So I'm sitting around wondering what cheap bits of wisdom I could bestow upon the adoring -- albeit cheap and in no way showing their appreciation in any monetary sense -- crowd, when I get the beginnings of a headache. You know, one of those where you can feel it start to creep up on you as a pain in your neck first with a little pressure building in your head. So, I turn to my girlfriend and sweetly inquire, "Honey, do you think you could massage my neck and shoulders for a bit? I feel a headache coming on and wouldn't it be nice for you to do that for me and I'll surely owe you something large like a full massage for you. (It helps to throw in some little bribe just to prime the pump, so to speak. Whether or not you actually pay out is up to you.) She thinks about it and, surprisingly, agrees. "Quite a small bribe," I think to myself.

To her credit she does a good job and for a few minutes I begin to feel that perhaps this will work and my headache will disappear. Then she stops. "My hands are tired," she says. And thus endeth the massage. The old tired hands thing is a game ender. No amount of cajoling can work. Sadly I think to myself, "Oh, if I could just get a massage for real. If only they paid me more to create these pieces of wit, then I could actually afford something." And then the skies parted, my muse arrived, and the day was saved.

Of course! Show the people how they too can get pampered just like those rich bastards who keep us down day by day working for peanuts and begging for more. (That is unless you purposely lie around and do mostly nothing as sort of an art form like me.)

Cheap massage is everywhere. Massage is the new big thing, schools are multiplying, and they can't just give out those diplomas without some guidelines! So they make them practice and we reap the benefits. Almost every school has a clinic where students are required to give a certain number of hours of bodywork to qualify for graduation and the prices reflect their amateur status.

Here are the tricks to know. Some schools require that their students finish a certain percentage of course work before they become eligible to do clinic work, some do not. Obviously, the more the better so check if you care. Unfortunately, because it's so cheap, clinics can be booked far in advance. Get on their cancellation call list to jump way ahead of the line -- the downside is you need to be available at a moment's notice. (Not a problem for me.) Some schools give coupons to entice people to come. One recent coupon I saw was for $5 off. That's a big discount on $20.

But here's the big one. I'm almost loath to give this out for free. Oh, what price I pay for journalism. Even though they can work at the clinic, most students can't get in enough hours. This means they have to go elsewhere to find people to give bodywork to. Get the picture? This means free. Call or go to the school and see if they have a volunteer list and sign up. You are now the supply and demand is surprisingly high. Be kind, though, and don't make them pay you for the privilege of working on you. Enjoy. This list is not exhaustive and I've thrown in some extras like acupuncture. If you need more information, find it yourself, you lazy good for nothing -- you're cutting into my very busy day.

International Institute of Chinese Medicine
1385 S. Colorado Blvd #110A Denver
303-584-9050
Acupuncture: $20 initial, $15 thereafter

Academy of Natural Therapy 123 Elm Avenue, Eaton
970-454-2224
Massage: $25 hour

Boulder College of Massage Therapy
6255 Longbow Drive, Boulder
800-442-5131
Massage: $30 hour ($25 student and senior)

Center Of Advanced Therapeutics
1221 S Clarkson St, Suite #414, Denver
303-765-2201
Massage: $20 hour (Friday only)

Colorado Center for Healing Touch
12477 W. Cedar Drive, Lakewood
303-989-0581
Healing Touch: $10 ~1/2 hour on Tuesday, $5 ~1/2 hour on Thursday

Colorado Institute of Massage Therapy
2601 E. St. Vrain, Colorado Springs
719-634-7347
Massage: $22 hour
You need to go in before and fill out paperwork and make your first appointment.

Colorado School of Healing Arts
7655 W. Mississippi, Suite 100, Lakewood
800-233-7114
Massage: $25 hour ($20 senior)

Cottonwood School of Massage Therapy
11100 E Mississippi Ave. Suite B100, Aurora
303-745-7725
Has clinic starting mid May. Call for times and prices.

Crestone Healing Arts Center (C.H.A.C.)
P.O. Box 156, Crestone
719-256-4036
Massage: Monday to Friday at 5. Donation goes to students.

Guild For Structural Integration
3107 28th St, Boulder
303-447-0122
$250 for full 10 sessions series.

Healing Arts Institute
4007 Automation Way, Fort Collins
800-444-8244
Massage: $20 hour ($15 seniors)

Massage Therapy Institute of Colorado
1441 York Street, Suite 301, Denver
303-329-6345
Massage: $25 hour or $30 for 1-2 hour advanced clinic session

South West School of Massage
1480 E. 2nd Avenue, Suite 7, P.O. Box
4111, Durango
970-259-6965
Will have clinic starting in August so call for times and prices.

Wakepoint School of Energy Healing
Post Office Box 6861 Woodland Park
719-687-4200
Sometimes needs volunteers for students to fulfill hours requirements. Call to inquire.