Volume 2, Issue 19 August 31 - September 13, 2000
Double Feature: Film Reviews

The Cell

Movies today seem trapped in a prison. Take the appropriately titled Jennifer Lopez movie, The Cell. While it uses astonishing visual effects and out-of-this-world cinematography, it can't string together a story worth watching...audiences leave the theater asking, "What's the point?"

First of all, the reason everyone's going to see this movie is for the costuming, the effects, and the imagination that's gone into a world of psychological dreaming the movie concocts. Jennifer Lopez plays a social worker who's been drafted for a special program to cure a specific form of schizophrenia that puts its victims into a permanent coma. The program basically connects the doctor's brain to the patient's, and allows the therapist to enter the dormant mind and try to weed out the problem. The program so far, working with one young test patient, has been a failure. A big test, and a chance at redemption, comes in the form of a catatonic serial killer who has gone under without revealing the secret of where his latest victim is trapped in a torture chamber, at the mercy of some automatic drowning device. Got all that?

It's a lot, and it's a hell of a ham-handed way to set up these dream sequences (which, by the way, are magnificent). Most movie goers are willing to forgive plot contrivances if the payoff is big, but even with this movie's big payoff, the contrivance is unforgiveable. It's not one aspect of the plot that's forced for the sake of the dream sequences -- the entire story is manipulated just to justify director Tarsem's overactive visual imagination.

There are two Hollywood cliches fighting for screen time. The first is the typical cop-going-after-sick-psycho movie, which is boring, and, aside from some truly disgusting behavior on the part of the killer, completely old territory. Think of this aspect as Seven Lite. The second cliche is the therapist-discovering-the-pyschosis-of-a-killer movie, done before in Silence of the Lambs and its many knock-offs. This aspect is much better, since it ropes in the dream thing, and Jennifer Lopez puts a much kinder, more vulnerable face on the therapist than usual. So we've got half a movie that nobody wants to see again, and half a movie that nobody's seen before. That's not a passing grade, folks.

Which brings me to my problem with Hollywood in general these days. It seems that the new brand of horror-thrillers (for which Fincher and Shyamalan are equally responsible) has no problem with shocking and disgusting its audience, but won't dare to stimulate and disturb that audience. For instance, it's okay to show a man's entrails being pulled out one-by-one, but it's not okay to ever question the motives (or the repurcussions) of the good guy's actions. A simple moral dilemma can have ten times the squirm factor of a blood-and-guts effect. I understand, on a basic story-telling level, why the good guys must win, but why can't they win at a price sometimes?

In this particular movie, the seeds of a very good dilemma are planted. Should Jennifer Lopez enter this serial killer's brain when it could possibly wreck her own psyche? The movie's answer is: of course. And I'm not really giving anything away if I tell you that she comes through unscathed. Of course. But what if. What if a certain part of her was lost in order to save this poor victim trapped in the dunk tank? What if she ruined the part of her brain that gave her this "gift" of drug-aided telepathy, and couldn't return to her work on the first little boy? What if saving the day came at a price for once, a price more hefty than just a cheap scare and temporary loss of self-awareness...that's the kind of drama they had to create before these effects came along.

I guess the price paid is on our part. We've had to sacrifice good, gripping story for special effects. For some unknown reason, it's too hard to fund a project with amazing visuals and a story worth watching. The art form of the movie is trapped in a cell, and the water level of stupidity is rising. Is anyone willing to pay the price to save it?

OVER TROUBLED WATER

Black and white. French. Subtitles. Love story. Frightened yet? No need, Girl on the Bridge rises above its canon. True, Daniel Auteuil smokes many cigarettes and wears outlandish pants as Gabor, but despite the fact that this movie is an archetypal French film, it's good.

Gabor meets Adele (Vanessa Pradis) as she is about to kill herself. He saves her. She has no luck, and she believes herself to be a shit-magnet. Gabor believes she is lucky and sets out to prove to her that this is so, and to throw knives at her. He is a circus performer with half an act. He needs an assistant. She brings sensuality to his act and into his life.

