One Last Thing

Prospective "The Real World" Cast Member Questionnaire

Andrew Wells

1. On a scale of 1-5, how easy am I to stereotype?
"1" being completely ambiguous and "5" being a current or aspiring member of a Greek fraternity.
a. 2
b. 3
c. 4
d. 5

2. I would be most able to be myself and act naturally in the following situation:
a. Having a quiet, heartfelt conversation with a confidante over coffee.
b. A blind date.
c. A blind date with the daughter of my motherÕs minister.
d. A tax audit.

3.You have just been reprimanded by your shift supervisor at Silly SantiagoÕs Fish Tacos for pouring inedible grease on a gas stove. You did this, by your own admission, because you were, Òlike, bored and curious, you know?Ó Your supervisor must have chided you because:
a. You were stupid.
b. Your supervisor hates neo-druids like yourself.
c. Your supervisor canÕt stand not being the center of attention, even during a grease fire.
d. Your supervisor wonÕt face the real issue here, which youÕre not even going to mention until he has the courage to admit it to himself.

4. Which of following situations would be, for you, an Òexistential awakeningÓ that would add invaluable Òlife experienceÓ to the already rich and hard-wrought tapestry that is your 22-year suburban existence?
a. A Jaegermeister binge ending with a stomach pump at the ER.
b. Jet-skiing, dolphin riding and coconut husking on St. BartÕs.
c. Driving a new, lime green Volkswagen Turbo Beetle.
d. None of the above.

5. What is the meaning of Andy WarholÕs adage that, ÒIn the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutesÓ?
a. A prescient, anecdotal insight by a talented eccentric.
b. Words to live by. In fact, you have them branded on your forearms.

6. On average, how long does it take you to find a soul mate?
a. You would feel lucky to be under that delusion for one fleeting moment in your life.
b. 2-4 marriages.
c. Before the first commercial break of the premiere episode.

7. Personal privacy and dignity are to you:
a. Invaluable, fragile assets.
b. Something you read about in the new Dr. Laura book.
c. Suffocating impediments that should be torn off and flung away like the coveralls of a Chernobyl core-monitoring technician.

8. Lyme disease is which of the following;
a. A bacterial infection transmitted from deer ticks to people, characterized by skin rash, flu-like symptoms and joint inflammation.
b. A catchall term for spates of mania and dementia, the likes of which would startle a gas-huffing Dennis Hopper.

9. In the blank space below, share a few of your more amusing foibles and endearing eccentricities. These can include, but are not limited to brazen ignorance, a penchant for mail fraud, unmitigated bigotry, an Oedipus complex, an aversion to general hygiene, pathological exhibitionism, chain smoking, racial hypersensitivity or membership in the Republican Party.

10. Would you drink coffee if the only receptacles available were jumbo-sized, pastel Friends-style latte mugs?
a. "Yes."
b. "No."
c. "Rachael's or Phoebe's?"

11. Puck.
a. I hate Puck.
b. Wherefore Puck?
c. Yeah dude, Puck!!!

12 What would be your threshold for participation in "The Real World"-related activities after your season is over?
a. A "The Real World" reunion
b. A "The Real World vs. Road Rules Xtreme" bungee bear baiting/swamp buggy tractor pull competition.
c. Color commentary and diagramming for two seasons of "The Real World" reruns.
d. Cameo appearances on the television specials such as "The Making of The Real World Say What? Karaoke Baja Spring Break Uncensored."

Points Key

a. 2
b. 3
c. 4
d. 5

a. 1
b. 3
c. 4
d. 5

a. 0
b. 3 c. 3 d. 3

a. 4
b. 3
c. 3
d. 1

a. 1
b. 5

a. 1
b. 2
c. 4

a. -2
b. 2
c. 4

a. 2
b. 4

5 points for any characteristic that would help you fit in any of the following environs; the National Security Agency, the waiting room of a pet psychic, a Charles Manson parole hearing, a sober conga line, a Marine barracks, the Jenni Jones studio audience or a books-on-tape store.

a. 2
b. -1
c. 1

a. 4
b. 4
c. 4

a. 1
b. 4
c. 3
d. 2

Scores

10-15 points: You don't pay money to view movie sequels, whatever issues you have with your parents have been resolved or disregarded, and you'd never permit a video crew to tape your id at its worst.

15-30 points: You have felt that you have learned a life lesson from at least one "90210" episode, you hope your kids will be as cool you are, but you're at best a secondary cast member or an embittered production assistant.

30-49 points: You're convinced that the world owes you, and unfamiliar flavors of Ben and Jerry's make you feel like a dolphin caught in a gill net. You're unstable. You're confused. You're on the short list as the cast member who says "and start getting real" during opening credits.

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