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Volume 3, Issue 18
August 30 - September 12, 2001
NARCOLEPSY
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ROAD KILL CAFE
333 Main St., Sturgis, South Dakota
Open from Memorial Day to Labor Day
It was 4 am as we pulled out of Denver onto the on-ramp of I-25. It
had been 24 hours since I had slept last but I knew I could pull this off.
Sturgis was only about
400 miles from here and the cool night air
would keep me somewhat awake. I
brought our speed up to about 85 and set
the cruise control. Yes cruise control! You
didn't think I was going to load all this
stuff on a bike and head up there did you?
Where would I put my laptop, tattoo
equipment, or my espresso machine for
that matter? Okay, so I didn't take my
espresso machine but still I had a SUV
fulla stuff and I wasn't about to leave any
of it behind.
As we kicked into cruise control, I looked
over at my co-pilot Wayne and said,
"We've got a full tank of gas, a half a
pack of cigarettes, and we're wearing our
sunglasses at night." He never broke his
forward gaze but quietly responded,
"We're on a mission from God!"
It was around Cheyenne somewhere that
the road started looking a lot like a black
licorice whip with lines of white powdered
sugar along its edges. I started leaning
out the window to get a better look at
the confectionary miracle unfolding
before us and the shock of the cold night
air brought me back to consciousness.
Ahhhhh! I had been asleep at the wheel!
"Hey man!" I shouted at Wayne. "You're
supposed to make sure I stay awake!"
Never taking his eyes away from the road
ahead of us he said simply, "I thought you
said you had the cruise control on." I
thought about it a minute but I was too
loopy to try to figure out why that shouldn't
make sense. We stopped in Cheyenne
at some little stop and rob for gas and to
re-up on Blue Ox and smokes. Once I had
a few cans of the Ox we resumed our
voyage. Although I was much more
awake I was still suffering from low-grade
hallucinations, but nothing that
would impede my driving (I hoped).
We drove through the night without incident,
other than hitting a bat and some
sort of bird, as well as every bug in
Wyoming. Hey, you know what the last
thing is to go through a bug's mind when
it hits your windshield? Its sphincter!
HA! I kill me! Anyway, we hit Sturgis at
about 10 am, the smell of exhaust, fried
food and sour beer floated through the
air, and there were bikes, beers and boobs
EVERYWHERE! We were both starved
so we went into the first place we saw,
The World Famous Road Kill Café.
Normally the words road kill and café in
the same sentence wouldn't entice me to
hunger but I hadn't slept in over 30 hours
and I had just driven 400 miles.
The place looked like your basic biker-filled
greasy spoon with a couple of
exceptions. One was that the menu boasted
"from your grill to ours" with selections
like Poodles and Noodles, Rack of
Raccoon, Swirl of Squirrel, and Thumper
on a Bumper to name a few. The other
exception was that the place smelled of
absolute heaven! Something was cooking
that made my mouth water and my stom-ach
growl! The breakfast buffet consisted
of eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and
gravy, hash browns, fruit of every kind
and was served with my favorite four
words: "all you can eat." We ate and ate
and ate. I haven't had a buffet like that in
years, and everything was awesome! I
went out back in the camo net-covered
beer garden where I laid down on a table
and immediately went to sleep.
Before long I awoke to the drunken
whooping and hollering going on due to
an impromptu wet t-shirt contest that had
erupted around me. I headed out into the
street and began to wander aimlessly
through the never-ending parade of bikes,
beers and boobs. I found my way to our
hotel where Wayne had already unpacked
most of the gear.
A few more cans of Blue Ox and I was
ready to go again. We headed back
toward Main Street but got immediately
separated after being swept up into the
midst of some beer-crazed boob fest.
After wandering about for most of the
day I had seen enough weirdness to last a
lifetime. I even saw a sheep dog wearing
purple riding chaps! Finally I found my
way back to the Road Kill ... just in time
for the baby back rib dinner buffet! Just
like breakfast, the food was awesome:
meat so tender it fell off the bone, sauce
so sweet I licked my fingers, my face, the
plate, even the counter top. (I tried to lick
the waitress but she ran.) And of course
served in all you can eat style. And just
like breakfast I fell asleep in the beer garden
out back.
I awoke as before to whooping and general
sounds of alcohol induced merriment
and wandered out into the throng of bikes
beers and boobs once again. I spent the
next few days prowling up and down the
crowded streets eating with both hands.
Things like Indian tacos consisting of fry
bread heaped with a mile high mound of
taco fixins. Deep fried catfish on a stick,
Gyros, sausage sandwiches, hamburgers,
fries, it went on and on. Everything there
to drink besides beer was a study in hypo-glycemic
madness. The grease congealed
in my stomach while the sugar solidified
in my brain until one day blended into the
next. My mind reeled questioning my
reality: "How long have I been here?
How did I get here? When did I shower
last? Whose voice is this in my head anyway?"
I remember thinking that if I could
just lie down for a minute maybe the
world would stop spinning, and then
everything went black.
I woke up on a bench somewhere on
Main Street as the sun was coming up;
Wayne was shaking me saying something
about getting some breakfast. I shambled
along behind him heading once again for
the Road Kill. Once we were inside, the
waitress told me that there were some
paramilitary guys asking about my
whereabouts. "They were a pretty creepy
bunch, even for this place!" she said
while looking around. Then leaning foreword
in a conspiratorial way she continued.
"One of them was kind of a weasely
little guy wearing an old beat up green
beret and had a news print picture of you.
The guy he referred to as Frenchy kept
sniffing his fingers and smiling, while the
big quiet one just mumbled about the
clowns eating him."
I looked over at Wayne, he just gave me a
quick nod and we were headed for the
door in a flash. Although I wasn't sure
what I could have done to get a spook and
a couple of ghouls on my tail, I knew I
didn't want to hang around to find out.
We loaded up the Explorer in record time
and I threw Wayne the keys. I had to get
this all down in writing before they
caught up to us. So here I am pecking
away on my laptop as Wayne speeds us
into the distance.
At least now if I come up missing you'll
know why. Thank God for cellular
modems! A
www.noctul.com
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