Volume 3, Issue 13
June 21 - July 4, 2001

LOVE THY SELF

Dear Two Left Hands,
It's true, you need to explore all your nooks and crannies, especially the crannies, to have great sex, better orgasms and be a fantastic lover. There are so many ways for women to masturbate that only doing it one way would be leaving way too much out! Don't be afraid to take the plunge. Here are a few tips and styles that should at least convince you to get your fingers wet.

Like to just use your hands? Try stimulating, rubbing, caressing, stroking, pinching, or diddling the clitoris with one or more fingers or the palm of your hand. Some find direct contact with the clitoris too intense, and find stimulation near or around it to be better. You decide when you start playing how much pressure or direct contact you need. It's also fun to have a layer of clothing or some soft, silky fabric between your hand and body. There are also things you can add to enhance the pleasure on your clit such as ice, vibrators and heating oils.

Once you get the clit excited and swollen, then it's always fun to slide a finger, dildo or vibrator inside. If you are using your finger, feel around and see if you can locate your G-Spot. It is near the front wall, almost directly behind the clitoris. Sometimes with fingers it's difficult to provide adequate G-Spot stimulation. Inserting a vibrator or dildo into the vagina can help locate and stimulate your G-Spot and offers a feeling of fullness. It's always good to use a little lubrication and one that is really nice is Wet Platinum. Stay away from Vaseline or baby oil, they contain mineral oil. Stick with a water based lubrication.

Another hot way for you to learn to get off is with a shower massage. Have you ever noticed how many girls own these things? And for damn good reason! The focused attention of the pulsating jet stream gives a quick and effortless orgasm. Keep one hand free and adjust the temperature or water pressure for even more variety. Maybe start warm, work into hot and then cool it off. It's all up to you and your mood. Don't forget about jacuzzis and hot tubs. Sitting in front of those intense jets can stimulate the clit in ways you've never felt before. Pay attention next time you are at the gym and the women in the hot tub have this flushed look on their faces. Think it's just from the warm water? Think again!

A must have for any self-sufficient woman is the Hitachi Magic Wand. Easily passed off innocently enough as a massager, it is a super deluxe vibrator that can bring you from zero to orgasm in less than 60 seconds. There is also a curved attachment that slides onto the head of the Magic Wand called the G-Spotter, which allows for G-Spot stimulation and direct clitoral stimulation at the same time. Whohoo!

Just to be fair, here are some ways for men to get off alone, besides the usual five knuckle shuffle:

1. Take a nice, soft pillow and place it between your stomach and your penis ... then while lying on your stomach, thrust between the bed and pillow for a great morning hard-on sensation.

2. Place a small vibrator in the palm of your hand and stroke with full power. For added stimulation take another one in your other hand and rub it along your balls and ass area.

3. Lie on your back in the tub and with a removable shower head put the water on full blast and let it stimulate near the top of your penis, while stroking with the other hand.

4. Take a relatively large cup and fill it with warm water. Lower your balls into the water as you jack off. It gives an amazing feeling while you ejaculate. For a totally different sensation, use cold water.

5. Take one toilet paper tube, a condom and some lube. Put the condom inside the roll and stretch the opening of the condom across the opening of the tube. Fold the end of the condom over the end of the tube and hold with one hand. Make sure you're really lubed up and begin thrusting. If you pull on the tip of the condom while you stroke, it is said to feel like a blowjob.

Tired of the typical names for beating your meat? Looking for a variety of ways to describe one of your favorite past times? Here are a few to hold you over:

Baste the turkey;
Badger the witness;
Flog your log;
Hold your sausage hostage;
Withdraw from the spank bank.

And some more for women:
Buffing the box;
Diddling Miss Daisy;
Frosting the muffin of love;
Impeaching Bush;
Twirling the pearl.