Volume 2, Issue 15 July 6 - July 19, 2000

Watching 8 1/2 Women, I was simultaneously proud of my prick and ashamed of its power over my state of being. This movie is largely about penises, and all of the complications that arise from being attached to one.

Father and son Phillip (Standing) and Storey (Delamere) Emmenthal are grieving the death of Phillip's wife and Storey's mother. Initially, they discuss each other's nude forms as they stand side-by-side in front of a full-length mirror. This film is not afraid of genitalia (which is actually quite refreshing if you don't mind seeing a naked 55-year-old man), a trademark of director Peter Greenaway's work. Then Storey and Phillip fuck.

The next day, they go to the cinema to watch Fredrico Fellini's 8 1/2. Greenaway made this film as an homage to the Fellini classic about sex, class, and the war between the genders. This film sets father and son on a quest to fill their formidable mansion with concubines. Phillip, although a rich and worldly banker, is a bit of a prude in the sack. It seems that Storey's mum was no real tiger in bed. A dainty missionary-position kind of woman, her passing takes a deep hold on both of the men. As a favor to his dad, and to get things rolling along, Storey shares his girlfriend with Phillip as the three hit the sheets together. This sort of taboo behavior pales in comparison to some of the acts and descriptions to follow. The phrase "that woman's insides are like a traffic accident" is accompanied by perhaps one of the sickest visions I have recently seen.

So begins Phillip's obsession with fulfilling all of his unquenched sexual fantasies. The women the men need are acquired in various ways. The first, Simato (Shizuka Inoh), a gambling addict, is indebted to a Pachinko gambling parlor that the Emmenthals own. Beryl (Plummer) is a down home girl who steals horses and copulates with pigs. Griselda (Collette) is a Norwegian bank cashier and nun. Kito (Vivian Wu) is an employee of the family business.

Then there is Palmira (Polly Walker) the free-spirited woman that both father and son fall in love with, although she prefers Phillip--Storey's body is, "too simple ... too unused." She is mysterious and untamed; she gives Phillip an expert hand job and bosses him about. This behavior captivates Phillip and he falls hopelessly in love with her. The 1/2 woman is an amputee; there is also a very fertile woman and a very fragile geisha.

Storey comes across as a very bored rich kid who only loves things he knows he cannot have. There are frequent earthquakes in Japan as the men vacation there. Storey is obsessed with the magnitude and unpredictability of the earthquakes, and his passion for them offers a glimpse into his character. Phillip is a introspective and tender man whose fantasies are odd and sordid, but his intentions are good. More than anything, he seems lost in the world. Overall, this was a funny and often intriguing film. I admired its intrepid look at what's up between men and women penises and vaginas. B-

CHICKEN RUN
Rated: PG
Directed by Nick Park and Peter Lord
Starring: Mel Gibson, Julie Sawahla, Miranda Richardson

I absolutely cannot believe that Burger King is sponsoring this movie. Sales of their chicken sandwiches are going to plummet. In Chicken Run, men, women, and children of all ages are treated to the sight of cute, talking chickens being forced through a pie-making machine that's got more teeth than Julia Roberts and more hor-rendous torture chambers than Dr. Evil's beach house. I love eating chicken, and yet I'll never order my breaded grilled chicken sandwich again without thinking of little hunks of clay with British accents.

The chickens (if they can even be called that, since they've got fingers) are cooped up in a maximum-security Chicken Alcatraz somewhere in England, and they're only dream is of escaping, Wile E. Coyote style. The farmers are, of course, the bad guys, since they behead any chicken who's not egging its weight. Fortunately for the fingered feather piles, they've got a mastermind leader named Ginger, who's fearless and motivated enough to keep attempting the great escape.

Things aren't going well for the lassies until Mel Gibson drops out of the sky which leads me to believe that the real writers of this movie are 50-year-old bridge club crones with nothing better to do than watch Braveheart every Tuesday night. Anyway, Gisbon voices Rocky the Rooster, a suppos-edly flying rooster who can teach the birds how to take wing and break free.

About the same time that Mad Max drops in, the farmers order up the aforementioned pie machine and threaten a Chicken Apocalypse Now!

