So, you have a bit of spare time on your hands. What do you do? Find the most mundane thing in your life and build a web site about it. Yeah ... that's it! At least it is for these few select folks. This week's column is a tribute to losers. So log on, click in and enjoy a well-deserved chuckle at someone else's expense.

Bits-O-Squid
www.primenet.com/~novak/fleg07.html

Ladies and gentleman, I give you Dale Novak, The King of Spam. Dale writes, "I won the Spam-carving contest! Yes! After years of being a Spam enthusiast, I finally get some recognition. The winning Spam sculpture was a small castle, which I christened Spamalot." In case you ladies are interested in a date, some of Dale's favorite things are: Monty Python, lizards, the Beatles, sausage, cheese, "The Far Side," purple, wombats, reptiles/amphib- ians, computer games, Spam, squid, goats, animals in general (I could say something, but I won't), Archie McPhee, board/card games, eating, cooking, eating, singing, reading/listening to books on tape, eating, cycling, ping pong, tubing, and eating. Hurry up girls, better get him before he's gone!

Stev0's Shirts
www.stev0.com/shirts.html

It still amazes me when I come across sites of lists. This particular list belongs to Steve Berlin. Apparently Steve collects shirts, from geek shirts to concert shirts ... you name it. And, sorry girls, this one is married. Some of Steve's shirts with his descriptions include:

Winnie the Pooh
Pooh looking sad, by an empty "Hunny" jar, in front of a BIG pink heart. Purple text underneath: "Sad without my honey". White background. My wife has an identical shirt. (All together now ... ahh, how sweet!)

Pulp Fishin'
White shirt. "Pulp Fishin'" in large yellow shaded letters under a drawing that looks like a book cover. In the forground [sic] is a fish with a large hypodermic needle stuck in it. In the back is a boat ("Le Boat Royale"); in it are John Travolta and Samuel Jackson; Travolta is wearing a grey suit with a fish tie. They both have fishing poles in one hand and very large guns in the other. Sitting in back of them is Uma Thurman peeking her head out. In back of that is a completely clear-cut forest, with a factory in back spewing thick, black smoke into the air and lime green liquid into the water. Under this drawing is written "A Quentin Troutantino Film." I'm thinking this site could be more interesting if he included in his descriptions how many times he had sex in each shirt. Maybe I'll send him an e-mail.

The Kotex Guide to Tampons ... and Puberty Topics for Girls
www.kotex.com

I know what you're thinking, "Geez, it's bad enough that we have to sit through those friggin' commercials." And you would be correct. Believe it or not, women don't even like watching them. So what is up with this web site? Thank God there aren't any actual pictures of tampons, but what you will find may surprise you. Links on this site include: The Goods, The Scoop, GirlSpace, and Your Turn. There are several things that cracked me up about this site. In the category "The Goods" there is a link on where to go to buy them. Hello! In the category "GirlSpace" you are invited to "hang, schmooze, vent (I'm guessing this is the PMS area), express your opinion (another PMS area), or take a quiz. And the best part ... you can vote on movies, relationships, jobs, and love. Does all this really belong on this site?

Freaks I've Encountered on the Internet
www.owlnet.rice.edu/~shiwala/freaks.html

I include this site not because of the designer, but due to the folks that have been tormenting him over the years. This site is a real gem, kids. This University of Rice student has been stalked by lunatic women wanting to date him, men looking for pictures of "...young and I mean young girls," and freaks that hate his site ... just to name a few. I think all of us net-heads can identify with this site. How many of you with AOL have been surfing along minding your own bee's-wax when suddenly some stranger, we'll call them ToePhreak69, IMs you with "Hi, wanna send me a pic of your feet?" This actually happened to me ... let 's just say he got more than a picture of my feet, if you get my drift.

The Loser Upstairs Chronicles
www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Lights/5427/loser.html

After hitting this site and paging down for what seemed to be an eternity, I started to wonder exactly who the loser really is? The site, written diary-style, describes the "loser's" daily rituals in horrid detail. This consists of nothing more than a bunch of mumbling about the "loser" upstairs, with plenty of pacing, odd visitors, toilet flushing, "spoons," and K-Mart references. So basically, every time this "loser" takes a dump or stands in one place too long, the guy downstairs is taking note. As I said ... who is the loser here?

Derek's Big Web Site of Wal-Mart Receipts
lightning.prohosting.com/~receipts

Some of these sites go without comment. This has loser written all over it. Not because he shops at Wally World, but because he actually makes time in his day to scan and place all of his receipts online for the world to see. The interesting part, however, is the comments he allows visitors to post next to each Wal-Mart receipt. Submitted by Evil Toast Strikes Again, "I just had to get out what was on everyone's mind: Why in the world would anyone need a lizard and some paint at about 9 o'clock at night? Now I've heard of gerbils being used to pleasure certain people ... but a lizard? And I would imagine you would need some sort of lubricant. No paint! That just spells out a disaster." Submitted by Chester McFisticuffs, "Is it smart to be posting your credit card number to the entire universe?" My comments would be, "Get a life, get a new hobby, and for God's sake find somewhere else to keep your receipts."

My Vending Machine Experiences

The Official Darwin Awards
www.darwinawards.com/main.html

There's always one (loser) in every group. Right? Well, at the Offical Darwin Awards everybody is a loser. "The Darwin Awards celebrate Charles Darwin's theory of evolution by commemorating the remains of individuals who contribute to the improvement of our gene pool by removing themselves from it in a sublimely stupid manner." If you are looking for a good chortle or an attachment to an e-mail, this is the place. The site is maintained and updated frequently and even has a auto-send link for those who need a daily dose of stupidity.

"Rhode Island, Portsmouth, police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January. He was captured when he inexplicably fled from police when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine. Suspicions were confirmed when he later tried to post $400 bail in coins." (I wonder if this is the same guy from the site above?)

Until next week, surf sanely and in style!