A love story between a carnival knife-thrower and his target.

Try to dodge the onslaught of symbolism if you choose, but a man casting phallic projectiles at a woman and never hitting her speaks to something. He frequently nicks her, but never hits her. They carry on this way, staring at each other wantonly, as she writhes in anticipation on a board and he gives her piercing stares just before flinging his blades.

Gabor has made a habit of finding desperate women who no longer care to live, and incorporating them into his act. With Adele, things seem different; he may have gotten lucky.

Luck is an important theme here. Gabor firmly believes that Adele is lucky, while she is rooted in a contrary belief. He uses many different opportunities to try and prove to her that she can be lucky--he believes that getting lucky takes hard work. Luck, the film implies, is also a distinct matter of perspective. He sees himself and Adele as a whole--useless, like two fragments of a torn dollar bill, if apart.

Gabor is a wise man with many theories on existence, intrigued at first, Adele soon sees past his front and starts to love him. The catch, she's a little crazy and prone to running off with men willy-nilly. She needs to be hugged, and Gabor, although obviously repining for her, fulfills some odd code of honor between employer and employee by doing nothing about it.

Paradis, who was a pop star in France by the age of 14, still retains a girlish charm as an actress, and the cute little gap between her two front teeth adds to her credulous nature as Adele. With his formidable profile, Auteuil looks overtly European. For this film he often seems to be acting solely with his eyes. They are often the center of attention, and rightly so, since he must focus while hucking sharp metal at a young woman.

There is more to the eyes, however--the reason they may appear so weary and busy is because there is the element of clairvoyance between the two that the film skirts at times and embellishes at others. Gabor and Adele have an odd link. They can have conversations when they are in different cities. The extent of this clairvoyance is left untapped while they are on stage; however, when they use it to turn profit at casinos, it becomes clearer.

Directed by Patrice Leconte (Ridicule, The Hairdresser's Husband), one of France's premier directors, this film has a nice contrast between the gullibility of restless youth and the stubborn wisdom acquired in middle age.

I've always had a hard time watching movies where it is obvious to everyone but the main characters what is inevitable and destined to occur. Even though such films usually end predictably happy, I always come unhinged in the process. The whole issue of their unique clairvoyance makes it a little more unbearable in this case, but I managed to maintain my composure and enjoy the movie for what it offers: a love story with many bizarre and tragic elements that also explores a sexless link between two people who are committed on rather unconventional levels in a relationship. A love wherein lust takes a backseat to respect. Auteuil's frank nature and deadpan delivery along with Paradis' subtle slutiness as Adele give the film a comic edge that makes it flow and basically kick ass. To Adele and Gabor, friendship is more important than anything else in their relationship, and that is good.

Hoping to see Melanie Griffith's bare breasts (she was such a good whore in Milk Money), I ended up going to see the new John Waters' film, Cecil B. DeMented. I know several disgruntled movie theatre employees, but none of them have taken their displeasure for bad film to the levels portrayed in this movie. Fed up with shitty movies, these minimum-wagers kidnap Hollywood icon Honey Whitlock (Griffith), and force her to denounce mainstream cinema while brandishing firearms and appearing in their outlaw production. A whimsical rip on both Hollywood crap and indie shit. Corny big budget nonsense and pretentious art-house poo, both under the gun in one loud, fast, violent, B-movie. She (Griffith) strips a little; lingerie. Alicia Witt is pretty, and very horny. The whole cast and crew behind Cecil's "vision" are horny and dysfunctionalÑ it's always funny to see someone huffing glue and gasoline on screen. Until their film is finished,they are locked into a vow of celibacy. "Celibate for cinema" madness, but they would die for their project, so why not give up fucking? To channel their energy into the film, they must keep their sexual energy intact. "Death to bad cinema," they scream. Watch lovers of bad cinema slurp oyster after oyster at gunpoint! See Ricki Lake get clothes-lined!! Sit in awe as a Satanist drinks goat piss!!! Listen to Stephen Dorff scream a whole lot!!!!
B
--Josh Tyson