This is a fun movie, especially for kids if they can get over the death threats, and it features of lot of Nick Park's specialty: claymation slapstick. The ending is satisfy-ing and awesome, in its own predictable way, and the characters are all fun and engaging. Fans of Wallace and Grommit (Park's award-winning short films) will probably feel a little let down by his first full-length feature. The story line's a touch too familiar and the chickens, as marvelous and imaginative as they are, don't manage to convey the full range of emotions like Wallace and Grommit do. But take heart, you claymation weirdos, a full-length Wallace and Grommit is next up, thanks to a multi-picture deal between Park's compa-ny (Aardman) and Dreamworks.

Speaking of Aardman, the quality of work here reminds me of another animation phe-nom: Pixar. As traditionally animated Disney movies become more and more stale (they're really running out of classic fairy tales to adapt), the novelty of Pixar's com-puter animation and Aardman's claymation will draw more audience. The nice part is that both companies place lots of emphasis on good story, and don't rely too heavily on the gimmick side of things. Well, aside from that ill-conceived Burger King tie-in.

Chicken Run is not a great film, and there are other movies out in theaters right now that are more deserving of a big-screen peek, but it is a very good movie, and will deservedly make its way into several fami-ly video (or DVD) libraries in a few months. If you have a kid, or just want to feel like one, see this movie. Otherwise, lay off the chicken pot pies for a few months, just out of respect for Ginger. B

THE PERFECT STORM
Rated: PG-13
Directed by Wolfgang Peterson
Starring: George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg

It's tough to know where to start with a movie like The Perfect Storm. We could start with what a fantastic director Wolfgang Peterson is. We could start with how easy my life is as a writer. We could start with my utter jealousy for Sebastian Junger. We could start with Clooney and Wahlberg, possibly the best team in film since ... since no one I can think of at pres-ent. But perhaps we should start with what an excellently-crafted film it is. Note: there will be information about the film in here, so if you don't know what happened in real life to the Andrea Gail then tread lightly.

I don't want to go overboard here, so to speak, but this film was remarkable. Based on a factual events -- and we'll get into that during the jealousy for Junger part -- the story will not let you go. In a way it's like watching Everest. There's no suspension of disbelief; this happened. This is not entirely true, as no one knows what actually hap-pened to the swordfishermen on the Andrea Gail, but the outcome is undeniable and the script completely plausible. Add to this the side stories of others who were caught in the storm, and the web is woven. Peterson's pacing is impeccable, the computer-gener-ated additions are, for the most part, seam-less, and the script is superior. And now for the Junger part.

Sebastian Junger is, on the outside, a man's worst nightmare. Pick up one of his books and you're confronted with ruggedly hand-some Junger, sitting on a ragged car with a machine gun in his hands, looking properly Film scraggly for a war correspondent. All I could think was, --I hate him.- Where does this guy get off being Mr. Toughman? He must get laid constantly. Why isn't this me? Again, this is on the outside, and, of course, we don't judge books by the cover now, do we?

In 1991, Junger just happened to be living in Gloucester, Mass., when the Gail left on its final voyage. The storm rolled in, the rest ... history, but only because of Junger. He just happened to publish a story in Outside about the Gail and his agent (I got to get one of those) just happened to get him a book deal, and then Hollywood just hap-pened to option the rights before the book was even finished for half a million dollars. You can see how this isn't helping my envy level any, can't you? But the movie redeems him.

The movie, although different from the book, is extremely sensitive to the subject matter. The story is true, and some of these people are still living. There is an element of media vampirism here, and a question could be raised about the correctness of telling this story at all, but assuming that all parties are satisfied with the outcome, the situation could not have been handled with more integrity. The people, and subsequent characterizations, are not the main focus, and their motivations are not elucidated except for the most obvious anyway. The ebb and flow of life in a town based financially on the fishing industry takes center stage along with the freakish flow of events -- natural and man-made -- that conspired against the Gail. The realities of life led according to the rhythms of nature are something that the overwhelming majority of us have no connection to at all. Which leads to my life as a writer.

