Volume 2, Issue 16 July 20 - August 2, 2000

Every month, Bryce comes up with a new way to enjoy himself without spending a lot of dough.

FREE SEX
(IT'S WORTH A TRY)

I am a weak individual. I have succumbed to the pressures that pervade our denegrated culture and sunk to the very bottom of the cesspool. Why don't I just tattoo sell out across my forehead. This, the newest and lowest installment of Low Cash, is about sex.

When I was in college, we heard it was reported in some piece of journalistic excellence (Playboy?) that having sex was like jogging five miles in terms of aerobic benefit. Researchers have recently reported that people who have sex on average three times a week are happier than those who don't. (They also reported an upper limit, but we won't talk about that here.) Health practitioners recommend sex as a way to boost the immune system and keep us feeling great.

You know, the more I think about it, this column is more of a public service than I first would have imagined. In fact, I'm sort of thinking that you people don't deserve me and I should take this elsewhere perhaps Playboy would be interested.... Well, maybe in the future, but for now, for those starting off slow: an idea.

Call up your partner right now. Not from where you are but from where they are. Go to the lobby or whatever and ring them up. Get them to take a five-minute break. Or pretend to be a delivery person and convince them they need to come down and sign for a package or something. You, of course, have previously scoped out a suitable place to get buck naked. When they get to you, hit the aforementioned spot and get busy.

Not possible for logistics reasons? First, I say, try harder. Second, if you still can't work it, try a different approach.

Pop on by your favorite adult video store ... what? Don't have one? Well, there's always a first time. So, pop on by an adult video store, favorite or soon to be, and pick out a nice video or DVD. You're a slacker. You're reading this. So don't pretend you're too busy. Don't be afraid to ask for advice if you need it. When you make an appropriate selection bring it home and watch just enough to get the plot it shouldn't take too long. Find a character you relate to and scrape together a costume to match theirs. When your partner comes home have the video ready and leave a note on the remote telling him or her to play it. At the proper moment reveal yourself, so to speak, and begin some method acting lessons.

It could be that these are not your idea of a romantic rendezvous. Okay, then. Secretly make a reservation at that place in Breckenridge that advertises $29 nights. (If $29 is too steep for you just transform your own place into a love den and follow the same scenario.) Create a scavenger hunt. Start by leaving a note on your partner's car or convince someone they work with to deliver it. Say something appropriately enticing in it and give them a place they have to go for the next stop. The next note should be a bit spicier so as to keep the juices flowing and send them to the next stop. So on and so forth. When you feel they're ready, be at a stop with flowers that you've picked from some public garden don't get caught and present your romantic self with an invitation for a weekend getaway. Have their bag packed so you can whisk them away immediately. The rest is up to you.

Or perhaps these ideas seem a little tame. You're more of the type of person who hits the special section of the personals with lots of words like adventurous, wild, kinky, and the sort. Well, then what are you waiting for? Answer one. I had a friend who decided to do a little test and see just what the personals were made of. He called a bunch of the numbers and started setting up dates. One by one he had dates with mostly beautiful, intelligent women. So there's the scientific data. Find the ad that appeals to you most and call. Is it for you and your partner or just you or just your partner? You can find just about anything if you look hard enough.

Now I don't want to step too far into Stephanie's (aka Siren's) territory, but this stuff is definitely free. Okay, maybe a small cash outlay for the movie or a room somewhere, but mostly free. Therefore I feel justified in recommending an adventure in sexual exploration. Do some research. Don't make this column just another dip into crass sexual exploitation. This is, how shall I say, uplifting and heady stuff.

But don't take my word on it. Ask Stephanie. She's the pro. I'm just hoping to make it to the minors.