Al Pacino will soon be starring with a computer-generated female character. Why is the female lead going CGI? Is she an alien? A rendering of a deceased actress? Some sort of sci-fi invention? Nope, apparently, she's "just a girl." The film is currently called Simone, and is slated for release in late 2001 or early 2002. This is obviously quite a revolutionary move on the part of director Andrew Niccol (Gattaca, The Truman Show), since it's the first time a computer-generated character will replace a human for no apparent reason. With the Screen Actor's Guild (SAG) threatening a movie strike in 2001 if the current labor dispute drags on, Simone could go down as one of the most important power shifts in Hollywood since the death of silent film.

If all of this sounds incredible to you, just wait until you see Final Fantasy: The Movie in July 2001. The entire cast is computer generated, and it looks just about flawless. If you don't believe me, go to www.finalfantasy.com and download the full trailer for yourself. The budget is reportedly around $70 million for what would normally cost (in realworld special effects and stunt doubles and acting fees) about $150 million. We might be finally seeing the time when voice and personality are more important to a movie star career than acting skills or physical appearance (at least until technology provides a credible computer-generated voice synthesizer).

--Chris J. Magyar

28 Days [PG13 1h 43m] Sandra Bullock checks into a 12step program on how to not be annoying anymore. It doesn't work. Starring: Sandra Bullock, Viggo Mortensen and Diane Ladd. Directed by: Betty Thomas. Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle [PG 1h 28m] Squirrel and Moose do battle with DeNiro and DeNiro loses. Starring: Robert DeNiro, Rene Russo and Jason Alexander. Directed by: Des McAnuff.

Alice et Martin [R 2h 3m] Pregnant French girl suddenly finds out stuff about her boyfriend. Starring: Juliet Binoche, Alexis Loret. Directed by: Andre Techine.

Art of War [R] Spy has to fight to survive using special stunts ripped off from The Matrix. Starring: Wesley Snipes, Anne Archer. Directed by: Christian Duguay.

Autumn in New York [PG13 1h 44m] Another ancient flabby man gets a nice piece of ass. Starring: Richard Gere, Winona Ryder. Directed by: Joan Chen.

Big Momma's House [PG13 1h 45m] Martin Lawrence is a bigger, blacker Mrs. Doubtfire. Starring: Martin Lawrence, Nia Long and Paul Giamatti. Directed by: Raja Gosnell.

Bless the Child [R 1h 50m] Those wacky Satanic cults are out kidnapping little psychic girls again. Starring: Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits, Christina Ricci. Directed by: Chuck Russell.

Blood Simple [R 1h 37m] The Coen Brothers' classic Hitchcock homage returns to the big screen. Starring: Frances McDormand and John Getz. Directed by: Joel Coen.

Boys and Girls [PG13 1h 38m] Calling this movie Boys and Girls is like taking Shaft and renaming it Nice White People. Starring: Freddie Prinze Jr., Claire Forlani and Jason Biggs. Directed by: Robert Iscove.

Bring It On [PG13 1h 32m] Cheerleaders fight to the death in bikinis! Only without the death. Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Gabrielle Union, Jesse Bradford. Directed by: Peyton Reed.

But I'm A Cheerleader [R 1h 21m] Sounds preposterous, and it is, but the film absolutely recognizes this, which makes it a damn funny picture. Starring: Clea Duvall, Natasha Lyonne. Directed by: Jamie Babbit.

Butterfly [R 1h 35m] It's one of those foreign movies that starts on the cusp of civil war with an old man and a young boy. Starring: Uxia Blanco, Manuel Lozano and Fernando Fernan Gomez. Directed by: Jose Luis Cuerda.