The film is dedicated to the 10,000 people who have lost their lives at sea since the 1600's. My first reaction to this and the movie was, "You dopes, just move and stop fishing before you die." I certainly felt no inclination to see a movie about fools who went fishing when they shouldn't have and paid dearly. Even without the detailed characters, however, Storm manages to convey the larger reality and the sense of these lives and the motivations -- or lack thereof -- that propel them. The sense of lives led without the ability to see around the edges for the myriad possibilities available. Or the lives led with full knowledge that they pursue a career that could be considered foolhardy, but do it for the love of it. Or the lives led with an eye towards a better future but trapped in the present reality. All of these things can be felt by each one of us but thankfully -- for myself at least -- my desk and computer will not be pulling me down to a watery grave. I am blissfully ignorant of the life and death decisions that must be made by some simply to exist in our world.

Which brings us to the team of the decade--Clooney and Wahlberg. If you haven't seen Three Kings, stop reading now and go rent it. Then go to The Perfect Storm. They may not be the best actors around. They may not have the subtleties of, say, a Spacey. But these guys have cor-nered the market on "simple men making moral, ethical, or fateful decisions." The buddy chemistry between the two is well-played and seemingly genuine. Apparently, in an interview, Wahlberg said that he could go a while without seeing Clooney. I hope he doesn't keep us waiting too long, because so far these guys are two for two. A

GROOVE
Rated: R
Directed by Greg Harrison
Starring: Lola Glaudini, Hamish Linklater

Man, does growing up suck. I remember, fondly, a time when simple stories about fitting in and trying new things really mattered, when I could be blown away by the journey of one innocent character through a world of excitement and danger. I'm thinking mostly of such movies as Dark Crystal and Labyrinth, or Gremlins and the Star Wars trilogy--these are movies that are aimed at children and their endless need for a bigger, better, brighter adult world.

Then you grow up and find out there's a reason your parents are so boring. Life's boring.

Groove is a movie that follows the exact same story arc as the ones mentioned above, which makes it a movie for children. The problem with this, besides the R rating, is that Groove deals with somewhat adult issues. That is, it's about adults enjoying the freedom of childhood thanks to thumping music, manufactured adventure, and drugs. Okay, mostly drugs.

David Turner (Linklater) is a grown-up nerd. He's a writer, and the script sets him up to be instantly recognized as "the guy who won't let go and party." With that straw dummy in place, the rest of the movie is about a rave in San Francisco that David's brother Colin (Denny Kirkwood) drags him to. Long story short: David feels awkward until he takes drugs and meets a cute girl. Writer/director/editor Greg Harrison tries to make this a more redeeming story about discovering our souls, but you don't have to step back very far to see the bigger picture: a lonely single guy becomes happy because he gets high and flirts. Not a great message, especially for children.

Yes, I'm well aware that this movie wasn't made for kids. It does, however, appeal to kids who don't want to be called kids. If you don't believe me, go to the Mayan and see the movie. You'll probably be one of the few people in the theater who can legally jog across the street to buy a beer, or even a pack of Marlboros.

Don't get me wrong. I certainly don't believe that the R rating should be strictly enforced--ratings are extralegal atrocities after all--but I do believe that this movie, which is being touted as the "first fictional movie that captures the essence of the rave," has unfortunately aimed too young. Harrison artfully uses the music to create the energy of a rave, but the story he hangs that rave vibe on is thin, to say the least. His decision to use first-time and amateur actors hurt, too. Lola Glaudini (as David's love interest, Leyla) is the only experienced actor in the film, and it shows.

There's a time when stilted acting, great visual appeal, and simple stories work. That time is in kids' movies. When these traits appear in a movie that deals with, among other things, drug use and sex (straight and gay), the result is an adult audience who notices the flaws, and a young audience that can't tell the difference and just wants to be in the movie, in that adventurous situation. At the risk of sounding old, conservative, grumpy, and like stuffy movie critic: Groove is a dangerous movie that glamorizes activities to an audience that shouldn't be involved in such activities.

