"Because I am a man of my word and a juggalo at heart, tonight ... I might be a punk-ass bitch, but you will always be these juggalos' bitch!" Izzy High told Doink the Clown, admitting his defeat, at the end of the opening match on the opening night of the StrangleMania North American Tour at the Fillmore Auditorium Friday night.

A juggalo is a fan of JCW, or Juggalo Championshit Wrestling, the wrestling organization of the Detroit rappers the Insane Clown Posse. These juggalos were mostly adolescent boys with their faces painted in menacing black and white clown faces, and wearing oversized ICP hockey jerseys. All of the die-hard juggalos were crowded around the ring, spitting and throwing things at the wrestlers.

Izzy High is a wrestler who after symbolically pleasing the crowd with repeated bong hits from a plastic tube, went on to lose to a clown named Doink in the "Loser says,‘I am a punk-ass bitch'" match.

There were many rare treats for the all-ages crowd, from wrestler Fat Fuck Barrel Boy staple-gunning dollar bills to his opponent's face, to a ring-girl, Francine, who was completely naked by the final match and spreading for the crowd while rubbing her breasts.

It was truly a night for all ICP fans, many of whom will be undoubtedly spotted near Skyline Park in the near future wearing their official "FUCK OFF!" ICP T-shirts bought at the event.

After spending $2.50 on a mouse-bladder- sized bottle of water at the concession stand I thought I'd have nothing else to complain about, but the show was a slow drag.

Borrowing liberally from professional wrestling of the eighties, there was definite dramatic premise behind some of the bouts. For instance, the ICP's personal bodyguard defended their honor against Dick Nipple, the attorney of an archenemy of the ICP, Susan Osbourne. Nipple is fighting only to get to the ICP, if Nipple wins a bout, he gets to serve the ICP with civil suit charges for kicking the band Osbourne represents, Coal Chamber, off of their tour. This match was a "double tables match," meaning the winner had to slam the loser through two folding tables. Nipple was defeated in less than ten seconds by bodyguard Billy Bill, meaning his cause will have to be fought another time, another place.

While the fact that these wrestlers, unlike those on cable, were free to tell the crowd to go fuck themselves, eat shit, or shut the fuck up made for a nice twist on professional wrestling-style entertainment, it wasn't enough. Half of each bout seemed to be spent outside of the ring where few of the spectators could glimpse the action. The few big hits, punches, kicks, and tosses were stung together with shoddy choreography, and while the wrestlers were indeed spirited, they seemed to be of amateur rank.

The "watch Tom Dub die match" between Uganda, an enormously fat "jungle" man, and Tom Dub, a 130-pound stick of tendons was short and vaguely humorous for obvious reasons. There was also an entertaining stretch where wrestler Leatherface ran through the crowd with a fake chainsaw before his match.

Other than a few gimmicks, tons of cursing, and some decent shit-talking, there was little displayed to set this event apart from any cable-wrestling event. The show could have also benefited from some speakers mounted under the mat, as some of the largest slams looked big, but sounded small.

The "barbed wire ladder match" sounded like a bang-up event, and while 2 Tuff Tony and Hollywood Chuck Hogan bent the shit out of the aluminum ladder with riotous violent acts, there was no barbed wire visible from the concession area. This match was grueling only in length and with countless trips outside the ring and several fouled-up stunts, it left the crowd relatively quiet. The lady selling nachos and soda said that she would rather be watching Smackdown at home.

The "thumb tack death match" which emcee Rude Boy promised would include, "AIDS-infected tacks and broken glass," left no traces of blood on the backs of Fat Fuck Barrel Boy or Mad Man Pondo as they slammed one another onto the mat. All realism issues aside, however, the main event contenders, the Insane Clown Posse, three members, have wrestled in events for the WWF, WCW, and ECW.

There was also a touching moment in the men's room with some juggalos exchanging make-up tips, "Put more white under your eyes, dude."

"Remember juggalos, don't settle for second best because you don't have to, this is your wrestling federation; for the juggalos and by the juggalos," touted Rude Boy just prior to Francine's stripper dancing and the main event.

Without due credit to Gorgeous George, the main event was a triple tag team between the three insane clowns and Big Flame, Neil, and Bob, a "homosexual" trio. These three men, two physically fit, and one easily 250+ pounds, clad in hot pink, had taunted the crowd earlier in the evening, calling them "queers," and promising to make bitches of all juggalos. This enraged the crowd who threw a steady stream of trash at the trio and their rainbow flag.

With all of the epic tides-will-turn style of professional wrestling, the main event droned on for too long, with the teams volleying dominance in the match every few minutes.

Secure in the knowledge that I had seen better wrestling matches between my drunken roommates in our front yard, I left the event without knowing for sure which team was victorious in the intense main event. It was a heated battle with the upper hand shifting from team to team with such regularity that I fear I may never know who won for sure.