One Last Thing

Andrew Wells

BREEZE THE DAY

FEELING FINE ABOUT WASTING TIME

Do you waste time, "blow stuff off," or leave tasks to the last minute? Procrastination knows no racial, economic or social boundaries. It is a behavior found throughout our society, and that's okay. Here's why.

Sex comes, first and foremost, to mind. Getting finished with sex in no time is not only undesirable, it's a medical dysfunction. Seminars, meditation techniques and ointments with active ingredients like Sumatran rhino cuticle and gila monster froth are all lucrative enterprises. This is because getting off is all about putting off the inevitable until the very ... last ... second. The cars, the clothes, the leisure activities, the stuff we get to work on time for, are all about endowing us with the desirability to get laid, an activity that should have nothing to do with timeliness. This is an actual example of irony. Flies in chardonnay and rain on wedding days are mere unfortunate happenstance.

Think in terms of cologne and perfume. Dreamer. Forever. Eternity. Efficiency? There is nothing sexy about punctual diligence.

One reason why Sting can have a three hour orgasm is that he afford to set aside three hours for an orgasm.

Sample Sting Daily Schedule
9 am Yoga with Yogi
11 am Studio practice with band
2:30 pm Lunch with Elton
3 pm Quality time with the Mrs.
5 pm Orgasm
8:30 pm Zapatista benefit dinner

It is clear that those with free time get more and better playtime. If a workaholic associate is making a swift ascent up the corporate ladder, it's unlikely the reason is supply room bam-bam with the boss. If you're thinking this line of reasoning seems flimsy, please stop. Instead, just think how funny an idiom "bam-bam" is for sex. Bam-bam. Timeless. I do own Clerks.

Taking your goddamn sweet-ass time isn't just about sex. Assignments, academic or professional, are tried and true favorites for procrastination. Studying for finals, a crucial article at its deadline, a wet mop on aisle 6; a vital, urgent sense of purpose comes when such things are ignored long after the most indulgent expectations have been exhausted. In a universe that often seems haphazard and indifferent to the lot of mankind, you'll find a steely, sure resolve in the darkest hour of an all night cram session. The lukewarm, acrid Folgers kinks your gut. Your dread and sweat-soaked T-shirt gives off the stench of a detox center's linen. But you are determined. You're gonna identify and interpret three examples of class division in Mary Poppins if it fucking kills you.

As a true follower gatakhil, the laziness code of feudal Japanese nobility, it is often the case that you'll overwhelmed with tremendous amount of backlogged work. Actually completing the assignments over a 10 hour period would render your gray matter into a gooey, nonfunctional tallow. Coincidentally, such problems created by procrastination can be solved by procrastination. Instead of making a desperate attempt to finish and turn in a mediocre product, spend the remaining time playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. The time will go by enjoyably and after several hours you will have passed the Point of No Return, when the faint prospect of finishing the work will have been completely snuffed out. You can then continue to session in the half-pipe, or doze off. You'll rest easy, fatalistically safe and secure in the knowledge that there is nothing that you can do.

While I am not a full-fledged insomniac, I have trouble falling asleep when I would like to, usually losing consciousness an hour or two after I set out to do so in earnest. The only times I will fall asleep on contact with the pillow is when I have neglected to do a tremendous amount of urgent work due the next day. It doesn't matter if I downed two Red Bulls a half hour before, I go under swiftly and soundly. Caffeine will only keep you up if you want or need to sleep. If you can't or shouldn't be falling asleep, caffeine is as ineffectual as Dubya in strategy session. Valerian root? Bollocks. Put Finnegan's Wake off until the last minute and call me in the morning.

One of the truly glorious aspects of procrastination is that imbues not only sleep, but any activity, no matter how mundane, with an almost irresistible appeal. Hangnail maintenance, examinations of book bindings, talk radio participation, applying grout; it's all good. Have at it, you crazy person! Just make sure it's not the task at hand.

Did you know that aluminum is derived from bauxite ore? I didn't until I had to pack for a family reunion. Thank you, 1987 edition World Book Encyclopedia, volume 1.

Creative types take heart: nothing flushes out the cerebral plumbing like a good goof-off stint. It doesn't matter if you're bogged down over the thrust of that big presentation or if you're grasping to lend dignity to the quandary of human suffering. You can add razzle-dazzle to a trip-tych or product rollout with the inspiration originating in our "sub-conscious." Modern psychology tells us that our minds continue to work at a problem even if we're unaware of it, not unlike a dishwasher. So remember, the next time someone tells you, "It's been in the back of my mind," it doesn't necessarily indicate psychosis or head trauma. Their mind might be cooking up (on the "back burner") something really neat! Your brain can do this, too. Just identify the challenge, jiggle it about, thought-wise, for a moment and then settle down for the latest installment of "Survivor." Expect solutions to appear when you start thinking about the problem again.

We are told that we are nation of strivers. We are raised to believe that abundant leisure time is a failing that is best left to our betters.

"Idling about?" they ask. "Why, only bums and our nation's leaders do that!"

I say that it is high time that we take our time seriously. Are data entry and customer service truly worthwhile pursuits that bestow a sense of noble design to our lives? Our true aspirations are of a higher plane, the betterment of humanity, a sense of inner quiet and fulfilling relationships.

But come on. That shit ain't gonna happen. So just sit back, have some dip and shut up. I'm trying to watch some TV here.

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