The Cell [R 1h 47m] When you get into a serial killer's head, it's like What Dreams May Come, if that movie was made by Satan. Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughan. Directed by: Tarsem.

Center Stage [PG13 1h 56m] Girl finds Fame in a Footloose and Flashdance way. Starring: Amanda Schull and Peter Gallagher. Directed by: Nicholas Hytner.

Chicken Run [PG 1h 25m] I'll never order my breaded grilled chicken sandwich again without thinking of little hunks of clay with British accents. Starring: Mel Gibson, Julia Sawahla and Miranda Richardson. Directed by: Nick Park and Peter Lord.

Coyote Ugly [PG13 1h 26m] Strippers who don't take off their clothes. Starring: Piper Perabo, Maria Bello, Tyra Banks, John Goodman. Directed by: David McNally.

The Crew [PG13 1h 28m] Grumpy old mafia men. Starring: Burt Reynolds, Richard Dreyfuss. Directed by: Michael Dinner.

The Eyes of Tammy Faye [PG13 1h 19m] Everybody's favorite disgusting televangist wife in a documentary. Starring: Tammy Faye Bakker, RuPaul. Directed by: Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato.

Fantasia 2000 [G 1h 15m] Dancing flamingos, Noah's duck, flying whales, and other fun things to watch on acid. Starring: James Earl Jones, Quincy Jones and Angela Lansbury. Directed by: James Algar.

Final Destination [R 1 33m] I am dead people. Starring: Devon Sawa, Ali Larter, Kerr Smith. Directed by: James Wong IV.

The Five Senses [R 1h 45m] Sex, one sense at a time. Starring: Philippe Volter, Gabriellle Rose, Mary Louise Parker and Daniel Maclvor. Directed by: Jeremy Podeswa.

The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas [PG 1h 31m] More yabbadabba doodoo from America's least favorite annoying liveaction cartoon franchise. Starring: Mark Addy, Stephen Baldwin, Joan Collins and Alan Cumming. Directed by: Brian Levant.

Frequency [PG13 1h 47m] Father and son use short wave radios to speak to each other. Starring: Dennis Quaid, Jim Caviezel and Andre Braugher. Directed by: Gregory Hoblit.

Gladiator [R 2h 30m] Romans, Christians, lions, thumbs, little metal skirts. Starring: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, Richard Harris and Djimon Hounsou. Directed by: Ridley Scott.

Godzilla 2000 [PG 1h 37m] What the hell do you think it's about? Starring: Godzilla. Directed by: Takao Okarawa.

Gone in 60 Seconds [PG13 1h 58m] Nick Cage and Angie Jolie steals cars as loudly and quickly as possible, thanks to Jerry Armageddon Bruckheimer. Starring: Nicholas Cage, Angelina Jolie, Giovanni Ribisi and Robert Duvall. Directed by: Dominic Sena.

Hollow Man [R 1h 45m] An invisible man goes crazy just because he can. Starring: Kevin Bacon, Elizabeth Shue. Directed by: Paul Verhoeven

The Kid [PG 1h 44m] Bruce Willis has an inner child that's fat and annoying. Starring: Bruce Willis, Lily Tomlin and Spencer Breslin. Directed by: Jon Turteltaub.

Loser [PG13 1h 38m] Remember that kid you hated in high school? This is a movie about him getting to kiss your girlfriend. Starring: Jason Biggs, Mena Suvari, Greg Kinnear Directed by: Amy Heckerling.

Me, Myself, and Irene [R 1h 56m] Jim Carrey and the Farrelly brothers explore the softer side of paranoid schizophrenia. Starring: Jim Carrey and Renee Zellweger. Directed by: Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly.

Mission: Impossible 2 [PG13 2h 6m] If you haven't yet seen this movie go now. I know what's good for you. Don't listen to any other reviews; just go. Starring: Tom Cruise, Ving Rhames, Thandie Newton and Dougray Scott. Directed by: John Woo.

