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Volume 2, Issue 21
September 28 - October 11, 2000 |
The endearing 1997 romantic comedy, Sliding Doors, tastefully skirted some pretty heady ideas surrounding destiny and all of the missed opportunities one encounters in life. The film offers more than just a look at two possible outcomes of a London woman's life. There is Gwenyth Paltrow sporting two different hairstyles/ colors in the lead role of Helen, a reoccurring Monty Python reference, then the intertwining experiences Helen has as the two alternate paths for her life run their courses simultaneously, but there is something else. The undiscerning viewer might not have noticed that it is not really Paltrow in the role of Helen at all. According to the Toxie, from the cult classic, Toxic Avenger, it is his cock playing the part.
Toxie said his member is a deadringer for the waifish actress. Intense exposure to toxic waste as a teenager and a daily breakfast of chemicals have left his balls looking like the now-defunct line of children's toys, Mad Balls (they have faces and everything), and rendered his member a carbon copy of the Academy-Award- winning actress.
More frightening than that, The Toxic Avenger loves Casa Bonita. More frightening than that, Sgt. Kabukiman of N.Y.P.D. said he likes to take boy scouts camping with a fifth of booze and induce pedophilic sex. More frightening than any of this is Terror Firmer, the new release from Troma Team.
I was informed of these nefarious plans harbored by Sgt. Kabukiman, and the maladies suffered by Toxie (not the actual stars of the Troma classics, just Troma representatives in rubber masks) on the movie's opening night, Sept. 15, at the Mayan. They were on hand to help kick off the theatre's "The Mayan Gets Troma-tized" series of midnight movies running weekends through Oct. 7. Future screenings include: Class of Nuke'Em High, Tromeo & Juliet, Surf Nazis Must Die!, Bloodsucking Freaks, The Toxic Avenger, and Sgt. Kabukiman N. Y. P. D.
The slightly intoxicated pair were quizzing the audience on Troma trivia and handing out free Troma shit.
According to the Mayan's theatre manager, Keith Jerome Garcia, however, the following night's screening of Def by Temptation was a little more memorable. "What started as innocent fun turned into terror for one Troma fan," Garcia said in regard to the night's pre-film activities. Apparently Toxie and the Sarge were a bit shit-faced upon arrival, and after a Tromite, who also had a Toxic Avenger mask on, jumped on Toxie's back and, "rode him like a horse," the two super-heroes headed to the main screen to introduce the movie. When it was time to toss out some product, Sgt. Kabukiman reported that he was a little too under the bottle to dredge up any Troma trivia.
A coveted copy of the criticallyacclaimed Tromeo and Juliet was offered to the first person willing to come on stage and bare his or her ass. Garcia said that he didn't think there would be any takers, but five frat boys came out of the audience, jumped up on the stage and mooned the crowd. It was then that Toxie took the handle of his trademark mop and shoved it into one of the contestant's assholes."
"I, of course, felt faint," Garcia said. The violated young buck did limp away with the video. Toxie and Sgt. Kabukiman then tossed a cardboard box full of Troma goods out into the crowd for the eager Tromites to fight over.
Garcia said that in the future, no one will be violated at any midnight screenings. These antics, while vile and debaucherous, are an appropriate representation of Troma's mission in this world.
If you're a Troma fanatic, read All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I learned From The Toxic Avenger, a new book by Troma founder and president, Lloyd Kaufman. It details all of Troma's trials and tribulations in the movie industry and outlines their fervid distaste for mainstream cinema and mainstream behavior for that matter.
The Troma team has been around for 25+ years and is commonly considered the world's first independent film studio. While many of their releases have a high gore/sex/sin content, they are films with heart that dedicated people made with modest means. Their cult success proves that entertaining movies can be made for under $40 million and without Jerry Bruckheimer.
Many budding actors made early career appearances in Troma movies. Kevin Costner, Marisa Tomei, Billy Bob Thorton, Samuel L. Jackson and many others first spread their wings in Troma pictures.
Terror Firmer is loosely adapted from Kaufman's book. It is about the relentless production of a movie despite a string of onset slayings and other setbacks.
"Let's make some art!" Kaufman yells before each take in his role as the film's legally blind director. In a ridiculous, tits-and-ass gory way, this movie is a tribute to (blindly) following your dream at all costs. It also features a 400 pound man being devoured by an escalator and a woman getting her breasts shot off.
