I couldn't write about the Parade of Homes. The endeavor was hopeless because touring this display of model trophy homes for Tech Center execs in suburban Parker aroused within me the sort of painkilling endorphins, bile and foamy spittle that usually accompanies my viewing of "The O'Reilly Factor." (Like there has ever been a White House cabinet session where a cigar chomping, yardarm-shouldered general slams a hammy fist to the table, yelling, "Goddammit! What the Sam Hell are you civilian Twinkies thinking?! We've got to consider the O'Reilly Factor!!") The Parade, in its simpering Ovaltine and Valium quaffing, golden retriever walking suburbanity, strickened me with paralyzing disgust. Out of sheer frustration, I thought the best course would be an aromatherapy session. Maybe I could unwind enough to break down the writer's block. I drew a hot bath and I'll admit that, in my red haze of anger, I wasn't thinking clearly. Applying the Powell Doctrine of Overwhelming Force to vanquish my discontent, I chucked six Herbal Serenity and eight Soothing Citrus bath bombs into the scalding water. Within a minute, I passed out, gagging on concentrated fumes of grapefruit zest and lavender blossom.

I was covering the 2001 Parade of Homes! I was as giddy as if I had drank a triple skinny Starbucks mocha (okay, color me cranberry, I did indulge). But this was understandable. This magnificent display of the latest in home design and interior decoration in historic Parker would be a real treat. (And, as a mother of two bundles of joy who sometimes unravel me, this also meant an afternoon all for myself.)

Pampered the minute I stepped out of my 2000 Mercedes M-Class, I was chauffeured in a golf cart by a cheerful young man in tennis whites to the entrance of the Parade. The development is called Spirit Gulch, which is really neat. There's something spiritual about a name like that. I could just imagine powerwalking along trails, with songbirds atwitter; getting back in touch, renewing, simplifying. Did you know that in Spirit Gulch there are three miles of nature trails, such as Last Watch Trail, running alongside Sulpher Gulch? I didn't know there were so many gulches around there. It's fun to learn and have fun at the same time. I like the word 'gulch'. It sounds real old-timey. Who wouldn't want to mosey on over to Sulpher Gulch, hunker down and pop a celery root sodey pop?

Count me in, partner!

Good times.

I asked Mary Chedsey, of Sunshine Master Builders, which is developing Spirit Gulch, what wildlife is native to rural Douglas County.

"Certainly all the natural stuff, I don't know, is out there," Chedsey said. "Deer. Are you asking if we moved them or what? Birds, aviary. There's a lot in that environment in beautiful, natural things that one needs to appreciate."

And there's plenty of beautiful, natural things inside those sumptuous residences, like the hardwood flooring! The Prairie Hawk Home's long leaf pine flooring was salvaged from real Army barracks in Georgia. I could just imagine, having watched movies and television, all the wacky high jinks the enlisted men pulled on the Sarge upon those planks. The Brazilian cherry hardwood flooring at the Avalon home also reminds us of the beauty of nature as we step all over it. Speaking of Avalon, isn't that a great David Gray song? He worked so hard for success and now VH-1 has given it to him! I worry about his head bobbing though. My youngest, Cassidy, does that, mostly against our walls. We're seeing a specialist soon, but in the meantime, we just tell friends that she's dancing!

Even the garages have options in floor coverings. After all, who wants dusty ol' concrete? According to its literature, Ultra Surface is a polyurethane floor covering that is unaffected by 24 hour immersion in motor oil, brake fluid, urine, blood, xylene, whiskey and sulfuric acid. That's peace of mind, knowing how Wendell, my husband, and his poker games can get.

Maybe the JaDecor wall decor in one home's bathroom would help Cassidy. The brochure in my goody bag said that JaDecor wall covering is made of soft stuff like "cotton, plant fibers, cellulose and minerals." It's applied to the wall with a trowel and looks like the newspaper pulp Braley, my oldest, whips up in the blender, only it's kind of sparkly. JaDecor has been popular in Europe, which means that it's real sophisticated. Not that everything in Europe is classy. Like what Camilla Parker-Bowles did to Diana. That makes me so mad! Camilla was out feeding finger sandwiches to Charles among fancy hedges and all Diana could do was sob in gorgeous dresses. I was so crushed when Diana died that I bought two Franklin Mint Diana dolls shown in Parade magazine. With those purchases, I got a sense of closure, as well as the High Fashion Red Dress Ensemble at special low price.

I liked the bathrooms at many of Parade houses because they are so luxurious and high-tech in an organic way. I don't know what that means. One master bathroom featured a tub with a television installed by the water line. This normally means certain death, but apparently...

"It's not your time to go!"

"I'm not dead yet."

"Here, he says he's not dead," said the second paramedic, whose nametag read "Mel."

"You saved my life!" I exclaimed.

"I'll say," said the first EMT, Bob, yanking off his latex gloves.

"What happened?" I asked Bob.

"You were asphyxiated by noxious clouds of botanical extracts and then your heart stopped."

"Your neighbors reported the smell," Mel said. "We got here just in time to resuscitate you."

"With defibrillator paddles?" I asked.

"No, we checked the health insurance card in your wallet and figured you couldn't afford it," Bob said. "So we dropped your TV into the tub with you and hoped for the best."

"You still owe us money for the time and labor," Mel said. "You do have $500 handy, don't you?"

"I ... I ... well," I said, stammering naked in odorous water.

"It's not your time to go!"

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