Volume 3, Issue 15
July 19 - August 1, 2001

STIMULUS/RESPONSE

1. Women who wear too much make-up.
2. Men who have mullets.
3. And anyone who starts every sentence with 'I'.
--Single for a reason

Dear Single for a reason,
So true! I can't believe I forgot the mullet, although it's a good idea for everyone to forget it. Thanks for the input.

Dear Saint Stephanie,
Yes, I believe you should be considered for sainthood as perhaps one of our most dedicated public servants...

"Dear Stephanie please help me tame my toad-like boyfriend. He is a disgusting, clueless oaf."

"Dear Stephanie I am a disgusting clueless oaf. Please tell me how I can become someone's toad-like boyfriend."

... aid for the clueless. Hope for the hopeless. She toils on into the night. "Here try something so basic you probably really never thought of it before, you clueless oaf. Bathe regularly. Don't act like a toad and be nice." Trying to list all the stupid ways men screw this up she types until exhaustion. Yet still her mind spins ahead. So many faux pas, so few column inches. Her mind wanders again. "Your boyfriend is a clueless oaf. Try this and if he doesn't get it shoot him." Venturing where no advice columnist has ever gone before. No case too hopeless. No man too toad-like. She does her best for all. One can only hope they're not too dumb to get it. Saint Stephanie!
--Your biggest fan, Glenn

Dear Glenn,
I thank you for your compliments and, might I add, incredible insight and razor sharp observations. Unfortunately, not all men see me in the same light. In fact, some see my views and opinions as too harsh. If only I could figure out a way to know what the hell is going on and not have that fact threaten the "masculinity" of my less than confident readers. Here's a fine example of someone lacking appreciation for my wisdom....

Jane,
you ignorant slut. Are you the queen of contradiction or what? I have just finished reading your Dealbreakers column. In this article you list no less than eight things that disqualify men from having a shot with you, you also dog one for "laying it on too thick." Sound familiar?

It's like you want men who are "real" but not too real. I'm willing to bet whoever that guy was who wrote all that cheesy stuff would pass almost all your tests. But is he real? Of course not. He's being what he thinks you want him to be.

I think your intentions are honorable, trying to help us men not be quite the pigs we are in general, but I really hope for your sake you're not seriously looking for a man that meets all that criteria. If you actually do find him, you might be ecstatic at first, but you're definitely setting yourself up for disappointment down the road. No one can live up to such high expectations.

Men need to be given the freedom to be men and women need to appreciate that fact. We do not want to be changed. I'm even willing to bet that the men you are attracted to most are NOT the ones that bow to your every whim.

So go ahead and keep trying to whip us into shape but just know that there are a large percentage of us that will not conform regardless of how hard you, or any other woman for that matter, try. And we'll STILL attract women every bit as beautiful and smart as you. --Nick

Dear Nick,
The name is Stephanie! Typical of a man to mess that up, too. But perhaps you are referring to a retro "Saturday Night Live" skit, which my friend, ages you and offers an explanation for your archaic views.

Men have always imposed plenty of requirements on women and as soon as a woman returns the favor, it seems these types of men cling even harder to their pot bellies and dragon breath. If my expectations are too high, then "Oh Well!" I'd rather be alone than settle for any of the things I had in that column, which by the way, were not that stringent. Let's see, I believe they consisted of bathing, brushing teeth and showing respect for the woman you are with. Tall orders?

Nowhere in that magnificent piece did I mention physical attributes, something women are constantly judged on in addition to character and personality, and don't forget cooking and fucking skills. Perhaps if my Dealbreakers consisted of money, height, hair and penis size requirements you would have a reason for bitching, but since it was only common sense hygiene and consideration, I suggest you get back to sitting in front of the television, scratching your stinky ass and braiding your back hair.

E-mail Stephanie at sirenweb@aol.com