IS IT IN YET?

Dear Stephanie,

What do you think that most women consider to be too small? Have you ever turned a guy down because of the size of his penis? And, do you think that most women are really size queens?
Mr. Not So Happy

Dear Mr. Not So Happy,
I just happened to be sitting in a room full of women when I received your e-mail and thought I would address the question to everyone. There's no better way to help some poor, size-challenged man with this sort of dilemma than to turn him over to the girls. Women in their sexual prime are always ready and willing to tackle any kind of penis questions, especially those concerning size.

"Don't you get at least ten different versions of the same question every week?" one of them asked.

"Well ... actually, yes."

"God, men sure are obsessed with their dick size!" another said.

And then it hit me. All these men out there freaking and worrying about if women are all "Size Queens," when in reality, it is the men who are the "Size Kings." Face it boys, it means a whole hell of a lot more to you than it does to us.

Now, don't get me wrong, women do care. Just not in an obsessive, narcissistic way. I have to admit, there's something exciting about reaching down a man's pants for the first time and finding a more than generous amount of hunka-hunka burning love. But soon after that, the novelty wears off. So, in order to keep our interest our man must have other redeeming qualities. This is where the men who are so impressed with their overabundance of manly package often mess up. It seems they are so consumed with adoring their cocks that they neglect other facets of themselves--you know, those insignificant things like their personality or social graces. Yes, we are appreciative of the morning after, awkward walk resembling that of a cowgirl with a mechanical bull for a boyfriend.

Sometimes we even enjoy having to ice our nether regions after an all night encounter, but we don't live for it. And, from my experience, I have found that a good number of men with the big ones are so damn proud of their slabs they feel the need to play show-and-tell with every woman they meet. I even knew one guy who made up a song about his grandiose groin and would strum the guitar and serenade us with the unbearable lyrics. Thus came my first ever pair of earplugs.

When you asked, "What is too small?" once again I polled the room and most agreed that anything under four inches can be difficult to work with. And it was unanimous that girth is tremendously more important than length; in fact, all of us would rather have a short fatty than a long skinny. However, there is one real benefit to having a size-impaired member, and that is the amazing blow jobs. I imagine it must feel great to be able to put the entire thing in someone's mouth and, believe me, your long schlong brothers will never know this thrill. I had a male friend a few years back who was quite open about the fact that his dick was barely bigger than his thumb, and his famous quote after nailing someone was always:

"Well, at least I can get the whole thing in. I'd hate to be going at it doggy style and not be able to slam it in as hard as I want to."

And he meant it. Attitude is everything. I have never turned a guy down because of the size of his penis, but it just might keep me from going back for seconds. I do have a story about a man I should have turned down, not just because of size, although that was a big (or should I say not so big) part of it. This happened more than five years ago, and on occasion my friends still tease me about it. I call him The Vibrating Man and my experience with him was, by far, the worst sex I, or probably anyone alive, has ever known. From the moment we started kissing, or better stated, the moment he began to swallow my face and lick me from ear to ear, I wondered if this guy had any sexual experience at all. Soon, the answer was painfully revealed when, instead of rhythmically rocking my world, he violently vibrated me off my bed. It was so hideous I had to put an end to the misery about five minutes into it and send him on his not-so-merry little way. Yes, size was a factor. It was so small that all that vibration made it difficult for him to even stay in. But, even if he had the most impressive dick around, his motion would still be enough to make anyone sea sick.

My advice to you is to stop worrying about it so much. Insecurity shows, even if you aren't saying anything. Feel good about the body you have and realize that there is a lot more to sex than penetration. Most women I know would rather have an oral orgasm, so if you haven't already done this, then starting right now, I want you to learn how to go down like a lesbian. If you develop your other sexual skills to perfection, and make sure you have a woman screaming before you even think of putting your Mr. Not-So-Happy anywhere near her, you will win her over. If you still need more to keep her satisfied, remember, sex toys are your friends. Go out and get yourself a drawer-full of them. A woman who loves good sex will always appreciate a well-prepared man.

E-mail your sex and relationship problems to Stephanie at sirenweb@aol.com