Volume 4, Issue 7
April 4, 2002 - April 17, 2002
by Stephanie Glenn
Dear Stephanie,
I love my boyfriend, but when it comes to sex he is like a nun. Now, I am no porn star,
but I do like to get a little wild at times. I have tried everything and I am really getting tired of
masturbating after we have sex. It's not that it isn't good, it's just not fulfilling me. I don't
think he has ever concerned himself with my having an orgasm. What can I do?
-- Missionary blues
Dear Missionary blues,
Reconsider your second to last sentence. If it's not fulfilling you, then how can it be good? If
it's not physically fulfilling then it probably lacks emotional fulfillment as well. With all the articles
I have recently written about female satisfaction, you should know that unfulfilling sex is a waste
of time. Why bother? If you truly have tried everything, and he still only cares about satisfying
himself in such a boring matter, then I think it's time to move on. If you are already used
to masturbating all the time, then the transition should be quite easy.
Dear Stephanie,
I am a 28-year-old female and my boyfriend of 5+ years is 26. We have a problem in the bedroom.
I don't always feel like having sex with him. It's not that he doesn't turn me on but it
seems like I deliberately try not to be excited. And even when we have sex I can't kiss him. I'm
not sure what the problem is. He complains a lot about my not kissing him and lack of sexual
interest. I think that the problem is I can't get past all of the bad times that he and I have had.
When we first met we had sex all the time and it was good. But, over the years it has changed.
I have been through a lot of pain with this man. And I don't feel appreciated.
--Bitter
Dear Bitter,
A comedian named Will Rogers once commented, "When I am in a hole the first thing I
have to do is quit digging." Sounds like great advice for you. Your problem has a lot more to
do with what has gone on outside the bedroom than inside. If he has caused pain in your life and
is unappreciative, then it makes perfect sense that you would not be interested in sex anymore. The
question now is, why be with someone who you can't stand to touch and has made your life suck?
The longer you stay, the more miserable you will both be. Go find someone new quickly before
you forget how amazing it is to have passion. Remember, the best way to get over an old
boyfriend is to get under a new one.
Dear Stephanie,
I broke up with my cheater boyfriend about 7 months ago and it's really starting to get to me.
I thought I was glad to have the jerk gone, but now I am feeling physically needy. I have only
had sex a couple of times, both of which were one night stands. I don't like not getting any and
I'm wondering if I made a mistake. All of my friends are in serious relationships, although, I
have to admit, none of them are all that happy. But they are all getting laid! Do I sacrifice my
dignity or my sex life?
--Missing the regular pump
Dear Missing,
It's unfortunate that you are missing the regular pump, but haven't you heard of the
self-serve pump? It's quite common and accessible these days, and I suggest you give it a try before
you even consider losing an ounce of dignity to a cheating loser. Is getting regular sex worth
constantly wondering about who else he is sleeping with? Not to mention the countless diseases
he will end up subjecting you to. So what if your friends are all hooked up? I've heard that misery
loves company, so get away from the unhappy couples and find some single friends to hang out
with. A group of single women act as major dick magnets and if regular sex is what you need,
then go out and find yourself a boytoy. What is a boytoy, you ask? Let me pull out the Siren Chat
dictionary for you.
Boytoy (noun)
A. A gorgeous man, preferably younger than the self, who performs sex duties on a regular basis.
B. One who asks no questions, carries a pager and is constantly erect.
C. A well versed man who understands the meaning of the following phrases:
1. I have a headache tonight.
2. I don,t care if the Broncos are ahead, I need
a massage.
3. It's 3 AM and time for my sponge bath.
D. A man who has the ability to breathe out his ears if necessary during his ever-important
tongue baths.
So now that you are equipped with the facts, go out there and get yourself one of these commodities, and trust me, they are out there in massive quantities. Then when you are getting the regular lovin' you have been aching for, you can use all that extra energy that was previously wasted on loser men (unfortunately, an even bigger group out there) and teach all your long lost friends, you know, the unlucky ones putting up with crap from non-boytoy types, how to really live.
Have a question? Contact Stephanie Glenn at sirenweb@aol.com , or visit her at StephanieGlenn.com
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