Volume 2, Issue 20 September 14 - September 27, 2000 September 14 - September 27, 2000
Film

Here's a little common sense for wannabe Hollywood writer/ director/ producers (like Whipped's guru Peter M. Cohen): if all the main characters in your movie are odious and annoying, chances are your movie will be odious and annoying, too. The setup here is that four assholes (otherwise known as 'typical men' in the world of movies) all fall for the same hot young temptress, played by real-life hot young temptress Amanda Peet (remember the gun firing in The Whole Nine Yards?). Although Peet's character, Mia, is supposed to be the likeable one, she's wafer thin in order to sustain the big "revelation" of the movie that is popped on to the end ... I won't spoil it, but if you can't figure it out after ten minutes, you'll probably like this movie and disagree with me on just about everything anyway.

Clocking in at barely over an hour, the movie feels like one episode of a semi-quirky HBO comedy series. Think of it as "Sex In The City" with stupid men instead of intelligent women. There's Brad, the hot-shot Wall Street guy who's the token narcissist. And Zeke, the shallow control freak who plays up the coffee house East Village angle to compensate for his weak chin (and other inadequate body parts). And finally Jonathan, the whiny pathetic loser who masturbates all the time. I think we're supposed to root for Jonathan, because he kind of looks like Ben Stiller and does one of those funny Farrelly brothers things with a vibrator and a urine-filled toilet. Wow. The male Hollywood role model has gone from John Wayne to ... this?

The fourth dude is by far the worst character-- Eric, a man who got married and now lives vicariously through his buddies' tales of scamming. Maybe it's just the newlywed in me, but the movie's cheap pot shots at the institution of marriage made me want to call up my wife and watch her do Tae Kwon Do on this guy's fat ass. The complete package of this foursome makes me think that Mr. Cohen wrote, directed, and produced this movie for the sole purpose of impressing some chick and getting laid. He's trying to say, "See? I know what jerks men can be, so I deserve to have a girlfriend." What he's actually saying is, "See? I'm so aware of my asshole tendencies that I can split them into four different people!"

If you can't think of anything more original to say about the battle of the sexes than 'man, you really do need to put the toilet seat down, or the chicks will hate you, ' then you should stay away from romantic comedies. Actually, I'm not even sure this is a romantic comedy, since there's almost no romance, and it's a terrible date movie. It's too rude to be a chick flick, too damning of male behavior to be a buddy movie, and, come to think of it, not funny enough to be a comedy. So what is it?

It's a vague doppelganger of all the better movies that came before it, and that is how you get your hands on Hollywood studio cash. If you're easily tickled by over-used jokes about men and women, go ahead and sit through this. Like I said, it's not very long, and it might make you feel like you know what you're doing with the opposite sex. Next to these dopes, anyone looks good.
D+ --Chris J. Magyar

YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?

She is spilling guts: all of her hardships with booze and drugs and worst of all, celebrity stardom. There is a light at the end of said tunnel of shit. There is drama here, and even when her stories become fragmented and desperate, she brings them back around and ties it all together with a phrase like, "Hi, I'm Gwen. I'm here to wash your vagina." Repeatedly.

Filmed live, I'm The One That I Want is Margaret Cho performing her award-winning show in front a sold-out crowd in her hometown of San Francisco, with all of her glorious neurosis and insight. Although it is primarily an autobiographical account of decadence turned to success and sobriety, it is also a platform for her activist work in the gay community and for her to deflate many Asian-American stereotypes.

Not a lot of people might remember Cho's work on the doomed ABC sitcom, "All-American Girl." It was TV's first sitcom to revolve around an Asian-American family. The show was supposed to be based on Cho's stand-up comedy, but Cho didn't have much creative control over the show, and it floundered in its first season.

"There were just so many people involved in that show, and so much importance was put on the fact that it was an ethnic show. And then, for fear of being too 'ethnic, ' it got so watered down for television that by the end, it was completely lacking in the essence of what I am and what I do," Cho said of the series. Cho was told to lose weight to play herself, consulted on how to be "more Asian," and forced into intense regimented exercise with a personal trainer.

The harsh atmosphere of show business and the failure of the series led Cho into drug and alcohol abuse which, as it turned out, made for some good material.

