THE XFL

New sports leagues generally have the same survival rate as sitcoms on UPN-- they're guaranteed to last a year, but after three years they face certain extinction. Why, in a country and a world as sports crazy as this one, is it so hard to break the league monopoly? The answer is actually quite simple. These days, the lifeblood of sports is television. Without consistent televised coverage, a sport simply can't exist. On the other hand, with the right promotional backing and a decent time slot, even the most inane sports can succeed (witness the X-Games on ESPN).

When Vince McMahon (of World Wrestling Federation shame) and Ted Turner (you know, the guy from Atlanta) decided to start a football league, nearly everybody in the country laughed. When NBC (and, incidentally, UPN) got behind the idea, however, you can bet football fans and the NFL sat up and took notice.

The XFL debuted wrapped in as much pomp and circumstance as one would expect from the popularizer of modern 'professional' wrestling and the guy who decided colorizing old movies was a good idea. The debut game (Las Vegas Outlaws hosting New York/ New Jersey Hitmen) received the royal treatment of big-mouths, with McMahon announcing the league's birth on field and Jesse "The Governor" Ventura doing color commentary (doesn't he have a state to run?). Probing a little under the hype, however, there were several legitimate reasons for football fans to get excited about this bastard league.

The Rules: Dick Butkus, as commissioner of competition or some such nonsense, has invented a few interesting twists, which really do put some of the fun back in the game. The league has touted the 'no fair catch' rule in promotional spots as a return to the brutality of the original game, but the most interesting twists are the elimination of the point-after field goal (you must score a 2 1/ 2 yard touchdown after a score, and it's only worth one point), and the pre-game scramble, in which two players are made to chase down a football in lieu of a coin toss.

The Televising: Because the XFL was created first and foremost as a televised sport, cameras are allowed everywhere, and annoying sideline reporters have free reign. There are even reports from the locker room during halftime. Everything is mikedÑ pads, players, coaches, cheerleaders, fans ... everything.

The Players: Aside from a few NFL rejects, the teams are composed of mostly unwanted college football graduates who still play the scrappy, improvised football of the college leagues. Additionally, they get a monetary bonus for each win, putting a little extra juice under their pads.

All these changes make the XFL sound, on paper, more exciting than the NFL. Indeed, if the XFL can pull off its promise, it could become a viable, long-running competitor to the senior league. But, as any wide receiver will tell you in an innocuous post-game interview, execution is everything.

The over-abundance of microphones on the field lends the game a dizzying, washed-out effect. Even on NBC, where the staff is veteran enough to handle complicated big-game sporting events, all the sound and video switches resulted in some amusing glitches (blank green screens, crowd chatter overwhelming the announcers, dead audio spots, uncensored swear words). Taking 'advantage' of the all-access pass on field, the XFL added an "X-Cam" strung above the center of the playing field. The main angle for active plays came from the X-Cam (as opposed to the NFL's traditional high sideline camera). Maybe it just takes some getting used to, but watching football from behind the offensive line reveals more about the tackles' asses than the action of the play.

Sideline reporters getting the run of the field doesn't help either. By being able to interview players immediately after they make a good play, we discover what we suspected all along: football players do not make good football analysts, especially when they're out of breath. The cameras in the locker room at halftime only serve to shatter the myth that all football coaches are great motivational speakers. After the announcers built up hype on coach Rusty Tillman's expected halftime chew out of his pathetic Hitmen, all we heard was, "I've been nice to you guys, haven't I?" He sounded more like a needy son than an angry football coach. Any Given Sunday this ain't.

The play itself is sloppy, but quick. Sloppy play in itself is not a killer: more wild breakout plays tend to happen with less-than-great players on the field. The choices for franchise locations were fairly shrewd as well: Birmingham, Memphis, Las Vegas, and Orlando have all recently petitioned the NFL for a franchise and lost; Los Angeles, since the OJ trial, has had no NFL franchise; Chicago, New York, and San Francisco are the three biggest sports markets outside of LA in the country. It seems half the league is geared toward hometown support, while the other half concentrates on television viewers. The minds behind this know what they're doing.

Oh, and the cheerleaders are all hand-picked strippers. Yes, the minds behind this definitely know what they're doing.

Unless... We all know that wrestling is fixed, right? Well, call me a big cynic, but I'm wondering if Mr. McMahon might not be tempted to pull the same stunt with the XFL. After hearing his speech on opening day (basically a glorified tribute to the city of Las Vegas) and seeing the heavily favored Hitmen go down 19-0, it seemed that something was rotten in the state of Nevada. Sure, the odds makers had nothing to go on but rosters, and sure, the home team usually wins on opening day, but still ... I wouldn't put it past McMahon to fix even one game a week, and if it got out, the XFL's credibility would tank.

Not that credibility is everything. Keep in mind the WWF is one of the most lucrative sports in the world. It would just be a shame to watch an already lowbrow second-tier league become a colossal joke to everyone but rednecks in Stone Cold Steve Austin sweatpants. The sport of football needed a little kickstart, and the XFL just might be the league to do it.

STILL SLAMMING

Dear Editor:
I'm writing in response to a response to a response to an article on the Denver Slam (is this starting to sound rather silly to anyone else?). I was on the Denver Slam Team with Andrea Moore, and she and I have been corresponding over the whole "title" controversy that began two issues ago. And I just had to say something when I saw the latest editor's note [Volume 3 Issue 3] on the topic, because I honestly don't think the matter is worth a permanent rift between the Mercury Cafe and your magazine.

Poetry slams, in their very nature, attract competitive people ... admittedly, sometimes too competitive. The fact is, for some slammers, poetry is what they do ... poetry is all they do. And for folks who were never good at sports, music, etc., the slam is a chance to "strut their stuff" in a more challenging venue than your weekly coffee house rambles (which are highly worthwhile in their own right). As a result, you do end up with people for whom the slam and its "titles" are extremely important. Is it mature? Not really. Graceful? Nope. But there it is. Also, the slam is only two years old in Denver; some skins need to thicken.

Anyway, the slammers only make up a very small percentage of the poetry crowd at the Merc. The people who sent you these acidic letters make up an even smaller percent. Your average Merc poet isn't hung up on titles, so please don't involve the innocent in what has become a really goofy argument. --Kate Makkai, poetry junkie

CORRECTIONS

Our last issue Volume 3 Issue 3 had a few slip-ups that bear correcting. First, in "Fashion Clip" a style is referred to as SoHo-sheik, which would imply clothing of mixed Arabian/Greenwich Village origins. The phrase should have read SoHo-chic. In "Film Notes," nGoMa is referred to as a venue. As popular as Reese and Dap have become of late, the rap duo still does not qualify under zoning law as a concert venue. Finally, in Bobby's Tattooed Food Critic column, the word "DEEECAFFF" clearly had too many E's and F's, probably a result of too much coffee. We regret the errors, but not the coffee.

--Chris J. Magyar