Volume 2, Issue 18 August 31 - September 13, 2000

DRACULA: A NEW MUSICAL BY DAVID WHITE

Dracula. That intensely sexual, seductively amorous icon of male machismo and magnetism-- the hypnotic set of eyes hidden beneath the silk top hat, the broad shoulders and refined neck subtly shrouded beneath the sweeping cape, elegant hands that coax a slow simmer from the blood of his prey, silent footsteps, lingering fingers, full lips that teasingly reveal the orgasmic crescendo of long white teeth hidden behind them....

Feeling titillated yet? Well forget it. If Anne Rice was ticked off about Tom Cruise being cast as Lestat, then Bram Stoker must be writhing in his grave begging for a battery of stakes to the heart knowing that his masterpiece of erotic horror has been perverted into a trite and shifty musical of little interest with no dynamic energy, sexuality or intensity.

That's right folks, the title says it all, and you may as well just save your money and stop there. I cringed when I read the words 'Dracula' and 'musical' in the same phrase, but I tried to keep a positive attitude, imagining everything from an edgy cacophony of shrill voices to some updated rap version of the Dude himself-- Da Bomb, Da Count, Da Suckmeister. Unfortunately even my most twisted hopes fell short, and what I had to try to sit through was a total dozer with some rotundly comical version of my all-time favorite eternal he-hunk character, Dracula, singing flat melodies with contrived lyrics as if there was something on stage to take seriously.

The characters and plot of the play followed the film Bram Stoker's Dracula almost exactly, but the similarities ended there. Dialogue was wretchedly weak with lines like, "Where have you gone, why have you left me?" "The children of the night, what music they make," and finally, my favorite, "Sleep and dream well." Believe me I tried, but my date wouldn't let me.

Acting technique evaded the stage too, with the lead character's Transylvanian accent floating around as elusive as the wind, wafting in and out of the dialogue like a big fat bat. And let us not forget vocals, being that this is a musical and all. With the singular exception of Lynette Lepire as Mina, vocal quality was weak, inaudible at times, and often off key. Lepire is an outstanding vocalist who tossed out her well-trained voice like a safety net to rescue this show from its own ultimate suicide.

Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. From the start, this theatrical effort had nowhere to go but down, and down it went with an earsplitting splat. By intermission, the only thing left to do was watch the death throes. Somebody needs to get a wooden stake and put this play out of its misery.
F

--Cilicia A. Yakhlef