In a scheme to bring moviemaking into the public domain, Kaufman and team have created TromaDance. This is Troma's answer to stuffy film festivals like Sundance that aren't really about independent filmmaking. This festival accepts submissions from anybody, and official selections are shown at the event which is free and open to the public. This year was TromaDance's inaugural, and plans for a TromaDance in 2001 are already underway.
Kaufman encourages would-be filmmakers to join the Troma team in an essay posted on www.troma.com, "A Final Report from TromaDance", by Lloyd Kaufman.
So get the fuck out there and make some movies for next year! Grab your
video camera, fire up your computer, draw a flip-book animation on some toilet
paper. Hell, your senile old grandparents might even have an old Super-8 camera
(you know, the kind that uses actual film) that you can snatch while they're busy
changing each other's adult undergarments.
"Lets make some art!"
--Josh Tyson
Woman On Top is a romantic story about food, voodoo, love and motion sickness. Normally these topics would make for a good movie. What is wrong with Hollywood? Why did they think they could pull off another "girl meets boy," "boy gets girl," "boy fucks up; loses girl," "girl moves in with drag queen" story? Did the writer think the BAD Brazilian accents would help disguise this very very tired plot line? I want to know who took the time off from producing Pauly Shore movies to produce this piece of caca.
The story opens with a Latin-American once-upon-a-time type narration, setting up the story of Isabella (Penélope Cruz)-a beautiful baby born cursed. Cursed with what you ask? Cancer? A clubbed foot? Hemorrhoids? No. None of the above. Instead she's cursed with, of all things, motion sickness. Oh my god, a baby that pukes! I imagine that in the sequel they're going to have a baby that cries and craps its diapers. The movie continues on with the little Isabella growing up (very nicely I might add) and dealing with her handicap by learning how to cook.
Needless to say she becomes a great chef , but, alas, every great chef needs a job. In her job search she meets restaurant owner Toninho (Murilo Benicio) and falls madly in love. The couple soon marries, and of course she gets the job.
Even with her handicap, Toninho loves Isabella (it doesn't hurt that she is hotter than a five peso VCR). But being the insensitive lout that he (Benicio) is, he keeps her slaving back in the kitchen while he entertains the patrons. Poor Izzy feels left out and sad. This is only aggravated more by her need to be in control. You see, if she is in control of her own motion, she doesn't get sick. In the car, she drives. When they dance, she leads. And when they do the La Bamba, she's on top. Just once, Toninho would like to drive (if you know what I mean). Only one problem -- he gets caught with his chorizo in the wrong salsa.
You know the old saying: "Hell hath no
fury like a woman scorned." Someone
should have translated it into
Brazilian-- this might have been a
decent movie if she had superglued
his dick to his belly or at the very
least boned all his friends. This is
where the movie gets even more predictable
with Izzy taking off to live in
America with childhood drag queen
friend, Monica (Harold Perrineau,
Jr.). This movie was about as bad as
they get (but it was still better that
Next Friday). It's only saving grace
was that I got to stare at Penélope
Cruz for an hour and fifty minutes.
Guys, if it's her turn to pick the flick,
you could do worse. I think Winona
Ryder is doing another movie soon. D---
Jack Cash
Alice et Martin [R 2h 3m] Pregnant French girl suddenly finds out stuff about her boyfriend. Starring: Juliet Binoche, Alexis Loret. Directed by: Andre Techine.
Almost Famous [R] Instead of going to summer camp, a young boy goes on tour with a rock band. Starring: Billy Crudup, Kate Hudson, Patrick Fugit, Frances McDormand. Directed by: Cameron Crowe.
Art of War [R] Spy has to fight to survive using special stunts ripped off from The Matrix. Starring: Wesley Snipes, Anne Archer. Directed by: Christian Duguay.
Autumn in New York [PG13 1h 44m] Another ancient flabby man gets a nice piece of ass. Starring: Richard Gere, Winona Ryder. Directed by: Joan Chen.
Big Momma's House [PG13 1h 45m] Martin Lawrence is a bigger, blacker Mrs. Doubtfire. Starring: Martin Lawrence, Nia Long and Paul Giamatti. Directed by: Raja Gosnell.
Bait Stupid crook wins everybody's heart by being stupid. Starring: Jamie Foxx, Kimberly Elise, David Morse, Doug Hutchison. Directed by: Jason Fuchs.
Big Momma's House [PG-13 1h 45m] Martin Lawrence is a bigger, blacker Mrs. Doubtfire. Starring: Martin Lawrence, Nia Long and Paul Giamatti. Directed by: Raja Gosnell.
