Volume 3, Issue 12
June 7 - June 20, 2001

DEAL BREAKERS

Dear Stephanie,
My new boyfriend is a total face eater. What I mean by this is he is the worst kisser I have ever met. I can't even catch my breath before his tongue fills my mouth. I know he may think it's sexy, but I am very grossed out. Is there a way I can let him know without hurting his feelings?
--Soaked

Dear Soaked,
Face eaters, sword fighters, tongue suffocaters and ear-to-ear lickers take notice! Women don't like it; in fact, it turns us off. I will immediately pull away from one of you as soon as the tongue begins to plunge and, like it or not, play time is over forever. This may seem a bit harsh, but I have learned from dreadful experiences that if the kissing is that bad, the rest only gets worse.

If you really like this guy and want a delicate way to tell him that his kissing sucks, then I suggest you tell him that you want to play a little game with him. Tie his hands down or behind his back and tell him he is not allowed to initiate anything. Tell him you are going to do things to him and he can't do anything back. Then kiss him slowly. If he starts to dart that eager tongue at you, back away and tell him no kissing back. Show him exactly how you like to kiss and when you feel he has gotten it, then let him kiss you back. Instruct him to take it easy and when he does it correctly make sure you praise him on it. (Good puppy!) He will begin to understand how you like to kiss and perhaps even enjoy the little tie down session. While you have him tied down, you might as well slip in a few more hot techniques that a man who has the capability of escaping will never allow!

Dear Stephanie,
You seem like a lady with a lot of knowledge about what women want so please help me. I go out and usually within a few minutes of talking to an attractive lady she gives me the brush off. I just don't get it. I am a decent looking man, know the right things to say and don't understand why I can't get any action. Can you give me any clues to what could be going wrong?
--3 Strikes

Dear 3 Strikes,
You are obviously carrying yourself wrong and coming across desperate. When you tell me that you know all the right things to say, I see a huge red flag. I find it fraudulent and unappealing when a guy seems to have rehearsed his lines before approaching me. He may think he knows all the right things to say, but I would rather someone be klutzy and authentic. Here are a few more deal breakers you could be using...

1. Don't ever wear too much jewelry. Men who flash expensive jewelry excessively come across as insecure and materialistic. A nice watch is fine and maybe a subtle necklace, but any sort of gold chain ensemble is a definite turn off.

2. Cologne is something to be used sparingly! If I sit down at a table next to a guy and I can smell his cologne, it's too much. Unless you are someone who has a nasty case of b.o. and you have something to hide, go easy on the juice! If you are someone who has the stink, then I suggest you bathe more often. Also, shave your pits and start over.

3. Do not ever wear the skin of any animal on the endangered species list. And no fur!

4. Always check your teeth after having a meal. Even the hottest of men can make a girl squeamish if he flashes a smile with pepper, spinach or other colorful objects between his teeth.

5. Try to avoid these sentences when your first meet a woman:
--" You remind me of my mother."
--" Want to see my new Corvette?"
--" Are those real?"
--" Would you like to go hot-tubbing?"
--" You look like a model."
--" Man, I'm drunk!" --" I'm here because that bitch threw me out."

6. If you are at a dance club and you get turned down by a girl when you ask her to dance, please don't turn to her friend and ask her next! I can't even count the times this has happened to my friends and me. The guy always looks like such a dork when he does this, and surprisingly enough, everyone turns him down.

7. Avoid checking out other women in the room when you are engaging in conversation with a woman you are interested in. Women are instantly turned off by easily distracted guys and so are the women who you are checking out. When I see a guy who is with another woman check me out, it disgusts me.

8. This kind of goes along with the teeth cleaning thing, but please remember to have fresh breath. I know I am a bit of a fanatic on the subject and I have been accused of having a halitosis-phobia, but bad breath will totally send me the opposite direction. Mouthwash and a few breath mints go a long way.

9. Finally, the biggest dealbreaker in my book is smoking. There have been several times I have been admiring a hot stranger from across the room, only to see him pull out a cigarette, therefore becoming Stephanie repellent. A nice wad of chew will produce the same results.

Have dinner with Stephanie! See Editor's Desk for details. Send questions and problems to sirenchat@aol.com