Volume 3, Issue 17
August 12 - August 29, 2001

A GIRL AND HER TOYS

It's been a dry summer in more than one way. Instead of complaining, I decided to take matters into my own hands. But my hands tend to get tired, so to acquire some assistance I had a little shopping to do. Although I consider myself one brave chick, I still couldn't imagine going into the sex shops solo. This is where having fun and open-minded friends really comes in handy!

The three of us went to an across town sex shop, which had an amazing selection of "novelties" in every imaginable shape, size and color. Some even glow in the dark. As we started looking around I had a revelation....

"You know ladies, our luck could be changing!" I told them.

"How so?" Sarah asked. "I think our being here actually means we have hit bottom. What's next? Public masturbation? Hours spent in front of the Internet diddling to porn?

"Look at it this way. When you stock up on condoms, what happens? You've got it: you never get laid again. As sad as it is, perhaps the same thing will happen when we stock up on sex toys. Suddenly we will have so much of the real thing, we won't need the toys!"

"I think I'll stick with planning my cold nights alone with my new best friend, the Rabbit," Sarah said, holding up the box containing a big purple contraption.

"But will you still respect him in the morning?" Janice asked.

The Rabbit Pearl is a Japanese vibrator with a rotating shaft that vibrates and turns. The shaft has rolling, textured pearls inside of it that feel amazing inside, while another part (resembling rabbit ears) vibrates against the clit. Little did Sarah know that I was quite familiar with that little gem; in fact, if the authorities knew how many Rabbits I've kept in my house over the years they would come over and clear them out the same way they do an old lady's shack housing 150 cats.

"Oh my God! $95 for this thing. It better make me breakfast in the morning." Sarah complained.

"No shit," Janice chimed in. "Men have it so much easier. All they have to do is reach down and rub one out for free."

"And thank goodness for that so they can use that money for buying us drinks!" I always try to find the positive, even in a room full of neon schlongs. "Besides, when we buy sex toys it's considered glamorous and exciting. When men go to buy a blow up doll, it's seen as quite pathetic."

Looking at it that way made everyone feel Oh So Glamorous. The minutes flew by and we were stacking our arms with so many little treats ... wait, did I say little? I mean we were stacking our arms with so many ample treats that we had to ask for a cart of some sort. Apparently, by the look of shock on the dude behind the counter's face, he wasn't used to such big spenders. I was trying to figure out a way to explain to him that until we find someone we can stand for more than a date or two, these toys were kind of like airbags for us. Our saviors and heroes, our protectors from a cold, harsh, and sexless existence.

"Will that be for here or to go?" he asked with a slight smirk.

"You know, he's kind of attractive in a long hair, I need a bath sort of way," Sarah whispered to me as we were leaving.

"Sarah wants the porn dude!" I announced just outside the door.

"Ewwww!" Janice said.

"I didn't say I wanted him, I just said if you cut that hair and bathe him he could be cute."

"Did you see his arms?" Janice asked. "They were skinny and hairy. I bet his back is even hairier."

"And those teeth, Sarah!" I added. "Looks like he could be a smoker!"

"All right already. I take it back. God forbid we try to find a guy when we have plastic fantastic for days." Sarah snidely said.

And then it became clear to me. In our lives with men, it seems there is always something. Bad breath, bad sex, someone who lies, someone who is too clingy or passive or not at all available. Why can't we just go to some store of amazing men and hand pick the perfect one? One who comes with a label letting us know exactly what he's made of and what to expect from him.

And let's not forget about those handy little warranties, giving us peace of mind that if the man breaks or isn't exactly what we want, we can upgrade to another model. One that will surely be all we are looking for. In fact, if shopping for the perfect human mate was half as perfect as shopping for a battery-operated one, we could all be living in pure unrestricted bliss.

Send questions and comments to Stephanie at sirenweb@aol.com