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Dear Stephanie,
I have a serious problem with my boyfriend in the spunk department. To get right to the point, he tastes worse than anything my poor mouth has ever experienced. It is rank and stale and goes from disgusting to totally gagging depending on the day. I am not sure what would cause such a thing, and as an experienced swallower, I have to say that I am dumbfounded. Do you know if this is a diet thing or if it means he's unhealthy or just plain gross? I haven't told him how I feel yet, but it really makes me want to keep his dick as far away from my mouth as possible!
--Puke Breath

Dear Puke Breath,
I did a little poking around on the whole ejaculate flavor issue and that juicy "stale semen" sideline. First of all, there seems to be a stunningly contradictory range of opinions as to whether dietary changes actually make a difference in flavor. I repeatedly found the infamous "no scientific evidence" statement which simply means that no one in a white coat fed men different suspect foods and then, after a healthy circle jerk, collected said output (a.k.a. spunk) and with a bib and spoon sampled the many nuances of taste.

There did seem to be a general agreement on specific types of foods....

Asparagus is a definite no-no; all the articles I found made mention of that. Some of the others to avoid are cruciferous veggies, garlic, and onion. I discovered in several places that dairy products have a really yucky (that's a technical term, you know) effect. So, it's not necessarily true that milk drinkers make better lovers-- at least not when it comes to oral. There was another place that included meat and fish on the avoid list, claiming they give semen somewhat of a buttery flavor. Can someone pass me a muffin?

Now, as to the foods having a much more positive effect, pineapple was way up there on everyone's list. Also, any diet high in fruits is preferable, especially kiwi, pineapple and watermelon. A couple of lists included celery and, interestingly enough, beer. And come to think of it, if you drink enough beer yourself, his funky spunk may not bother you as much.

I also came across something about exercise I thought was interesting. There was a doctor who stated that semen is full of lactic acid. And as most of you know, working out raises lactic acid levels ... so just imagine what all that pumping of iron does to what you will be pumping out of him later! That's right: pungent and bitter semen. Add a generous serving of sweat to the mixture and it makes lesbianism sound very inviting.

I even found a company who has done "extensive research" (I wonder if it included the bibs and spoons) and has developed an "all natural" product for men to take in powder form. Mix it with your favorite juice and miraculously enough, funky spunk becomes yummy cum. The stuff costs about $60 a month and they're supposed to take it every day. I guess that assumes they're getting oral on a daily basis. And apparently, just like spray-on hair and pet rocks, there must be a market for it.

Here is an idea for you to make the situation much more bearable. The next time you are giving him head, pop an Altoid in your mouth. Not only will the mint give you a wonderful and fresh taste, it will deliver him unbelievable tingles. Guys love it and so will you when the moment of truth arrives and that hideous taste is camouflaged with curiously strong peppermint.

Dear Stephanie,
I am wondering if there is a good way to propose anal sex to a girl who really never thought of doing such a deed. I am not small, but I am not packing like a porn-star either, and the rear entry feels a lot better. Is there a way to ease my girl into this without seeming too persistent and nagging?
--All Nighter

Dear All Nighter,
The best way to ease her into it is by starting with just your fingers. Maybe during oral sex you can slide your pinkie there very slowly and see how she responds to it. If it seems like she likes it, then proceed with your index finger. Leave it at that. Then the next time you can be a little more intense. Each time focus on that area more and more until you think she will find it no big deal to take it to the next level. But, don't completely expect her to want to be an up-the-butt girl. Many like a little finger play, but don't want Mr. Fatty anywhere near it. If she says no, then respect that and realize that just because you think rear entry feels a lot better, we don't!

Send your questions and problems to the goddess at sirenweb@aol.com