Now I feel good and old, and that sucks. But it sucks just as much that such a poten-tially fun movie didn't grow up at all. C+

Shaft in Africa takes private dick John Shaft out of New York and deposits him (duh) in Africa, where he must infiltrate an organization that is promising young Africans good jobs in Europe, then exploits them when they're vulnerable. The results may not have much to do with the streetwise adventures of every other Shaft project, but it does play like a harder edged, better-written, more politically aware James Bond film, which is pretty damn cool.

Two large African gents kidnap Shaft (Richard Roundtree) from his New York apartment. He wakes up in a horse's stable, naked and with only a wooden stick for defense. He is attacked by one of the Africans, while the other watches. Shaft is able to hold the guy off just using his stick ("a man named Shaft has to be good with a stick"), until the other guy makes note of the fact that Shaft is circumcised, which distracts our hero long enough for him to be knocked unconscious. Shaft wakes up naked (again!) in a room that simulates desert conditions. In response to this chal-lenge, Shaft buries himself in the sand. This impresses further the Blofeld-like voice that seems to be running things.

The voice is the Emir, who wants Shaft to go undercover in Ethiopia and be recruited by the slavers. Shaft isn't too hip on this idea until he is offered $25,000. Even so, Shaft is skeptical that he could learn the lan-guage well enough to pass for Ethiopian. "I was 21 before I found out 'isn't' is another way of saying 'ain't.'" But then he meets the beautiful Aleme (Vonetta McGee) who will teach him the language. Being Shaft, he also decides to get it on with her, though her hulking bodyguard proves to be a problem.

Aleme: "Oziot has guarded me since I was a child. Sometimes I think of him as my liv-ing chastity belt."
Shaft: "Damn, a man that size, baby, that's a whole lot of chastity."
One elevator gag later, things presumably get funky.

On a layover in France on his way to Africa, a man dressed as a cleaning woman attacks Shaft in a bathroom. Has Shaft's cover been compromised, or is this man simply opposed to the orange turtleneck Shaft is wearing? (For the love of God, an orange turtleneck!) In any case, Shaft's skin is saved by another secret agent, and he's on his way.

In Africa, Col. Gonder (Marne Maitland) equips Shaft with a secret camera in a fight-ing stick and a hidden tape recorder in a hip pouch. This is so James Bond that even Shaft objects, saying he's "more of a Sam Spade." In any case, Shaft heads off on a bus that will take him to the slavers. He nar-rowly averts death a second time by killing an assassin on the bus and then begins to make the rest of his way on foot. Luckily, there's a friendly dog who joins the journey to keep Shaft company.

Hey, you know ... Shaft hasn't had sex recently! It's a good thing that Aleme shows up out of nowhere in a pimpmobile. Forget the whole slave-trading thing, Shaft wants to get it on!

Back to our regularly scheduled movie. Shaft hooks up with slavers and travels cross-country. There are several attempts on his life along the way, which indicates a traitor somewhere in the Emir's staff. The final confrontation between Shaft and kingpin Amafi takes place in France, and features Shaft falling back into old habits of "screw the (white) authorities" attitude and gratuitous (even irresponsible) property damage.

Shaft in Africa is easily the most entertaining thing to come from the Shaft franchise. Roundtree is in top form as a fighter, a lover, and a detective, even if he does leave a trail of bodies wherever he goes. Not only does Shaft kill assassins right and left, but those who ally with him have a nasty habit of dying as well. After the first hour, there's a sense of impending doom hanging over anyone who allies themselves with our hero, and even those who are simply in the detective's general vicinity find themselves suddenly prone to accidents and other violent incidents. Thankfully, Shaft never once gloats over another man's death, and spares his enemies' lives when he can.

Apart from Roundtree, the surrounding cast is also quite good, in that sort of upper-crust blaxploitation way. Of particular note are the "Shaft chicks" (hey, if Bond can have girls, Shaft can have chicks) who populate Shaft in Africa: McGee's character is seem-ingly innocent but reveals herself to be alluringly wise, and her, uh, "association" with Shaft convinces her to forgo her upcoming clitoridectomy. (Whew!) Aleme is just the sort of person for whom Shaft could really fall, but of course she would be an African princess and therefore unobtain-able. Still, it's a nice dream while it lasts.