In this film, she is telling the absolute truth about some fucked-up experiences that she's had. Her clarity and perspective on the subject matter is hilarious. She is thoroughly dissecting her history and environment with a spit-shined hatchet. Granted, this is the basis for most effective and revered stand-up comedy, but Cho is speaking on some previously untouched issues: fag hags as the backbone of the gay community, lesbian whale watching, KKK-Mart, mullets in straight porn, the cocksucker's abdominal workout, and balls in pantyhose. Nothing taboo is safe from her scope.

She also adds to her trademark impression of her wise Korean mother in many new and endearing installments.

Cho grew up in San Francisco in the '70's. She went to school on Haight Street and was raised around '60's burnouts, drag queens and Chinese people. She began performing stand up at the age of 16. "I just wanted to get into bars. Comedy was my art of choice," Cho said.

Her performance here has been compared to Eddie Murphy's '80's stand-up masterpiece, Raw. This is not without merit; she is bringing some of the raunchy thoughts and behaviors that many women have undoubtedly long harbored (giving unnecessary head, general sluttiness) right out into the open. She is at turns dainty and sweet in her performance while also being, well, raw. Sometimes you wonder if she is going to haul off and grab her crotch.

This is a great movie. It speaks to many socially relevant issues and is a success story on several levels. She gets to go down in history with such comic legends as Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Roseanne, and Murphy, and she also gets to say a summaried and well deserved 'fuck you' to everyone that tried to hold her back or break her down.
A --Josh Tyson

ART OF WAR
Rated:R
Starring: Wesley Snipes, Anne Archer.
Directed by: Christian Duguay.

Donald Sutherland needs a haircut so bad in this movie, I was tempted to run up to the screen with a pair of shears and shout, "Bend over Donald, I'm just going to take a little off the top!" Of course, that's not why I went. I went to see some Hong Kong-style action with a slice of Wesley Snipes attitude, and the movie delivered.

Unfortunately, it delivered at a very stately pace, with some truly flat cinematography effects and inept editing. I won't say the movie was ruined by the direction, but the impact was definitely lost, especially in an age where action is synonymous with breakneck pace. The script, even with a few clunker lines sprinkled in, conveys the depth necessary to carry the title and propel the who's-on-whose-side storyline forward without the confusion of, say, Mission: Impossible. And the actors, aside from Snipes and Sutherland's hair, stay out of the action's way.

I'm still not sure how I feel about the performance of Marie Matiko, who plays the female lead (which in an action movie means the tag-along intelligence). She has a sort of Salma Hayek vibe-- pretty, and just a good enough actress to get by with her stilted accent and sometimes inappropriate facial expressions. I guess the worst thing about this film is that I had time to contemplate such things as the female lead's acting performance.

And that terrible haircut.

Alice et Martin [R 2h 3m] Pregnant French girl suddenly finds out stuff about her boyfriend. Starring: Juliet Binoche, Alexis Loret. Directed by: Andre Techine.

Almost Famous [R] Instead of going to summer camp, a young boy goes on tour with a rock band. Starring: Billy Crudup, Kate Hudson, Patrick Fugit, Frances McDormand. Directed by: Cameron Crowe.

Art of War [R] Spy has to fight to survive using special stunts ripped off from The Matrix. Starring: Wesley Snipes, Anne Archer. Directed by: Christian Duguay.

Autumn in New York [PG13 1h 44m] Another ancient flabby man gets a nice piece of ass. Starring: Richard Gere, Winona Ryder. Directed by: Joan Chen.

Big Momma's House [PG13 1h 45m] Martin Lawrence is a bigger, blacker Mrs. Doubtfire. Starring: Martin Lawrence, Nia Long and Paul Giamatti. Directed by: Raja Gosnell.

Bait Stupid crook wins everybody's heart by being stupid. Starring: Jamie Foxx, Kimberly Elise, David Morse, Doug Hutchison. Directed by: Jason Fuchs.

Big Momma's House [PG-13 1h 45m] Martin Lawrence is a bigger, blacker Mrs. Doubtfire. Starring: Martin Lawrence, Nia Long and Paul Giamatti. Directed by: Raja Gosnell.

Bless the Child [R 1h 50m] Those wacky Satanic cults are out kidnapping little psychic girls again. Starring: Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits, Christina Ricci. Directed by: Chuck Russell.

Bring It On [PG13 1h 32m] Cheerleaders fight to the death in bikinis! Only without the death. Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Gabrielle Union, Jesse Bradford. Directed by: Peyton Reed.

