Volume 2, Issue 20 September 14 -September 27, 2000

Bar Guide

Before getting too deep into tequila fact and lore, let's first abolish a bit of myth, the little urban legend that worms are found in tequila. Only in American-bottled varieties might you find one staring back at you from just under the label, representing nothing more than a marketing ploy to dazzle the gringos. Sure you can eat it. That ill-looking larva won't hurt you. Just don't expect to feel the effects of a psychotropic aphrodisiac.

There are basically three different types of tequila drinkers: the shooters, the sippers and the margaritians. The shooters are those that like to be accosted by the rougher-edged distinct agave taste of a blanco. The sipper prefers a smoother woody anejo, and the cocktail drinker can fall anywhere from an ignorant admirer of gold rot-gut to a more knowledgeable fan of reposado.

The main difference in these styles is in how they are aged or mixed. Blancos (or platas) are generally bot-tled straight from the still. They can be aged for up to 60 days in steel tanks, but never spend time in wooden barrels. This is the strongest and most robust offshoot of the tequila family. The joven abocado, or gold tequilas, are colored and flavored with caramel or oak essence to make it appear mature, i. e. Cuervo Gold. Most of these types are called mixtos or mixed tequilas because they are not made from 100% agave. Reposados are aged two months to a year in oak barrels, which refines the flavor. But any longer and, by stringent Mexican standards, has to be called anejo, tequila aged from one to seven years and considered the premium blend.

However, don't be misled by strategic catch phrases like "triple-distilled" or "barrel-aged for seven years." These techniques are overkill and only tamper with the delicate agave flavor. Tequila is double-distilled by law, which is ample refinement, and any longer than four years of aging does little more than beef up the liquor's resume on the label, constituting a higher price for the chump willing to pay for such commercial trickery.

Therefore, much to the delight of avid tequila drinkers, often price has more to do with fancy packaging, ad campaigns and overall status than the quality of the product. For instance, Jose Cuervo (" Joe Crow") owns the recognized name and colorful history, but Cuervo Gold has a harsh flavor that has long since given the drink the mistaken reputation of being macho. Along with Sauza Blanco, these two leading brands have almost wholly contributed to create the norte americano ritual of salt and lime. Though in all fairness, Sauza makes good tequila; you just have to pay a little more.

Even many so-called premiums aim for attracting the snob market more through charm and bottle design than by being a first-class tequila experience. With almost 600 different brands on the market today, it's a bewildering task to try to pick the best bang for your buck. Just keep this in mind: the most critical difference is that true tequila is a 100% blue agave product. Mixtos are made with only 51% agave sugars. If the label doesn't say "100% de agave" or "cien de cientos de agave," then you're buying a mixto composed of 49% alternative adjuncts and a potential recipe for a quaking hangover.

As far as the components for mixing a margarita are concerned, there is no absolute perfect recipe for this world-famous cocktail. Tequila partnered with lime juice and Cointreau or Triple Sec always does the trick. The difference lies in the type of tequila used, and I would recommend a reposado over a blanco, as they both hold their flavor with these extra ingredients, but reposados simply taste better. Anejos may be too subtle for margaritas, and it's not worth dishing out the coin only to lose the quality. In preparing a personal margarita, many bartenders like to put their signature on the concoction by using fruit Schnaaps, fruit juices, sour mix or Blue Caracao. Personally, I don't think it gets any better than adding a splash of 7-Up and a float of Grand Marnier to the base formula. You can find excellent "margs" at Croc's or Rio Grande. Just beware, due to the high alcohol contents of their signature drink, there is a maximum you can order. Ignore these rules and you may find yourself bent over a commode or lying face down, gripping the cracks in the pavement, trying not to fall up.

For those of us who like to shoot or sip good tequila, I recommend the following quality labels: Sauza Hornitos is hands down the best reposado for under $20 a bottle. Spend $30 to buy Sauza Tres Genereciones anejo and the post payday superlatives for around $40 are Lapis, Profidio, Don Julio, and the traditionally handmade El Tesoro, all anejos.

V ery recently I drank beer and whiskey in Glendale at a friend's housewarming party. I was awfully shitty by the end of the night, so when I

passed out for a few in the grass outside my friend's apartment complex, and missed the cab I had been waiting for, I wasn't too surprised. I think it's about 60 blocks from Glendale to Five Points, where I live. This trip took about one hour and 20 minutes by skateboard.

I had wanted to buy my friend the two bottles necessary for Champipple, but the substandard liquor store I visited in Glendale didn't carry one of the key ingredients. I've been told that wine is a staple housewarming present, but I believe that Champipple has more to offer in both flavor and class.

Champipple: 1 bottle of cheap champagne (keep it around $5) 1 bottle of MD "Mad Dog" 20/ 20, any flavor will do, it should only cost about $2.50 (Key ingredient not available in parts of Glendale.) Mix equal amounts of each in a glass and celebrate.

--Josh Tyson