I'm a bit of a loner. By this I mean that I can enjoy going to movie alone and that on weekends I prefer to have one night of quiet reading for every evening out with friends. Nothing pathological, although I'm sure several pharmaceutical companies will soon have product rollouts to convince me it is. Ad campaigns for Ritalin would have us believe that rearing a fidgeting fourth grader is on par with bringing Linda Blair to the church potluck. As an undiagnosed case study of intermittent unilupism, or lone wolf disorder (copyright of Pfizer Corporation), and as a wing nut who might enjoy pacing Madison Avenue between a saucy set of sandwich boards, you can imagine my interest in the U.S. Army's new slogan, "I Am An Army Of One."

The Army has always drawn bumper crops of reclusive, rheumy-eyed Travis Bickle-types. Uncle Sam's prevailing philosophy toward the muttering dishwasher from Fargo has long been to screen him for flat feet, douse him liberally with flea powder and issue him his assault rifle. But is this the sort of fresh face the Pentagon wants to actually advertise for? Granted, every institution has its sordid underbelly, but this is a case of yanking the skeletons from the closet and putting them into a chorus line. McDonald's hasn't replaced the Hamburgler with Whoopsy Daisy the Mad Cow and George W. Bush will never give a "Nature, how 'bout that?" photo opportunity on the dunes of White Sands National Monument (think booger sugar). The military needs more quiet guys that keep mostly to themselves like it needs a Star Wars missile net.

Please sit down Senator Lott, you don't get to bang the gavel anymore. Have some Ritalin.

"An Army of One" trips over semantics like Jerry Lewis on an ether binge. This shouldn't be surprising coming from an organization that gave painful birth to gems like "military intelligence." Oxymorons and the armed forces go hand-in-hand. (Relax fellas, I'm sure it's platonic and you can't ask anyway.) After turning the War Department into the Defense Department and converting soldiers to peacekeepers, I doubt the military propaganda machine is going to get hung up over one more twisted contradiction. Some writers use Shakespeare for inspiration; these guys recall Gumby.

The line could be a sly literary reference. Certainly some of the cats in copywriting at the Leo Burnett ad agency, who created "I Am An Army Of One," once aspired to art before they began licking ass and hacking up jingles. Perhaps this was the drudges' way of "sticking it to the Man" while "remaining able to buy nice suits." In Mark 5, Jesus casts a multitude of demons into a nearby herd of pigs. The fiendish spirits speak of themselves singularly, saying, "My name is Legion, for we are many." The demon swine then lemming off a cliff and drown in the bay below. This demonic Legion referred to the Roman army units then occupying and oppressing the Palestine. All this theory proves is that I could have graduated from a very good community college. Like my diploma, this theory isn't realistic. Simply too complicated. Also, word of the prank would have leaked to military intelligence. Army brass love to invoke the Bible; but this story, with connotations of evil, runaway pork, or simply a bay of pigs, wouldn't be good for morale.

The government party line (Whoa there, Dubya!) is the Army fell short of recruitment during the last few years and decided on an image overhaul. Black berets from Red China toppled face-first into a public relations mud pit, and this campaign probably looked swell by comparison. "Be all that you can be," coined in 1981, was as dated as a pair of neon leg warmers. The Green Machine needed to recruit "Dawson's Creek," not The Breakfast Club. Imagine the staff meetings at Recruiting Command.

"What's with that sissy writer?" asked Major Piton, punching off the television.

"What's with that sissy?" wondered Captain Oring as he used his thumb to jam a plug of Red Man into his lower lip.

"I remember Judd Nelson," said Piton with a sigh. "He was so tough."

"I miss Emilio Estevez. A nice, strong, All-American wrestler." Oring said dreamily.

"Recruiting young men these days is hard," Piton said.

But enough fantasy. I needed to get the straight dope from the source.

The walls of my local Army recruiting office are hung with Polaroids of recent recruits, professional prints of Blackhawk helicopters and snipers in trees, letters from kids in basic training and drapes of camouflage netting.

When I asked a soldier what "An Army Of One" meant, he didn't seem especially sure. That made two of us. I think he said something about individual strength making the team stronger. We talked for some time about scholarships, Gulf War Syndrome and how we both love the Pacific Northwest.

I don't like the Army. This is very easy for me. What I can't do is hate the people in the Army. It's simple to hate a group, but very difficult not to like many of the people in a group. Some of the most decent and friendly people I know are or once were in the military. The United States is an empire and empires have armies. Occasionally, we need them. Most of time, the Army can be a means for people without privilege to get food, shelter, medical care and an education as a matter of course. Good idea, America.

Senator Lott, if you don't pipe down, you won't get cracker time!

The Marine motto is Semper Fidelis, always faithful. Part of that means being faithful to those around you before yourself. Without the guns, this is another good example set by the military, and a difficult one for self-indulgent loners. This is why "I Am An Army Of One" is Gomer Pyle stupid.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to figure out how to recruit Katie Holmes.

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