Volume 2, Issue 16 July 20 - August 2, 2000

We all like free stuff. There are very few people who can pass up a free dixie cup of juice or vienna wiener sausage on a toothpick from the grocery store sample peddler. This week's sane side of the web will direct you to several free sites, while the weird side takes you to some interesting self help and advice sites.

One Box
www.onebox.com

This site offers free voice mail, e-mail, and fax service. You can use the voice mail while you are out online. And you can store faxes without the paper trail. This site has gotten some pretty favorable reviews in other columns and in the news.

Dial Pad
www.dailpad.com

Dial anywhere in the U.S. from your PC to a phone for free. Works best if you have a newer system with a decent modem. You may be required to download free software to use this site. Dial Pad can also be used while out online to check your home voice mail or pager.

Free Internet
www.freeinternet.com

Sounds great, right? It would save me about $20 a month. However, local access numbers do not guarantee toll-free access. Be sure to check with your local phone company (whoever it is this week) to see if local long distance charges may apply. This site claims that it never requires you to submit your name, address, or phone number.

Top 20 Free Sites
www.top20free.com

Here you will find the ‘net's best links to free clipart, graphics, wallpaper, fonts, samples, fun stuff, product freebies, software and much more. Some of the free stuff will require you to pay for postage fees. I ordered a few freebies of my own and now I wait. Even with all our technology, it still takes four to six weeks for postal delivery. On the weird side ... pitiful self help issues and interesting advice.

Demotivators from Despair, Inc.
www.demotivation.com

You've seen those motivating signs that companies post for their employees to help keep up morale. Well, at Demotivators from Despair, Inc. you can pick up signs promoting laziness (Success is a journey, not a destination, so stop running), stupidity (Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND those who never quit are idiots), and idiocy (Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups). You can order these full color images with witty sayings either as a lithograph poster, note cards, or as a desk-topper in a black brushed-aluminum frame with glass. Best of luck getting that accomplished.

Ask G Wally
www.halcyon.com/gwally/www/askwally.html

Real advice from a real person. And this real person really likes to write long responses. I mean three full paragraphs explaining how to order CDs from BMG and Columbia House. Hello! Find 11 CDs you can live with (or give away), rip off the stamps, lick, stick, mail and wait (and wait). Finally, order seven more at full price (the hitch) and then get the hell out! Was that so hard?

Internet Addict
www.iucf.indiana.edu/~brown/hyplan/addict.html

Are you suffering from Internet Addiction Disorder? There is hope for you. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) homepage can help you diagnose and heal yourself from the evils of cyber world. How do you know if you are an addict? Do you have obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet? How about voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers? Wait just a minute ... I think I might need to look into this ...

99 Ways to Open a Beer Bottle
www.inch.com/~brett/

We have all been there ... a nice cold bottle of brew and no friggin' bottle opener. You need help and fast! So, the next time you are in this unfortunate situation try out one of these bottle popping ideas: use your belt buckle, your ski binding, or a nearby bathroom toilet (place cap in between valve and pipe, press down and drink.) Sounds refreshing!

Just Ask Jim
members.spree.com/jdever/letterfile.htm

Jim is the advice guru of the net. He not only gives advice on love, but on the home and garden, arts and entertainment, and health and fitness. He'll answer questions on just about everything, sometimes even with a special video taped response. Such as this gem from Stu: Dear Jim: Do you think if you put wings on a vacuum cleaner, you could get it to fly? Just wondering. What do you suppose you would call that invention? A flying sucker?

The Amazing Psychic Scooby Doo
home1.gte.net/lrosen/index.htm

This site is very similar to the Kurt Cobain Magic Eight Ball site. You ask Scooby a yes or no question, click on Scooby's pic and get an answer. Well, sometimes. Scooby, will I get a visit from my Uncle Sidney this weekend? Scooby's answer, Zoinks, give me a scooby snack, and I'll give you an answer. Damn ... and I'm all out of scooby snacks! How about some cheesy poofs?

The Luv Doctor's Luv Hole
www.magnetbox.com/eddie/index.html

This is very much like Go-Go's own Siren Chat ... just by a man and not as well written. However if you are concerned that your large cock is too big and want to know more about cock reduction ... then the Luv Doc is your man. Although, you might want to consider the old saying bigger is better before you do anything you (or your spouse) might regret.

Dating Advice for Geeks
www.geekcheck.com

A gal named Brenda hosts this advice site for pathetic lovelorn geeks. She's not just full of good old fashion advice ... you can post your own high school geek horror stories, check out geek personal ads, get dating tips and geek makeover advice. Apparently all you need for a great makeover is a picture of your geek self, a scanner and photoshop. The results are simply amazing! Until next issue ... pop open a bottle of beer and surf for free. .

www.dotcomix.com

If you have a decent connection speed and you're willing to download yet another browser plug-in, this site has some of the best cartoon work on the web. Not quite as over-the-top as Joe Cartoon, but a helluva a lot funnier than Entertaindom, Dot Comix houses some genuine comedy.

But first, the duds. Predictably, the Dilbert and Doonesbury cartoons suck. Dilbert is only funny when you can supply the absurd humor with out audio prompts. If you don't believe me, watch the show on UPN. And the Doonesbury voices are wrong, I tell you, wrong. Also, the Mr. Cranky cartoons are pretty weak. If you want to get the real flavor of the web's meanest movie critic, go to mrcranky.com instead.

With those out of the way, the rest of the site is pretty much gold. My personal favorite is the art criticisms of Sister Randy, a chain-smoking cross-dressing horny British nun. Also worth the download are Bill Gates in Who Wants to be a Trillionaire, the fucked-up puppets of Birthday Party, and the erotic stylings of Virtual Bill.