WIMMEN AND HOS

Dear Stephanie,
I am sick of wimmen today. I think that most of them are deadbeat manipulative gold diggers. Not to mention all the hairy legged, semi-lesbian, feminist cult, dope taking, angry, future-child-support-queen- wannabes. In fact, they are a dime a dozen. Men want honest decent ladies who know how to make them feel good. Not a bunch of male-bashing, new age con artists. It is so sick of them. And then they sit around and wonder where all the "good men" are. Wimmen are the new abusers and yet men do not have any shelters to seek a safe haven for themselves and their children against the deadbeat abusive manipulative users. It's so unfair. The feminist victim wannabe cults have brainwashed the wimmen of our society and this conspiracy must be stopped. How will I ever find someone to marry and have children with? --Patriarchy Blues

Dear Patriarchy Blues,
You will never find anyone to spend your life with, at least not anyone who has any self confidence. Your problem is not feminist gold diggers; in fact, true feminists like to pay their own way. Your problem is you are a misogynist, and it sounds to me like you are the brainwashed one. Do you feel gypped at not getting the "little woman" you thought you were guaranteed from your "Father Knows Best" upbringing? Did your dad show you how it's done? Was your mother a miserable servant? You poor thing, struggling through life with no logic or empathy, ranting about "those cursed wimmen" all the way. I'm surprised you are even interested in having children ... what if you end up with a daughter? How could you handle supporting a future semi-lesbian, feminist cult, dope taking, angry, manipulative woman? And what if this unfortunate future-spawn doesn't like to shave her legs? Will you beat her for it? How hairy is your back? I feel that anyone who believes half the world's population is involved in a conspiracy is of extremely low intelligence and should avoid procreation altogether. Please get neutered!

Would you men please make up your minds? Do you or don't you want gold diggers? Read below for a completely different point of view...

Dear Stephanie,
I seem to have it all. More money than I can possibly spend and looks to kill. I am 30 years old and a workout nut. All that, as we know, does not guarantee happiness. I find myself looking for someone who is sexually uninhibited. While searching, though, I seem to apply all the requirements that bring home a sexual loser. I was hoping to first find the "bring home to mom" traits and hope that the sexual stuff would also be present. I am tired of that route. I am much more interested today in starting with someone who is hot in the sack, putting all else second. What I welcome is a gold digger who simply wants to fuck. Every which way. I will let love take care of itself. Where do I start?
--Mr. Stiffie

Dear Mr. Stiffie,
Sounds to me like you are a Buy-Sexual, and the best route for you is the illegal exchange of legal tender for sex services. Your job is to find the perfect ho, who not only looks good, but also performs exactly as you like. This is where comparison shopping experience comes in handy. You will need to be able to tell who the more qualified ones are by their voice over the phone, or else you will incur incredible expense having them come to your door for a face-to-face interview. Some of them don't always describe themselves in an honest and accurate way. Even though they say it, not all of them will be 36-24- 36 with a masters in sexual psychology. Here are some of the important things to ask during your phone examination...

• " Do you have all of your teeth?" (Although those of the toothless variety might give better head.)

• " Do you know what safe sex is?" (If their answer is a padded head-board, you could be in trouble.)

• " Will you submit to a STD test?"

• " Can you do the splits?"

• " Can you hold your breath for long periods of time?"

• " Will you take a check?"

• " Do you spit or swallow?"

• " Do you offer full service?" (or is it a self-serve pump?)

• " Were you born a woman?"

After you find someone who qualifies, you need to give her a good test run. Does she have endurance? Is she well lubed? How about her re-sale value? You never know when you want to trade her in on a newer model! In fact, that's one of the benefits to being a buy-sexual, you can have all the variety you like. And instead of having to cuddle and chat after the services are rendered, you can send her on her way. Just tell her, "There's cab fare on the dresser and would you make me a sandwich on your way out?"

Speaking of hos ... I don't want to sound like a pitch whore, but since this is the Yearbook, I thought I would like to add my million bucks worth! (My opinions are never of the two cents variety.) Below is a small list of my favorite places, and of those who have been kind to me in the last year....

Restaurants: By far the best Denver restaurant I have found is Vesta, and this is coming from someone who eats out for every meal. There is also a place in Lakewood called Pad Thai that blows away all other Thai restaurants. Finally for Mexican food there is no other like La Cueva in Aurora.

Massage: I would also like to make mention of Izba Spa, a Russian Banya Spa where men with accents rub me as hard as I like, which is pretty hard. I have another great therapist named Mimi Hartgrove who is incredibly wonderful at massage and energy work.

Clothes: Special thanks to Exotic Elegance for all my "get it girl" wear. To Arden B. in the Cherry Creek Mall for my best daytime looks. And to BEBE, also in the Cherry Creek Mall, for the best clothes to wear on dates.

And speaking of dates, I would personally like to thank Table For Two dating service for their kind and generous contributions to an otherwise dateless year.