Volume 4, Issue 25
December 12 - January 8, 2002
by Alex Neth
photos courtesy Discovery Networks
Kevin Fitzgerald is surprised that anyone thinks he's newsworthy. "It's hard to think anyone finds my life interesting," Fitzgerald said, his tall, lanky frame jammed into a back booth at the Cherry Cricket. "It's just what I do every day."
Yeah, we run into lots of guys like Kevin. You know, veterinarians featured on Animal Planet's hit Emergency Vets (which beams into 200 million or so homes worldwide) who maintain burgeoning careers in the comedy world and play 200 nights yearly at clubs around the country who spent years as Head of Security for the Rolling Stones and who were recently named one of People Magazine's 50 Most Eligible Bachelors, alongside the likes of Justin Timberlake and Carson Daly. Tons. But how did this man of seemingly limitless energy come to such a boring, nondescript existence? How did a Denver lad end up traveling with Mick and Keith and the boys? How did a kid in Vet school become a comedian?
"I've been like Forrest Gump," he said. "For whatever reason, I was in odd places at the right time. Hopefully," he paused to rap twice on the wooden table, "it won't stop yet, but Aldous Huxley said you've got to live life to suck the orange dry."
Fitzgerald, a Denver native, was hired to work the door at The Sink and Tulagi back when Chuck Morris was booking bands there, and when Morris partnered with Barry Fey, Fitzgerald came, too. He got a chance to work with the Flying Burrito Brothers ("I think the bills are still coming in from that one," he said. "They didn't know how to do it. They didn't give you a per diem , and I didn't know how to eat, so they said,"just do room service...") and then on the Rolling Stones --'69 and '72 tours, which Fey promoted. "If they liked you, the band might hire you back directly," he said. "I had a good rep, I worked hard. You realize that you're not part of the show, you're just working. If you work hard you get a good rep in the industry. I did '75, '78, '81, '89."
His good rep earned him entrée to other tours with other bands --Willie Nelson, The Who and Parliament/Funkadelic, to name a few. P-Funk, unsurprisingly, is the wellspring for many a rock-and-roll reminiscence. "If you see any of them, where's my money?" He laughed. "Free your mind and your ass will follow. And the stuff they were saying was so much fun, the whole Mothership idea. I was the only white bouncer. We used to weave mirrors into our hair. The thing about those days was, you'd just be around the hotel trying to make each other laugh, tie a bunch of Holiday Inn towels around yourself like a diaper, and the next thing you knew, people were doing it onstage."
It was while bouncing for the Stones that Fitzgerald made the decision to go to veterinary school. Of course, he had a little help from a certain weathered guitarist. "(Keith) Richards was in charge of the bouncers," he said. "He came up to me himself on the '78 tour, and said, 'You've been with us '69, '72, '75 and '78--this isn't going to last forever.' I don't think they dreamed they'd be playing as long as they are. He said, 'you can't be a bouncer when you're 50. Why don't you do something with your life? . So I flew back to Denver from Los Angeles thinking, Keith Richards just told me I should get a grip on my life. He's the coolest guy in the world, man, and when he says something, you listen. So they helped me and Barry helped me and I got into school."
Fitzgerald received master's and doctorate degrees in endocrinology from the University of Colorado at Boulder, and his D.V.M. from Colorado State University. He joined the staff of Alameda East Veterinary Clinic in 1985, has served as President of the Denver Area Veterinary Medical Society, is an assistant professor adjunct at the University of Denver and still finds time to put on a weekly variety show at ComedyWorks, do his own rapid-fire standup, take speaking engagements across the country and, oh yeah, appear on Emergency Vets. But he takes his celebrity with a spoonful of salt.
"I know what I am and what I'm not," he said. "I'm not a celebrity. I'm a poor but honest veterinarian. I'm a dog mechanic. I like Denver, I make my little side of the street better. The fate of the western world doesn't hang in the balance of what I do, taking care of people's cats and dogs. But I try and make my neighborhood better. So for me, I can't watch the show. Because I think, that's not my neck, that's my dad's neck. Seeing yourself on TV is too weird."
Fitzgerald and the other vets on the show don't get paid, and sometimes have to be on camera after working all night. "It's not staged or scripted," he said. "You see us warts and all. Veterinary medicine is a harsh mistress, as a profession. You're only as good as the fight you're in. You're like a prizefighter. You can't rest on your laurels --But it's a great profession, it really is. I've been doing it for 20 years and I still love it. I'm passionate about it. And the show, I'd never dreamed--we've done nine 13-week seasons and three two-hour specials. They only did 64 Star Treks .
The show's popularity may have brought him international recognition--like the little boy in the airport who told him he looked like that animal guy on TV, and when informed that he was indeed, responded, 'you wish' --but Denverites are just as likely to recognize him as the man behind The Love Show, a variety act he puts on at Comedyworks with his brother John and Ronnie Nelson of local act Sympathy F. The three, along with Munly cellist Rebecca Vera, are the production's house band, The Well Hungarians; The Love Show also stars a skateboarding pig, a lesbian Elvis, a bellydancer, a one-armed guitarist, a 300-lb. Irish tenor, a bagpiper, a pair of juggling brothers and a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.
"The point is to put on 10 acts," he said. "Everybody gets six minutes. If you don't like the act, you're right on to the next thing. So it's like you're kind of the king. You know, 'Bring the pig, these jugglers fail to amuse me!'"
Considering the success of Emergency Vets and The Love Show, Fitzgerald believes that his hometown is ready to take a step into the comedic big time. "I think we've proven with Emergency Vets that we can do a quality television show out of Denver. I think the time is right for a comedy show right out of Denver. Maybe a Love Show that we take on the road. Or maybe a comedy show for Animal Planet. We've got so much talent -- Roger Rittenhouse, Mikey Long, Todd Jordan, Troy Baxley, Michael Floorwax, Lewis Johnson -- so many great comics here."
Comedy or no, TV or no, personal relationship with one of rock's all-time biggest bands or no, Fitzgerald remains resolutely humble, forever, in his own mind, a lucky Denver kid who hitched a ride on some pretty interesting busses. (He's right: we know tons of TV Vet/ Comedians who have recently gone on tour with the Wu-Tang Clan to teach a new generation bouncers the tricks of the trade. Tons.) Kevin Fitzgerald is all about perspective. "You have to stay grounded. If you think you're hip, you're not. And if you don't, you are. And I'm sure not hip. That's my story and I'm sticking with it."
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