Volume 2, Issue 14 June 22 - July 5, 2000

Really, when you come right down to it, free beer is good. Okay, free beer is very good. Okay, it's great. As for free massages, they rank up there in the top five in my book. (The whole Massage episode from Sienfeld was actually painful for me to watch.) And, in the weeks, nay, years to come, there will be many installments of low cash excitement. However, nothing will be as important as this week's. I want you to call, e-mail, regular mail, carrier pigeon: whatever it takes: and help us with all of your ideas. No idea is too small. We must band together here and lift with a collective effort to raise the level of our experience. We must do this in the name of free food.

This week I will start you off with one of the best.

We all know them as the people who accost us at the airport or hang out on college campuses singing and playing tambourine, but do we know their secret life? Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Hare Krishnas. In their quest to bring the word of Lord Krishna: or just the word Krishna: to the masses, they have decided that the way to a person's soul is through their stomach. And I say, "Thank Krishna!"

Here's how it works. Show up at the Krishna center on Sunday night and listen to the talk and, voila, free grub. It starts at 6 p.m. and goes until 8 with the talk lasting about a half-hour. The restaurant is actually open the rest of the week from 11:30-2:30 a.m. and 5-8 p.m. from Monday- Friday and then again on Saturday for dinner from 5-8 p.m. The food is usually very good. And the great part is that this works wherever there is a center. The catch? It's all strict vegetarian and usually Indian food based, so if you don't like that then you are a chooser, not a beggar, and better go elsewhere.

Now, although the Krishnas put together a nice table, it's not gourmet eating. You may be thinking, "well what the hell, it's free isn't it?" True enough but that shouldn't mean that we can't dream. And, in fact, with a small amount of fudging with the truth, we shall dream no longer. (I'm not advocating lying by any means, just a loose interpretation of 'truth'.)

Usually, cooking schools and hotel/restaurant management schools will have a night when free gourmet food can be had by all: or at least the crafty. At the cooking school this night is for perspective students. At the H/R schools it usually occurs as a test night for the students.

The scenario. Call up all of the cooking schools in your area and find out which ones have a night like this and then, by George, you suddenly become very interested in the cooking field as a possible vocation. Sign up to check whether the school is up to snuff: you wouldn't want to go to just any old crap school after all. They usually have these nights once a quarter or so, so don't get any thoughts of eating like a king for weeks on end. Remember how lucky you are to be eating free food at all, and plan ahead. You may need to borrow a tie if you don't have one, or hit the second hand shop for a $2 model but that's the least you can do for a $40 meal. The catch? You may find that the schools are somewhat on to this scheme and must do your best method acting work as a student-to-be to convince them. Just play it cool and everything should work out.

As for the H/R schools thing, this is a bit trickier to arrange but once you do, you're in. The schools will have this night multiple times during the year so it's more regular eating. Also, you don't have to pretend to be anything. You do, however, have to find a way in. Some recommendations: hang around the H/R school and schmooze with the students, check the message boards to see if they're advertising out of desperation, and finally, just plain grovel. Ask the assistants in the office if they know what's going on and then beg to be hooked up. Again, remember that this is all worthwhile because when you finally connect you're on the gravy train for the long haul.

I would like to close this first of, hopefully, many columns on the great art of weaseling free eats with a recipe. This is down and dirty but quite pleasing to the pallet. Locate your local fast food chain and amble on over for some ketchup (or catsup). Get a lot. Then locate the local Asian food eatery. Now, again, I'm not advocating thievery, but some of that great spicy sauce with the rooster on the bottle comes in handy for this delicacy. If you do have a few cents in your pocket, you can also make a stop at the grocery for some ramen noodles. Any flavor will do here but if you always get the same flavor you can collect up the "flavor packets" and make some nice soup some day. For now, cook up the noodles in extra water. If no noodles, then just heat some water. The amount will vary depending on how much ketchup (or catsup) you have. When the water is ready add the delicious tomato stuff until you have some lovely tomato soup. If you have spicy sauce, add it now also. And there you have it: Old Fashioned Tomato Noodle Soup a la Wendy's. Bon appetite!