Volume 4, Issue 16
August 8 - August 21, 2002

Siren Chat

by Stephanie Glenn

Dear Stephanie: Letters from the Lust-Lorn

Dear Stephanie,
I recently read your article "A Woman and Her Toys." I found it to be pretty funny, yet one thing keeps occurring to me and for the life of me I cannot figure it out. Beautiful women that cannot find a good man. I think I have a lot to offer a woman. Stable career, good money, good looks, funny and, most importantly, a level of morals and values that are seldom found (from what I've seen) in today's men. Why I can't locate a beautiful, intelligent woman without some form of severe emotional trauma is beyond me. What is wrong with this picture? And before you ask, yes, I am very picky about the women I select to go out with and I think everyone has the right to be picky. Yet I'm tired of sitting around and drinking beer with my friends every weekend because we don't have dates. I have, unfortunately, developed a feeling of ambivalence toward dating in general. I want a gorgeous, self-confident, independent (not completely, though, because I want to feel needed) and emotionally stable woman. Is that an absurd request? Is that too much to ask? --Boy Blue

Dear Boy Blue,
Wanting an amazing person is in no way an absurd request. However, drinking beer every weekend with the budzos is not only absurd, it will never bring Miss Wonderful into your life. Nothing like an introduction spewing forth from a beer-breath mouth to really get my motor running! I find it a complete turnoff when men go out and drink, ogling after anything with a pussy and a pulse. Get some real hobbies, find more productive and meaningful ways to spend your time and then, and only then, a really great woman might appear. Read below for more about this age-old dilemma.

Dear Stephanie,
How does a good-looking, successful, well-rounded man at 30, who knows how to: cook, clean, go down, finish AFTER she's done (twice), read the Culture Section not the sports page, vacation away from other Americans, wear vinyl and leather (but never together), spank and be spanked, spin a Martini not Budweiser, open doors, read this comment "my girlfriend and I were thinking....", give a thorough massage, tour a museum, etc., yet who DOES NOT watch football or stress about the ex, find the right woman without taking one in the wallet or yet another through the heart? There has to be some normal/non-psycho women out there. I trust you will give me (and others) valuable advice, I've heard plenty of "that's just the way it is," which has got to be false. --Bewildered in LA

Dear Bewildered,
I promise I won't tell you "that's just the way it is." People who speak and think in such limiting terms are the ones who are willing to settle for the mediocre in every aspect of their lives. Because you are so giving, thoughtful, intelligent and sexually adept, you need to focus on finding all those qualities in the women you date. The problem is a lot of extremely healthy and successful people tend to attract the opposite. I know if I was a chemically dependent, pill-popping, gold-digging, vase-throwing psycho I would look for someone with all of your yummy qualities to take care of my sorry ass. So, it's really up to you to weed out the losers. This, unfortunately, is the difficult part. People are oh, so good at hiding how demented they are. That is, until you have already invested your heart, wallet and first born. Then the psychotic floodgates rip open and gush out every shred of happiness your once competent and satisfying life contained.

What is necessary here is a bit of wisdom from the dreaded corporate world. Going into a relationship should, from this point on, be treated as hiring a valuable employee. Hire slowly, fire quickly is the golden rule in business. Would a business tycoon hire any willing applicant? I think not. If someone wants to work for such an incredible company, they would need to woo the hell out of that tycoon. Now, you hold all the cards. Make all possible hires jump through very narrow hoops. Make them prove their worth and skills. And don't forget, holding their breath for a minute at a time should not be the only attribute. Be very specific about what you want, and even more importantly what you don' t want. Make an intricate application with probing questions. For example, here are a couple of the questions that are on mine:

1. Have you ever received a restraining order?
   
2. Have you ever used the phrase:  "It's not an addiction, I can quit any time I want."
3. Have you broken up with anyone in the last 3 months?
   
4. Have you ever heard a woman, during a very intimate moment whisper: "Is it in yet?"

Get creative with yours and I think you will find that anyone who succeeds at meeting such arduous criterion will be worth the effort. Don't be a settler. Remember, these words of wisdom from Richard Bach: "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours."

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