Bless the Child [R 1h 50m] Those wacky Satanic cults are out kidnapping little psychic girls again. Starring: Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits, Christina Ricci. Directed by: Chuck Russell.
Bring It On [PG13 1h 32m] Cheerleaders fight to the death in bikinis! Only without the death. Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Gabrielle Union, Jesse Bradford. Directed by: Peyton Reed.
But I'm A Cheerleader [R 1h 21m] Sounds preposterous, and it is, but the film absolutely recognizes this, which makes it a damn funny picture. Starring: Clea Duvall, Natasha Lyonne. Directed by: Jamie Babbit.
Butterfly [R 1h 35m] It's one of those foreign movies that starts on the cusp of civil war with an old man and a young boy. Starring: Uxia Blanco, Manuel Lozano and Fernando Fernan Gomez. Directed by: Jose Luis Cuerda.
The Cell [R 1h 47m] When you get into a serial killer's head, it's like What Dreams May Come, if that movie was made by Satan. Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Vince Vaughan. Directed by: Tarsem.
Center Stage [PG13 1h 56m] Girl finds Fame in a Footloose and Flashdance way. Starring: Amanda Schull and Peter Gallagher. Directed by: Nicholas Hytner.
Chicken Run [PG 1h 25m] I'll never order my breaded grilled chicken sandwich again without thinking of little hunks of clay with British accents. Starring: Mel Gibson, Julia Sawahla and Miranda Richardson. Directed by: Nick Park and Peter Lord.
Coyote Ugly [PG13 1h 26m] Strippers who don't take off their clothes. Starring: Piper Perabo, Maria Bello, Tyra Banks, John Goodman. Directed by: David McNally.
The Crew [PG13 1h 28m] Grumpy old mafia men. Starring: Burt Reynolds, Richard Dreyfuss. Directed by: Michael Dinner.
Dinosaur [PG 1h 22m] The dialogue in this movie is about as good as a super-serious Saved By the Bell episode. Directed by: Eric Leighton and Ralph Zondag.
The Five Senses [R 1h 45m] Sex, one sense at a time. Starring: Philippe Volter, Gabriellle Rose, Mary Louise Parker and Daniel Maclvor. Directed by: Jeremy Podeswa. Exorcist-- The Version You've Never Seen [R] Don't be fooled by the long title-- it's just the original with eleven more minutes added on. Starring: Linda Blair. Directed by: William Friedkin.
Fantasia 2000 [G 1h 15m] Dancing flamingos, Noah's duck, flying whales, and other fun things to watch on acid. Starring: James Earl Jones, Quincy Jones and Angela Lansbury. Directed by: James Algar.
Frequency [PG-13 1h 47m] Father and son use short wave radios to speak to each other Starring: Dennis Quaid, Jim Caviezel and Andre Braugher. Directed by: Gregory Hoblit.
Girl on the Bridge [R 1h 30m] French love stories go over so much better when there are knives being thrown around. Starring: Daniel Auteuil, Vanessa Paradis. Directed by: Patrice Leconte.
Gladiator [R 2h 30m] Romans, Christians, lions, thumbs, little metal skirts. Starring: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, Richard Harris and Djimon Hounsou. Directed by: Ridley Scott.
Godzilla 2000 [PG 1h 37m] What the hell do you think it's about? Starring: Godzilla. Directed by: Takao Okarawa.
Highlander: Endgame [R] There can only be one my ass. Starring: Christopher Lambert, Adrian Paul. Directed by: Douglas Aarniokoski.
Hollow Man [R 1h 45m] An invisible man goes crazy just because he can. Starring: Kevin Bacon, Elizabeth Shue. Directed by: Paul Verhoeven
The Kid [PG 1h 44m] Bruce Willis has an inner child that's fat and annoying. Starring: Bruce Willis, Lily Tomlin and Spencer Breslin. Directed by: Jon Turteltaub.
Me, Myself, and Irene [R 1h 56m] Jim Carrey and the Farrelly brothers explore the softer side of paranoid schizophrenia. Starring: Jim Carrey and Renee Zellweger. Directed by: Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly.
Mission: Impossible 2 [PG13 2h 6m] If you haven't yet seen this movie go now. I know what's good for you. Don't listen to any other reviews; just go. Starring: Tom Cruise, Ving Rhames, Thandie Newton and Dougray Scott. Directed by: John Woo.
Nurse Betty [R] Woman takes her soap opera obsession to a new level by landing a role. Starring: Renee Zellweger, Morgan Freeman, Chris Rock, Greg Kinnear. Directed by: Neil LaBute.
