June 22 - July 5, 2000
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Volume 2, Issue 14
June 22 - July 5, 2000 |
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Wild Wild Web
Valerie Fouche |
Hollywood has gone Cyberwood. I've included pokes at a fairly wide range of American Royality. Well, except for my personal favorites: Mel Gibson, Brad Pitt and Trey Parker. I dedicate this issue of Wild Wild Web to all the girls I've loved before. Enjoy, m'kay.
Rick Rockwell's America
You just gotta love Rick. What a guy ... huh? He's funny, has nice teeth, and married a playboy model. Did you know Rick makes corporate speeches? Yep, for a limited time only and while supplies last, you too can hire Rick to motivate your sales staff. Afterall, not everyone can bullshit well enough to get their own prime-time special.
Julio Iglesias' Prom Planner for Boys
www.chickenhead.com/julio/index.html
Looking to conquer a virgin? Some of Julio's tips for horny young boys: arrive at the home of your lady bearing gifts of luxurious silk and lace (be sure to have her model these for you and her adoring family); drive a car that has a back seat as long as your person, and swathed in the buttery skin of a dozen calves. If this doesn't get you laid, maybe you should check into getting that bad case of acne cleared up.
Random Celebrity Black Velvet Portrats
www.tstonramp.com/~markj/velvet/velvet2.html
This site reminded me of my youth. My parents used to have this cheesy black velvet painting of some Spanish Musketeer that hung over our gold crushed velvet couch. For some reason, I was petrified of this painting. I had nightmares about it for years. He would poke at me with his sword and twist his mustache in an evil way. Horrifing! After visiting this site these nightmares have been replaced by images of Dick Nixon. I'll never sleep again.
David Hasselhoff is the Anti-Christ
This also could have gone in the column I wrote on bizarre religious sites. Here is a tid bit I'll bet you never thought about: if you rearrange the letters in David's name it spells out "fad of devil's hash." Follow the train of thought here. Okay, when you think of hash, you think of Amsterdam right? And when you think of Amsterdam, you think of Sodom and Gomorah (see your Bible) right? Not enough for you? Have you heard him sing?
Kurt Cobain's Magic Talking 8-Ball
Kurt Cobain is likely spinning in his grave. No, not because Courtney got away with murder, but because of this site. Got a burning question? Need guidance in your life? Who better to consult than a strung-out dead grunge recording artist? So, Kurt, will I ever marry a millionaire? "Yes that may be so ... kinda sorta." Maybe I should e-mail Rick.
Keanuville
I am not a big fan of Keanu Reeves. Okay, I liked him in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure ... but that is it. No, I don't find him to be a great actor. I don't even find him to be particularly good looking. Sorry. I absolutley hated The Matrix because he was in it. Yes, the special effects were awesome. However, Keanu's part would have been better acted by a chimp.
Cliff at IHOP
www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/9797/index.html
When you think of pancakes, you think of Cliff. Not the Cliff from Cheers, but Cliff the pancake pusher. You've seen him with his mug of coffee and plate of cakes grinning through the stupid IHOP rooty-tooty fresh-n-fruity jibberish. Well, believe it or not, Cliff is also a film, television and theater star. A few notables: Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear, Hell Comes to Frogtown, Men Don't Tell (what?), and Beverly Hills, 90210 (as Uncle Henry).
American's For the Cloning of Elvis
www.geocities.com/Vienna/1673/
Appearently Ricky Martin's hip shaking isn't enough to make these folks forget about the King. Long live the renicarnated cloned King!
The Trilamb Page
What do nerds love? Porn Stars, beer and getting laid. This site features a list of special moves you can use when having drunken sex with a porn star. Next time you are in this unlikely postion try the "The Snowmobile." What's that you ask? When plugging a girl while she's on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face. Boy, those nerds sure know how to have a good time! I could mention a few others, but the majority of the nerd's "special moves" consist of shit (literally) in some form. Did somebody order a fudge sunday?
Celebrity Snack Palace
You'll find the always huggable Tom Jones and porn star Ginger Lynn Allen alive and well here. My favorite link on the site is boxing legend Rocky Graziano quotables. Here is one to live by, "Don't break out the vodka and tonic until you've done your warm-to-cold shower and rugged towel-rub." I'll drink to that.
Jesse the Head Ventura
ic.net/~jnbohr/cg/jesintro.htm
He has been a Navy Seal, a wrestler, and a Govenor. There is no contesting it ... Jesse is the man. Now you can have a piece of this cuddly cue-ball too. Just click in and download your very own Jesse the rotating head. Great for parties, wedding gifts and and after school snacks.
Xena, Warrior Milkmaid
Got Milk? Xena, Warrior Milkmaid does and she's protecting it with all her jugs. How do you stop a charging Xena, Warrior Milkmaid? Throw Oreos and aim high.
The Brady Bunch Mystery
www.geocities.com/TheTropics/Bay/4824/Brady.html
On this very informative site you can learn what the current TV '70's hoopla tell-all shows aren't saying. We all know the story about Barry's (Greg) date with T.V. mom Florence Henderson. But, did you know that Cindy Brady is really a flying monkey; Bobby Brady liked to play with barbies; Jane Brady got Marcia addicted to cough drops; Peter Brady is one of the lost Roswell Aliens; Greg Brady once plotted to take over the world; Marcia Brady's coughdrop addiction also lead to a lipbalm addiction, playdough addiction and a pencil shaving addiction; and (most shocking of all) Thelma Brady (the lost Brady kid) was the one who was actually responsible for breaking Marcia's nose. Look for my full story in this week's Enquirer.
Until next time ... surf while eatting your favorite rooty-tooty fresh-n-fruity topping. Whip cream is optional.