The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps [PG13 1h 45m] Contrary to all common sense and logic, it's only the poopoo that really shines. Starring: Eddie Murphy, Janet Jackson. Directed by: Peter Segal.

The Original Kings of Comedy [R 2h] Comedians give white people a long overdue tongue lashing. Starring: D. L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer, Steve Harvey. Directed by: Spike Lee.

The Patriot [R 2h 47m] Mel Gibson is the only American with the balls to stand up to the wigwearing British. Starring: Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger. Directed by: Roland Emmerich.

The Perfect Storm [PG13 2h 12m] My first reaction to the movie was, "you dopes, just move and stop fishing before you die." Starring: George Clooney, John C. Reilly and Mark Wahlberg. Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen.

Pokemon the Movie 2000 [G 1h 49m] Well, duh. It's about, like, stuff with, like, those things. Starring: Kids who have indulgent parents. Directed by: Talentless Hack, Jr.

The Replacements [PG13] A football strike means the NFL is taken over by Keanu Reeves and his evil band of strippers. Starring: Gene Hackman, Keanu Reeves. Directed by: Howard Deutch.

Road Trip [R 1h 31m] Tom Green takes his nasty habits on the road. Starring: Breckin Mayer, DJ Qualls, Seann William Scott and Tom Green. Directed by: Todd Phillips.

Rocky Horror Picture Show [R] Let's do the time warp again É and again É and again É

Saving Grace [R 1h 34m] Little old British ladies get high on pot. Starring: Brenda Blethyn, Craig Ferguson. Directed by: Nigel Cole.

Scary Movie [R 1h 28m] This movie is scary all right. Scary that someone spent more than $5 to make it. Starring: Jonathan Abrahams, Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth. Directed by: Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Shaft [R 1h 38m] Just looking at the black leather Armani clothes was a dead giveaway that they weren't going to let Shaft go soft. Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Jeffery Wright and Christian Bale. Directed by: John Singleton.

Shanghai Noon [PG13 1h 50m] Jackie Chan does a chopsocky spaghetti western. Starring: Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson and Rafael Baez. Directed by: Tom Dey.

Small Time Crooks [PG 1h 35m] Woody Allen plans the perfect crime by stammering and worrying. Starring: Michael Rapaport, Tracy Ullman, Hugh Grant and Woody Allen. Directed by: Woody Allen.

Space Cowboys [PG13] Fogeys in space! Starring: Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland, James Garner. Directed by: Clint Eastwood.

Sunshine [R 3h] A three-hour movie about a family in Hungary. Starring: Ralph Fiennes and Rosemary Harris. Directed by: Istvan Szabo.

The Tao of Steve [R 1h 28m] A guy who did all for the nookie, and who tells you where you can take that cookie. Starring: Donal Logue, Greer Goodman. Directed by: Jenniphr Goodman.

Thomas and the Magic Railroad [G 1h 25m] Alec Baldwin and Peter Fonda embarrass themselves in this trippy tyke movie about the little engine that could talk. Starring: Alec Baldwin, John Bellis, Peter Fonda and Mara Wilson. Directed by: Britt Allcroft.

Titan A. E.[ PG 1h 35m] Space cartoon

with no Space Ghost. Starring: Matt Damon, Bill Pullman, Hank Azaria and Drew Barrymore. Directed by: Don Bluth and Gary Goldman.

What Lies Beneath [PG13 2h 6m] Your partner is guaranteed to jump into your lap at least four or five times. Starring: Harrison Ford, Michelle Pfeiffer. Directed by: Robert Zemeckis

Wonderland [R 1h 49m] Three sisters deal with life problems-- it's not as bad as it sounds. Starring: Gina McKee, Shirley Henderson, Ian Hart. Directed by: Michael Winterbottom.

XMen [PG13 1h 36m] This is a film that was made with a sequel in mind, if not already written. Starring: Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan, Famke Janssen and Halle Berry. Directed by: Bryan Singer.