Volume 4, Issue 13
June 27, 2002 - July 10, 2002

Siren Chat

by Stephanie Glenn

Lessons and Laws

Dear Stephanie,
I have been wondering why I haven't gotten a "courteous" phone call from a man I fooled around with a few days ago. 52 hours ago, to be precise. I have NEVER been "dissed" like this before. As a matter of fact, giving fellatio to men has been a true gift for all who have been pleasured by me. That was the furthest we went. He didn't try anything on me AT ALL! Not even a kiss before the fellatio and/or after it. He had an erection but didn't orgasm. I asked him what I could do to make him have an orgasm. He just said he was very much enjoying it and to keep doing it. After about almost half an hour I was pretty self-conscious wondering why he hadn't orgasmed yet. I did comment on it nicely and he responded that it was probably the alcohol, but he wasn't drunk. Isn't it written in the men's code of honor that the shall call a woman after fooling around with her by the next day at least? What's up? Please help me, Siren.
--Brushed off Betty in Dallas

Dear Brushed off Betty,
You have committed one of the biggest faux paus in dating history! Perhaps the golden rule hasn't made it's way out to Dallas yet, but round these parts you have violated The Sacred Law of the Hummer. The Law of the Hummer basically states that thou shall not, under any circumstances, place nether region of any man in or around mouth when the following situations are present. . .
A. First date
B. First sexual experience with that person
C. When he hasn't traveled south first
D. Suspicious odor
E. Suspicious appearance
F. Lack of recent shower
G. A zoom lens is necessary to find it

The list goes on, but you get the point. Just because you have mad skills doesn't mean all men are deserving of them. Most men get off considerably faster than 30 minutes having their dick sucked. And really, the fact that he wouldn't even kiss you tells you a whole lot more than his inability to have an orgasm. He just wasn't into it. Any guy who is interested will call you within a day or two. Remember, a guy should focus on your pleasure first, and any guy who sits back and lets you go to town with zero reciprocation is not worth your time or jaw ache.

Dear Stephanie,
I am involved with this 32 year-old woman who says she has never had an orgasm before. Several sexual encounters, but not big O! Needless to say, the pressure is on. We haven't done anything sexual yet beyond a little kissing and petting, but the time is coming. Maybe it's just my ego, but I want to be the first to give her an orgasm. Can you tell me a sure way to make this happen?
--C.D.

My heart goes out to this woman who has spent so much of her sexual prime without satisfaction. So, young man, as her current boyfriend AKA penis provider, it's your duty to see that this babe has her fill of God-given female pleasure. (Not that a penis is at all necessary for her to experience an amazing orgasm.) Study the following formula for guaranteed success. . .

Lesson One -- The Clitoris

Yes, it really exists and it's the most necessary element of the orgasm. Nonsense, you say? You have made a woman scream with pleasure by just screwing her? I say you have just been fooled by a woman who, for whatever moronic reason, fakes it. Women need clitoral stimulation to get excited and to have orgasms. It's really quite simple. Before you even consider fingering her, make sure you have made her really wet by paying attention to the love button.

Lesson Two -- The Mighty Tongue

You never told me what your age is, but hopefully by now you have learned the importance and necessity of going downtown. The best sex starts with an oral orgasm and then, and only then, is followed by intercourse. The way you dine is very important. Although all women are different, many agree that most men do it wrong. A lot of men watch pornos and think that the way they do it on screen is right. But their techniques are meant to look good, not necessarily feel good. Consistency is the key. So many times a woman can be right on the edge when, suddenly, the guy changes pressure or stops the licking to do some sucking. So much for that orgasm. Be very sensitive to her responses and if you are unsure, ask.

Lesson Three -- Masturbation

Has your woman ever even tried to give herself pleasure? The best way to know how to be pleased is to know how to please the self. Why don't you buy her a couple of sex toys and tell her to have fun experimenting with them? Also, offer your assistance if she needs it. Mutual masturbation is a great way to learn what really gets the other person going. Also, the mighty tongue and a nice, thick vibrator make a great combination.

Lesson Four -- VIGEL

It's the female version of Viagra. Just a little drop on the clit will do wonders for her. It speeds up sexual response and will bring her to orgasm quickly. The sensations are also much more intense. If you haven't heard of it or tried it yet, you are missing out!

Have a question? Contact Stephanie Glenn at sirenweb@ aol. com , or visit her at StephanieGlenn.com