The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps [PG13 1h 45m] Contrary to all common sense and logic, it's only the poopoo that really shines. Starring: Eddie Murphy, Janet Jackson. Directed by: Peter Segal.
The Original Kings of Comedy [R 2h] Comedians give white people a long overdue tongue lashing. Starring: D. L. Hughley, Cedric the Entertainer, Steve Harvey. Directed by: Spike Lee.
The Patriot [R 2h 47m] Mel Gibson is the only American with the balls to stand up to the wigwearing British. Starring: Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger. Directed by: Roland Emmerich.
The Perfect Storm [PG13 2h 12m] My first reaction to the movie was, "you dopes, just move and stop fishing before you die." Starring: George Clooney, John C. Reilly and Mark Wahlberg. Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen.
Pokemon the Movie 2000 [G 1h 49m] Well, duh. It's about, like, stuff with, like, those things. Starring: Kids who have indulgent parents. Directed by: Talentless Hack, Jr.
The Replacements [PG13] A football strike means the NFL is taken over by Keanu Reeves and his evil band of strippers. Starring: Gene Hackman, Keanu Reeves. Directed by: Howard Deutch.
Road Trip [R 1h 31m] Tom Green takes his nasty habits on the road. Starring: Breckin Mayer, DJ Qualls, Seann William Scott and Tom Green. Directed by: Todd Phillips.
Rocky Horror Picture Show [R] Let's do the time warp again-- and again -- and again --
Saving Grace [R 1h 34m] Little old British ladies get high on pot. Starring: Brenda Blethyn, Craig Ferguson. Directed by: Nigel Cole.
Scary Movie [R 1h 28m] This movie is scary all right. Scary that someone spent more than $5 to make it. Starring: Jonathan Abrahams, Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth. Directed by: Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Shaft [R 1h 38m] Just looking at the black leather Armani clothes was a dead giveaway that they weren't going to let Shaft go soft. Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Jeffery Wright and Christian Bale. Directed by: John Singleton.
Shanghai Noon [PG13 1h 50m] Jackie Chan does a chopsocky spaghetti western. Starring: Jackie Chan, Owen Wilson and Rafael Baez. Directed by: Tom Dey.
Small Time Crooks [PG 1h 35m] Woody Allen plans the perfect crime by stammering and worrying. Starring: Michael Rapaport, Tracy Ullman, Hugh Grant and Woody Allen. Directed by: Woody Allen.
Space Cowboys [PG13] Fogeys in space! Starring: Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland, James Garner. Directed by: Clint Eastwood.
Sunshine [R 3h] A three-hour movie about a family in Hungary. Starring: Ralph Fiennes and Rosemary Harris. Directed by: Istvan Szabo.
The Specials [R] Remember how funny Mystery Men was? Here we go again. Starring: Rob Lowe, Melissa Joan Hart. Directed by: Craig Mazin.
The Tao of Steve [R 1h 28m] A guy who did all for the nookie, and who tells you where you can take that cookie. Starring: Donal Logue, Greer Goodman. Directed by: Jenniphr Goodman.
Thomas and the Magic Railroad [G 1h 25m] Alec Baldwin and Peter Fonda embarrass themselves in this trippy tyke movie about the little engine that could talk. Starring: Alec Baldwin, John Bellis, Peter Fonda and Mara Wilson. Directed by: Britt Allcroft.
Titan A. E.[ PG 1h 35m] Space cartoon with no Space Ghost. Starring: Matt Damon, Bill Pullman, Hank Azaria and Drew Barrymore. Directed by: Don Bluth and Gary Goldman.
The Watcher [R] Will cops and serial killers ever learn to get along? Starring: James Spader, Keanu Reeves, Marisa Tomei. Directed by: Joe Charbanic.
Way of the Gun [R] Crazy, crazy crime film. Starring: Ryan Phillipe, Benicio Del Toro, Juliette Lewis, Taye Diggs. Directed by: Christopher McQuarrie. What Lies Beneath [PG-13 2h 6m] Your partner is guaranteed to jump into your lap at least four or five times. Starring: Harrison Ford, Michelle Pfeiffer. Directed by: Robert Zemeckis Whipped [R 1h 25m] Three men go after Amanda Peet-- only three? Starring: Amanda Peet, Brian Van Holt, Judah Domke. Directed by: Peter M. Cohen.
XMen [PG13 1h 36m] This is a film that was made with a sequel in mind, if not already written. Starring: Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellan, Famke Janssen and Halle Berry. Directed by: Bryan Singer.
