill the entire Go-Go. Many had to be cut for this issue, but never fear...they will all eventually end up in one of my weekly columns. The sites in this week's column could also fit under the category People With Too Much Time on Their Hands, People You Wouldn't Leave Your Kids Alone With or People That Must be High...all of which are topics for upcoming issues.

The Garden Hose Safety Site
members.aol.com/gdhose/hosehome.html

This site features online Garden Hose Safety Classes, Advanced Placement Garden Hose Safety, Garden Hose First Aid and After-School Garden Hose Activities. I can just hear the kids begging to join in the fun. "Dad, can Susie and I play with your hose after Sunday School?"

There is great advice, such as: "If you are involved in a Garden Hose Emergency situation, evaluate the health of the victim garden hose or garden hose operator. Contact the Garden Hose Emergency Help Network via the Internet and read these passages. If the victim is leaking apply pressure to or try and plug the leak. If you feel you are in need of personal assistance place the victim in an empty wheelbarrow and wheel them to the Garden Hose Emergency Help Network. For fear of attracting persons stranger than ourselves to the Network we will not be providing our address."

Be sure to check out Garden Hose Random Thoughts, such as "If hand guns were garden hoses most serial killers would be reluctant to kill anybody not within twenty feet of their own home; California, Texas, and Idaho were the most irrigated states in the USA during the Disco Age; Hose - the other white meat; Your garden hose is naked; and The Bureau of Census conducts an irrigation survey every ten years." So be sure to fill out and send in those damn forms people...the very life of your lawn could depend on it.

The Internet Squeegee Guy
www.website1.com/squeegee

"You've just pulled right up to a stoplight on the Superhighway. The Internet Squeegee Guy will wash the inside of your monitor screen for spare change. Do you help the poor guy or not? What should you do...what WILL you do? Give him change or shove him away?" This Grizzly Adams look-a-like claims to have gotten 250,689 hits to his site. If you calculate a quarter per monitor washing, that would be $62,672.25. Not too shabby.

The Lint Recovery Center
yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au/~flippo

This site lists types of lint such as belly button, pocket, dryer, and wallet (apparently an ignored and overlooked "strain" of lint.) "If you need lint found, if you need lint identified, if you need some answers, you've come to the right place. The LRC is proud to announce that it has recovered over 900 lost collections of lint." The LRC also claims that when lint is placed in a particle accelerator, "...a fascinating effect is noticed when lint is accelerated up to extreme speeds. As it nears the speed of light lint undergoes a massive, and wonderful transformation. Lint actually becomes a glowing liquid." I see Disney using this as a premise for a movie of the week. You know the story...some guy falls into a vat of the stuff and suddenly has superhero powers. Linty Man to the rescue...reuniting lost socks and the feet they belong to.

Dryer Lint Pets
www.dwarftude.com/dryerlintpets

In case the site above leaves you wanting more...here they actually tell you how to make fuzzy pets with your lint. I hear they don't eat much, although I'm wondering if they shed?

Madhouse Staring Contest
www.startext.net/homes/chris1/staring.htm

"You can compete in a staring contest against some of your favorite celebrities and/or inanimate objects." Some competitors: Cartman, Homer Simpson, Mr. Burns, David Duchovny, Mr. Bean, Butthead, and Albert Einstein. My personal favorite is David Duchovny...yum! I could stare until my eyes bleed.

A Flock of What?
alife.fusebox.com/swarm/swarm.html

A site established in 1998 with some really stupid animated graphic of weird green thingies floating...er...flying around. So what is swarming? We'll never know as the links are no longer functioning. If you figure it out, please let me know.

Random Hall Laundry Site
spleen.mit.edu/laundry/index.html

In case you're wondering if the machine down the hall is available or if your undies are dry, visit the Random Hall Laundry Site. "Current laundry machine status: Drier 1 is in use for 31:40; and Washer 1 is not in use for 48:08." Hmmm, I'm guessing this is an inside joke?

The Vinyl Head
siesta.cs.wustl.edu/~qarl/room/cup/vinyl/vinyl.html

"No one crosses the vinyl head." I wouldn't dare! This site gave me the heebie-jeebies...not to mention insomnia.

Drunk Page
www.drunk.com

One would think that Drunk.com would be full of entertaining pics or sobering alcohol facts. Not the case here. This is one big waste of a domain name. All you get is a plain white page with plain text stating: "Watch this space. It's not that interesting while sober, though." Something tells me it wouldn't be interesting if I was on two hits of acid.

42 Years of Reading
www.samizdat.com/readall.html

This is just sad. Although I am impressed by his list, I wonder if he gets out much. Richard Seltzer's note to all those entering his Web site: "For those who are curious, attached is a list of every book I've read cover-to-cover since 1958, when I was in the sefventh [sic] grade (the portion dealing with authors whose names begin A-D). I tend to be a bit obsessive, keeping a list of this kind." I wonder if this guy realizes he left out a word here...can you say obsessive compulsive? I'd be willing to bet my whole pay check that this guy is still a virgin. Richard's list includes: Scott Adams' The Dilbert Principle, David Barry's Babies, and Other Consequences of Sex, and Northrop Frye's Anatomy of Criticism (so I guess he'll take this shot on his site well.)

Until next week...surf safely and sanely.