Volume 3, Issue 10
May 10 - May 23, 2001

FOOLING AROUND

Dear Stephanie,
My husband is not interested in sex at all. I have tried everything possible to interest him, and he STILL has no interest. Do you think it would still be considered cheating for me to have sex with someone else? I realize this can be a very moral question. I did take my vows seriously, but how can I face going the rest of my life without feeling that connection to a man? It has been over three years since my husband and I had sex. Some days, it doesn't bother me much. But most of the time, it is all I can think about. I don't want a divorce, I just want to be held and touched. In case it matters, there is absolutely NO physical contact between us. He says he loves me. I've always felt it's important to be faithful and have sex with just one person at a time. I don't want to be considered a cheater.
--Desperate for contact

Dear Desperate,
No sex for three years, no physical contact of any kind, and yet you don't want to get a divorce? What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? A warm body to have on the other side of your bed? Someone to take out the trash? Mow the lawn? You can hire cheap help for that.

Sounds like a waste of space to me and his claim of love doesn't mean a whole lot when you're spending more quality time with your sex toys. And just because it's been three years since you have had sex, don't be so sure it's the same for him. His needs are obviously being met elsewhere, so why deny yours? Personally, I would divorce him and then get yourself a few hot men to fill the gaps; after all, you have three years to make up for. If, for some crazy reason, you do decide to stay with him, then go out and find someone to have sex with, but be honest with your husband about it. That way you are not a liar. And if you still feel it's important to be faithful to just one man, then make sure you don't cheat on your new boyfriend with your husband.

Dear Stephanie,
I've had sex with four different guys in total, and only have a problem with one of them. My current fling's dick is so huge, it hardly fits inside of me and it hurts when he tries hard to get in me. This is very frustrating for him because I usually have to stop it before he finishes; it's just too intense (not in a good way). How do you have sex with a porn-star endowed guy without it killing and tearing you apart? I really need some help on this one.
--Stretching to oblivion

Dear Stretching,
First of all you need to thank your lucky stars that you are crying out "Stop!" instead of "Have you started yet?" You can't build things without a good tool, and at least you have something to work with. Without telling me the exact dimensions, I don't know how huge the thing really is, but please remember ... women shoot babies out of there. Yes, big round heads, flabby bodies and four limbs. I'm not saying they do it for pleasure; however, the point I'm trying to make is that is that the damn things stretch! And if you've only had sex with four partners, perhaps it's your lack of experience that is really hurting you. For instance, are you having any foreplay? With a heavy hitter like him you need to get very warmed up, revved up and juiced up, and if for any reason the juice isn't flowing like Niagara Falls, you need to get lubed up. If you are super wet and he is careful while starting, you should be able to get past this not-so-little issue without too much trouble.

Dear Stephanie,
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with my partner while experimenting with third parties? It is something I have thought about and we have fantasized about, but I am a little nervous if it will harm our relationship.
--Is 3 really company?

Dear Is 3 Really Company,
There are so many variables to this question. First of all, I would say it's very possible if you can honestly answer 'yes' to all or most of the following questions:

1. Does your partner's pleasure mean more to you than your own?
2. Does it turn you on to think of sharing your lover with someone else?
3. Do you trust your lover implicitly?
4. Are you completely, 100% secure with your sexuality?
5. Do you consider yourself open-minded sexually?

Now, to the contrary, if you answer 'yes' to even one of the questions below, you'd better steer clear of any threesomes or swinging. Even if your partner is actively trying to get you to experiment, it's best that you keep your relationship completely one on one.

1. Do you worry that your partner finds other people more attractive than you?
2. Have you had experiences in love when you've felt uncontrollably jealous?
3. Does the thought of seeing the one you love with another make you feel upset, sick, jealous, sad or furious?
4. Have you done things in the past because someone really wanted you to, only to feel complete regret later?
5. Do you consider swinging to be an act of disloyalty?

If you are on the road to having a threesome, just make sure the lines of communication are wide open (as well as other things). Also, move slowly and make sure the person you invite into your intimate relationship respects both you and your partner, as well as the relationship you share.

Send your sex and relationship questions to Stephanie at sirenweb@aol.com