The real female star of this film, however, is Neda Arneric, who plays Jazar, the over-sexed and eye-poppingly gorgeous girlfriend of the slavery kingpin. Taking on the task of distracting Shaft aboard the slave ship by having her way with him, Arneric displays her acting talents and her other, more "natural" assets in a scene with some of the funniest bedroom dialogue we've seen. Upon inquiring after the length of Shaft's "phallus," Jazar watches as Shaft looks vaguely uncomfortable and replies, "Baby, by now it's shrunk down to 20 inches." And after Shaft finally relents by bedding Jazar, she lo oks dreamily into the distance and says, "You're the first man who's ever made love to me the way a man should." (Shaft's retort: "Fantastic baby. I'll write my congressman later.")

Kudos must go to Sterling Silliphant (if that is his real name), the screenwriter of Shaft in Africa. Even if the plot is sort of half-baked, it never stops moving and it's ruthless in its quest to find someone new to knock off. And the dialogue, if it wasn't improvised, is simply brilliant. It must have been the envy of a young Quentin Tarantino, wherever he was. Silliphant gives his characters plenty of dramatically kinetic things to do: they knock down doors (twice!), engage in stick fights, throw naked women into their beds, and generally wreak havoc in the most fantastic ways possible.

If the story is obviously based on the suc-cess of the Bond films, the harder edge that Shaft in Africa takes on is certainly due to the influence of the Blaxploitation films that followed in the wake of the original Shaft, like Foxy Brown. The new attitude serves Shaft well. The theme song by the Four Tops asks, "Are You Man Enough?" You better believe he is. A-

The Bug Theater will be home to a new Independent Video and Film Series created specifically for local filmmakers. Sponsored by Inferno Film Productions, LLC, and Valkyrie Illumination, LLC, and of course, your friends here at Go-Go, the series will begin screening movies on 16 mm film, and videos on Beta SP and VHS soon. The target date for the festival to start is in August, but a lot of that depends on the number of submissions received between now and then.

If you're a local filmmaker, and you've got a movie you want people to see, send a letter to: Inferno Film Productions, LLC, PO Box 696, Littleton, 80160. Please list the title, format (16 mm, Beta SP, VHS), length, genre, contact, and e-mail address and/or phone number. You can also fill out and submit the form at www.infernofilm.com/ filmseries.html.

Fans of the movie Groove will have an interesting opportunity to gather in Boulder on July 14. The Boulder Theater will be hosting a Groove release party, presented by Little People Productions, from 10 p.m. to 5:30 a.m. Sorry, kids, the event is 18 and up. True to the spirit of the movie, the party will star such DJs as San Francisco's Dmitri, Wish FM, and Gavin Hardkiss; Chicago's Curious George; Barcelona's Joseph Newman; and local stars Michael Morris and DJ HYcloud. For more information about the party, visit the Little People web-site at http://jbotics.iwarp.com, or call Gabe Deerman at 720-352-1363.

I know I'm not the first one to report this news, but it bears repeating because it's just so ... weird. Tim Burton's next movie will be a re-make of Planet of the Apes, for release in summer of 2001. The big question is, who will Johnny Depp play?

Sequel watch ... the following bad ideas are floating around in Hollywood: Alien 5, Back to the Future 4, Beavis and Butthead 2, Beatlejuice 2, The Bodyguard 2, Die Hard 4, Ferris Bueller 2, Forrest Gump 2, Ghostbusters 3, Godfather IV, Heathers 2, Independence Day 2, Jaws 5 (yes, fucking Jaws 5), Predator 3, Pretty Woman 2, Pretty in Pink 2, Rain Man 2, Roger Rabbit 2, The Sixth Sense 2 ("I smell fat people"), Star Trek ... 10!, Total Recall 2, Tron 2, and Twister 2. And yet, with all that recycled Hollywood shit brewing on the stove, nothing reeks quite so bad as the speculation that there will be a full-length, big-screen, feature presentation of The Monica Lewinsky Story. God bless America. .