But I'm A Cheerleader [R 1h 21m] Sounds preposterous, and it is, but the film absolutely recognizes this, which makes it a damn funny picture. Starring: Clea Duvall, Natasha Lyonne. Directed by: Jamie Babbit.

Butterfly [R 1h 35m] It's one of those foreign movies that starts on the cusp of civil war with an old man and a young boy. Starring: Uxia Blanco, Manuel Lozano and Fernando Fernan Gomez. Directed by: Jose Luis Cuerda.

The Cell [R 1h 47m] When you get into a serial killer's head, it's like What Dreams May Come, if that movie was made by Satan. Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughan. Directed by: Tarsem.

Center Stage [PG13 1h 56m] Girl finds Fame in a Footloose and Flashdance way. Starring: Amanda Schull and Peter Gallagher. Directed by: Nicholas Hytner.

Chicken Run [PG 1h 25m] I'll never order my breaded grilled chicken sandwich again without thinking of little hunks of clay with British accents. Starring: Mel Gibson, Julia Sawahla and Miranda Richardson. Directed by: Nick Park and Peter Lord.

Coyote Ugly [PG13 1h 26m] Strippers who don't take off their clothes. Starring: Piper Perabo, Maria Bello, Tyra Banks, John Goodman. Directed by: David McNally.

The Crew [PG13 1h 28m] Grumpy old mafia men. Starring: Burt Reynolds, Richard Dreyfuss. Directed by: Michael Dinner.

Dinosaur [PG 1h 22m] The dialogue in this movie is about as good as a super-serious Saved By the Bell episode. Directed by: Eric Leighton and Ralph Zondag.

The Five Senses [R 1h 45m] Sex, one sense at a time. Starring: Philippe Volter, Gabriellle Rose, Mary Louise Parker and Daniel Maclvor. Directed by: Jeremy Podeswa. Exorcist-- The Version You've Never Seen [R] Don't be fooled by the long title-- it's just the original with eleven more minutes added on. Starring: Linda Blair. Directed by: William Friedkin.

Fantasia 2000 [G 1h 15m] Dancing flamingos, Noah's duck, flying whales, and other fun things to watch on acid. Starring: James Earl Jones, Quincy Jones and Angela Lansbury. Directed by: James Algar.

Frequency [PG-13 1h 47m] Father and son use short wave radios to speak to each other Starring: Dennis Quaid, Jim Caviezel and Andre Braugher. Directed by: Gregory Hoblit.

Girl on the Bridge [R 1h 30m] French love stories go over so much better when there are knives being thrown around. Starring: Daniel Auteuil, Vanessa Paradis. Directed by: Patrice Leconte.

Gladiator [R 2h 30m] Romans, Christians, lions, thumbs, little metal skirts. Starring: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, Richard Harris and Djimon Hounsou. Directed by: Ridley Scott.

Godzilla 2000 [PG 1h 37m] What the hell do you think it's about? Starring: Godzilla. Directed by: Takao Okarawa.

Highlander: Endgame [R] There can only be one my ass. Starring: Christopher Lambert, Adrian Paul. Directed by: Douglas Aarniokoski.

Hollow Man [R 1h 45m] An invisible man goes crazy just because he can. Starring: Kevin Bacon, Elizabeth Shue. Directed by: Paul Verhoeven

The Kid [PG 1h 44m] Bruce Willis has an inner child that's fat and annoying. Starring: Bruce Willis, Lily Tomlin and Spencer Breslin. Directed by: Jon Turteltaub.

Me, Myself, and Irene [R 1h 56m] Jim Carrey and the Farrelly brothers explore the softer side of paranoid schizophrenia. Starring: Jim Carrey and Renee Zellweger. Directed by: Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly.

Mission: Impossible 2 [PG13 2h 6m] If you haven't yet seen this movie go now. I know what's good for you. Don't listen to any other reviews; just go. Starring: Tom Cruise, Ving Rhames, Thandie Newton and Dougray Scott. Directed by: John Woo.

Nurse Betty [R] Woman takes her soap opera obsession to a new level by landing a role. Starring: Renee Zellweger, Morgan Freeman, Chris Rock, Greg Kinnear. Directed by: Neil LaBute.

The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps [PG13 1h 45m] Contrary to all common sense and logic, it's only the poopoo that really shines. Starring: Eddie Murphy, Janet Jackson. Directed by: Peter Segal.

The Original Kings of Comedy [R 2h] Comedians give white people a long overdue tongue lashing. Starring: D. L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer, Steve Harvey. Directed by: Spike Lee.

The Patriot [R 2h 47m] Mel Gibson is the only American with the balls to stand up to the wigwearing British. Starring: Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger. Directed by: Roland Emmerich.

The Perfect Storm [PG13 2h 12m] My first reaction to the movie was, "you dopes, just move and stop fishing before you die." Starring: George Clooney, John C. Reilly and Mark Wahlberg. Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen.

Pokemon the Movie 2000 [G 1h 49m] Well, duh. It's about, like, stuff with, like, those things. Starring: Kids who have indulgent parents. Directed by: Talentless Hack, Jr.

The Replacements [PG13] A football strike means the NFL is taken over by Keanu Reeves and his evil band of strippers. Starring: Gene Hackman, Keanu Reeves. Directed by: Howard Deutch.

Road Trip [R 1h 31m] Tom Green takes his nasty habits on the road. Starring: Breckin Mayer, DJ Qualls, Seann William Scott and Tom Green. Directed by: Todd Phillips.

Rocky Horror Picture Show [R] Let's do the time warp again-- and again -- and again --

Saving Grace [R 1h 34m] Little old British ladies get high on pot. Starring: Brenda Blethyn, Craig Ferguson. Directed by: Nigel Cole.

Scary Movie [R 1h 28m] This movie is scary all right. Scary that someone spent more than $5 to make it. Starring: Jonathan Abrahams, Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth. Directed by: Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Shaft [R 1h 38m] Just looking at the black leather Armani clothes was a dead giveaway that they weren't going to let Shaft go soft. Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Jeffery Wright and Christian Bale. Directed by: John Singleton.

Shanghai Noon [PG13 1h 50m] Jackie Chan does a chopsocky spaghetti western. Starring: Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson and Rafael Baez. Directed by: Tom Dey.

Small Time Crooks [PG 1h 35m] Woody Allen plans the perfect crime by stammering and worrying. Starring: Michael Rapaport, Tracy Ullman, Hugh Grant and Woody Allen. Directed by: Woody Allen.

Space Cowboys [PG13] Fogeys in space! Starring: Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland, James Garner. Directed by: Clint Eastwood.

Sunshine [R 3h] A three-hour movie about a family in Hungary. Starring: Ralph Fiennes and Rosemary Harris. Directed by: Istvan Szabo.

The Specials [R] Remember how funny Mystery Men was? Here we go again. Starring: Rob Lowe, Melissa Joan Hart. Directed by: Craig Mazin.

The Tao of Steve [R 1h 28m] A guy who did all for the nookie, and who tells you where you can take that cookie. Starring: Donal Logue, Greer Goodman. Directed by: Jenniphr Goodman.

Thomas and the Magic Railroad [G 1h 25m] Alec Baldwin and Peter Fonda embarrass themselves in this trippy tyke movie about the little engine that could talk. Starring: Alec Baldwin, John Bellis, Peter Fonda and Mara Wilson. Directed by: Britt Allcroft.

Titan A. E.[ PG 1h 35m] Space cartoon with no Space Ghost. Starring: Matt Damon, Bill Pullman, Hank Azaria and Drew Barrymore. Directed by: Don Bluth and Gary Goldman.

The Watcher [R] Will cops and serial killers ever learn to get along? Starring: James Spader, Keanu Reeves, Marisa Tomei. Directed by: Joe Charbanic.

Way of the Gun [R] Crazy, crazy crime film. Starring: Ryan Phillipe, Benicio Del Toro, Juliette Lewis, Taye Diggs. Directed by: Christopher McQuarrie. What Lies Beneath [PG-13 2h 6m] Your partner is guaranteed to jump into your lap at least four or five times. Starring: Harrison Ford, Michelle Pfeiffer. Directed by: Robert Zemeckis Whipped [R 1h 25m] Three men go after Amanda Peet É only three? Starring: Amanda Peet, Brian Van Holt, Judah Domke. Directed by: Peter M. Cohen.

XMen [PG13 1h 36m] This is a film that was made with a sequel in mind, if not already written. Starring: Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan, Famke Janssen and Halle Berry. Directed by: Bryan Singer.